My boss is a seventy-something-year-old man with barely a clue on how to get a computer to boot. He gave me an old book and wanted me to convert it into an ebook to sell. And mind, this was a thick, large-format book chock-full of maps and other illustrations with tiny blackletter script.

Me: “Sure, I can do it, but I’d have to scan it in a massive resolution so the detail isn’t lost. The final file would be massive; it wouldn’t be practical to download it, and a normal ebook reader wouldn’t be able to display it correctly.”

Boss: “So, we’d have to make it less detailed.”

Me: “How do you mean?”

Boss: “It wouldn’t be possible with the illustrations; you’ll just have to make the writing bigger on all the pages.”

Me: “…”

Boss: “As for the pages with only text on them, you will just convert them into a Word document.”

Me: “That’s not how that works.”

Boss: “Why not?”

Me: “It’s just straight-up not possible, at least not with the software we have.”

Boss: “Can you do it on the Internet?”

Me: “No.”

Boss: “How do you know?”

Me: “I know.”

Boss: “Show me.”

I showed him that it’s not possible to convert a scanned book page into a text document on some random converter found on page one on Google.

Boss: “Okay, so you will instead cut the text out in Photoshop, make it larger, and arrange it on a new Photoshop file the same size, with less of a rim around it so the number of pages doesn’t get much higher.”

I flat-out refused, telling him it would be months of absolutely pointless work. He didn’t believe any of my claims, anyway, so I just converted the whole d*** thing into an ebook, which, in the end, was like 8GB in size. Since our server had 10TB, he also didn’t believe me when I tried to tell him that it was an absurdly massive file that few people would want to buy on that account.

Ah, well. At least I didn’t have to rearrange like 300 pages of text.

I’m a year and a half into the development of a new web application for managing complex data sets. Our boss has never been able to provide proper specifications for what he needs, just a flood of vague ideas with no real detail and constantly changing scope.

My job is to try and turn this into a comprehensible list of tasks that the dev team can actually follow. Each month, I have a planning session with the boss where we hash out the next period of work. Each session, I remind him that changing the scope means adding more time.

We agree and sign off the work to be delivered by the end of the month. So far, we’ve hit every deadline.

I thought we had a pretty good system in place until:

Boss: “I can’t believe we’re so far behind and how poorly you’ve managed this project.”

Me: “What do you mean? Haven’t we met all the agreed deadlines throughout the project?”

Boss: “I’ve made a spreadsheet of all the dates I wanted each feature done by. So far, you’ve missed every single one of them.”

Me: “Excuse me? We’ve always delivered what’s been agreed on time. Where have these new dates come from?”

Boss: “This is how long I thought the work should take and I made up my own timeline.”

Me: “I’ve never seen these dates before, let alone agreed to them. At a glance, many of them seem extremely optimistic.”

That’s business talk for “f****** mad”.

Me: “We agreed at the start this would be at least a three-year project.”

Boss: “Well, I decided it should take less time and you’re late. I’m going to have to pull the plug on this project if you can’t have everything wrapped up within the next month.”

I politely remind the boss that there was at least another year and a half of work left to complete the project. I’ll probably be looking for a new job shortly.

I am a freelance writer with particular academic expertise. My work is becoming more well-known and widespread, so my profile is rising somewhat. As a result, I am emailed out of the blue by an old acquaintance whom I’d worked with previously on a media project. He works in the media himself, and it shows.

Client: “Hi, mate. Long time no see. So, I’m putting together a new site, all about [subject]. I reckon it’ll be a really great resource, but I’m trying to get it off the ground. Would you be willing to write a piece for it? With your profile, it would really help get it noticed.”

I realise it will be a very quick job, and I bear the guy no ill will, so I am fine to do him a favour.

Me: “Yeah, okay. Sounds doable. I’ll send something over in a couple of days.”

Client: “Great, thanks. I’m afraid there’s no budget, so I can’t pay you, but it will be great exposure for you.”

Me: “So, you’ll get exposure because it’s me writing for you, and that exposure will be how I’m paid?”

Client: “Yeah. That all okay?”

I just sent him a quick piece in the end, seemed easier. Never saw the eventual site; presumably, it didn’t happen because his “pay me to work for me” strategy didn’t pan out.

Client: “We’re a startup game company, and we need one character with thirty different eyes, thirty different mouths, thirty different hairstyles, and thirty different bodies for our game where the character can be customized.”

Me: “Okay, that’s technically thirty characters with each element drawn separately and/or in separate layers.”

I then give my rate for thirty characters.

Client: “Your profile says you charge [amount] for only one character. Please give us that rate since it’s only one character but he has thirty different mouths, eyes, hair, and bodies. So the price should be just for one character.”

Client: “I have a CD here that I want to install.”

Me: “What’s on the CD?”

The client starts reading out all the files on the CD.

Me: “That isn’t helping.”

Client: “Okay, could you come over and help me install the CD?”

Me: “Can we do this over Team Viewer?”

Client: “Sure, could you come over and install Team Viewer for me?”

I do in-house design work for my boss. I’ve worked with her for ten years and she swings wildly back and forth from being surprisingly design-savvy (not for a literal decade of trying on my part) and being a client from Hell. Today, she swung somewhere in the middle.

I have spent the entire time I’ve known her explaining how you cannot just pull photos from Google; I’ve explained copyright, public domain, etc. She refuses to buy photos 99% of the time, so I usually use free stock photos when possible. When she absolutely needs to buy a photo, she emails our web guy and has him buy one for her and add it to her next bill.

Me: “I see you got [Web Guy] to purchase the photo for the ad and forwarded me the email with the file. Unfortunately, the file is too small. Unless he sent you a separate email with a larger file, I will just email him for the correct one.”

Boss: “Maybe it’s how I sent it. I’ll try again.”

She forwards me the same email.

Me: “No, no, it’s not you. The file he sent you is labelled “thumbnail,” which is a preview file. He probably just sent the wrong one by accident. I have emailed him.”

Boss: “What about this one?”

She sends an email with the same photo attached.

Me: “That’s the same one. I have emailed [Web Guy]. Don’t worry about it. You don’t have the correct file.”

She forwards the same original email from [Web Guy].

Boss: “What about now?”

Me: “No, boss, I’ll get it from [Web Guy].”

She forwards the individual email she sent me.

Boss: “How about now?”

Me: “Boss, no.”

Closure: She now has a stock photo account that I have access to.

I’m at a briefing with a client, along with a board made up of the client’s in-house developers and designers. While discussing an idea with some of the other people in the room, the client stands up and starts hitting the desk with the newspaper.

Me: “Excuse me, but what are you doing?”

Client: “Hush, this works on my dogs at home. It should work on you too.”

He beats the table with the newspaper for a few seconds.

Client: “Now, sit, and stay.”

He continues to beat the table. 

Me: “I’m sorry, this is ridiculous. I’m terminating you as a client.”

As I walked towards the door, the client jumped up from their seat and blocked the door.

Client: “If you want a snack, I’ve got some under my desk, no need to leave the meeting!”

At this point, I shoved him aside, and walked out, followed by him. Whistling, and shouting “come!”

My girlfriend works for a state-funded company and was the lead on the re-design of their website. They already had a developer lined up, but his design skills were not on-par with what they had in mind. As a web designer, I was naturally my girlfriend’s first selection for the job. After five minutes of discussing what they need to be done, I know I will have to turn down the job to save our relationship. 

Client: “So we need you to design three different options for the website and it needs to be designed in HTML and CSS.”

Me: “Okay, but if I’m just designing it, what do you need me to do with the HTML and CSS? Am I designing and developing the site?”

Client: “Just designing it, what’s the problem?”

Me: “Well, if I am designing it, why do you need me to use HTML or CSS? I can develop the site too if that’s what you’re asking?”

Client: “No! You’re not listening! You’re just designing the page, but we need it to be designed in CSS and HTML so it can be developed by[Developer’s Name] for our website.”

Me: “I don’t think you understand what HTML and CSS are.”

Client: “Yes I do! I took a marketing class!”

Me: “…”

Client: “We would like a drawing of a moose on skis.”

I send the art.

Client: “Why there were two feet on each ski?”

Me: “People ski on two skis and a moose has four feet so I put two on each ski.”

Client: “That is ridiculous!”

Me: “Which part? You’ll have to be more specific?”

Client: “Well, I’m pretty sure they don’t make skis that can accommodate two feet each!”

Me: “Right. That was a pretty big leap on my part, sorry.”

This story happened a few years ago. A friend refers me to his mother, a real estate agent who wants a new website for her business. I call her to set up an appointment.

Client: “So, what is your expertise in real estate?”

Me: “I’ve done two real-estate websites in the past, and they’ve been quite successful. I can provide you with a searchable database of listings where buyers can filter by price and other factors, as well as a homepage with featured listings, your bio, and anything else you’d like to include.”

Client: “Yes, but have you ever sold a house before?”

Me: “No.”

Client: “Why not?”

Me: “Because I’m not a real estate agent. I’m a web developer.”

Client: “So how do you expect to do a website for me if you don’t know anything about being a realtor?”

Me: “I know enough to build a website with a listing database which you can very easily populate with descriptions, photos, and any other info you wish to provide the buyers with. I can also provide other tools, such as a mortgage calculator and a lead-tracking system that allows potential buyers to contact you with listings they are interested in.”

Client: “I really don’t think you know what you’re doing. I think I’m going to have to pass and find someone who knows how to sell a house.”

Later, I discovered she had finished her website. On Geocities. Yellow background. 50pt font. Seemingly designed by a ‘real’ real estate agent…

Me: “I’ve looked at the brief and it’ll cost [total].”

Client: “I thought you were a freelancer.”

Me: “I am.”

Client: “No, you’re not. You’re a chargelancer!”

I’m designing a photographic history exhibit for a prestigious university. The project requires a series of panels that each depict a different decade, from the 1930s to the present.

Client: “You know, this is all great, but it could use a little more diversity. Right now, there are a lot of photos of all white men, and we don’t want to send the wrong message.”

Me: “Okay, that’s a reasonable request. I could pull some photos of your black student organizations and women’s center and add those to the panels showing the school’s more recent history.”

Client: “Actually, we’d love more diversity in the early panels too.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Client: “Like this panel depicting the university in the 30s. All the photos are of white men!”

The school did not admit black students until the 1970s.

Me: “Hey, I’m glad I caught you. I’m calling about that request that I made five weeks ago. You never responded to any of my emails or voice messages. I’m just wondering what the status on that is?”

Client: “Well, the reason I didn’t respond was because your first email about it was unprofessional. We’re all professionals here, and I expect to be treated professionally. You really need to work on your communication skills, and I expect better from you if we’re going to continue working together.”

Me: “I’m looking at the whole email chain right now, and it seems fine to me. What seems wrong with it?”

Client: “Well, for starters, you could ask how my day’s been. Or you could put a joke at the bottom of the email. And you should really get rid of that line with all your company information at the bottom, it looks so unprofessional.”

I work as dispatch for a trucking company. One of my duties is to provide the closest truck driver for shipment. I get a call from a customer.

Customer: We can pay [generous amount] for this shipment, can you please check with your driver if that will be enough for him?”

I ask the driver:

Driver: “Yes, lock it down!”

Customer: “Alright, send your driver to the address.”

When the driver arrives at the address, he needs to wait for a couple of hours because they “made a mistake” with the paperwork. After asking them when they will be ready, only at the end do they tell him they sent their shipment with another courier for less money, and they didn’t even contact us. The driver tells me this and I call them asking for an explanation. They only said “sorry “and hung up.

Related:
Absolutely Trucking Mad, Part 4
Absolutely Trucking Mad, Part 3
Absolutely Trucking Mad, Part 2
Absolutely Trucking Mad

Client: “I need the number for Jack. Can you give me his number, please?”

Me: “Jack? Jack who?”

Client: “The manual for the modem said that I need to connect to Jack, so if you could give me his number, then I can connect with him.”

Where modern design, affordable living and sustainability meet, there is CABN. The first home of this project has just been created and soon, CABN's design will be the basis of a 67-home, net-zero community. If this is what the future looks like, there is hope that humans will actually have a healthy, happy future on this planet.[...]

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You probably haven’t given a lot of thought to the damaging effects of tire wear, at least when it comes to our food supply. But a study out of the University of Vienna (UV) will likely change your perspective on that. [...]

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As our awareness of how our actions impact the environment grows, it becomes increasingly important to integrate sustainability into all aspects of our lives. This includes the materials we choose for yoga gear. Yoga Design Lab offers a range of products that not only enhance the yoga experience, but also prioritize eco-friendly materials.[...]

Plastic and floating debris are part of a problem that is rapidly growing. The Great Pacific Garbage Patch (GPGP) is just one example of how water pollution and trash dumping are spiraling out of our control. Big, floating heaps of debris like the GPGP require interventions that are on a larger scale. This includes those carried out by The Ocean Cleanup, a nonprofit organization that removes floating ocean debris. However, what about smaller-scale solutions? Coastlines and local waterways also suffer from water pollution as a result of littering. This threatens biodiversity by causing illness and reproductive issues, particularly when aquatic[...]

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You shop local and buy organic when you can, but how can you tell if your farmers market produce is really organic? There have been a few scandals in recent years where farmers market vendors were found to be purchasing and reselling grocery store produce labeled as locally grown. So how can you tell? Here's how to find a great farmers market vendor or food co-op for organic produce.[...]

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Wood is one of the most common materials used for manufacturing and construction. Despite it being a natural resource with potential for reuse and its biodegradable qualities, the wood used in the industry is far from circular. In fact, each year, millions of tons of this precious material are wasted. To prevent this, a group of designers from the firm Disrupt.Design Lab (D.DLAB) have been exploring the development of circular solutions for wood. By developing new techniques that combine advanced fabrication and traditional methods, the team aims to contribute to the development of zero-waste industries.[...]

Wedding season is upon us, and thanks to a slowly retreating pandemic, there seems to be more than ever. Whether you are attending a wedding this year or planning one for next year, it is important to recognize the environmental impact that such an event can have. There is an average of two million weddings a year in the U.S., and they are some of the most expensive parties thrown around the world. Between travel, single-use objects and food waste, weddings produce 400 pounds of trash and 63 tons of carbon dioxide per event.[...]