PBOT leaders say they’ve already addressed many of the auditor’s recommendations. They also say the scale of Portland’s traffic violence crisis is too big for just one bureau to address. by Taylor Griggs

The Portland Bureau of Transportation (PBOT) adopted its Vision Zero Action Plan in December 2016, with the goal of eliminating traffic crash deaths and injuries in the city. But in recent years, Portland has seen its highest numbers of traffic injuries and fatalities in decades. Pedestrians have faced a heightened risk of traffic violence in recent years, and parts of Portland with higher low-income populations and communities of color are also disproportionately impacted. 

The daylight between PBOT’s stated Vision Zero goals and the increase in recent traffic crash deaths prompted scrutiny from the Portland Auditor’s Office. A new report from the Auditor’s Office, released Wednesday, says PBOT “partially completed” safety projects identified in its Vision Zero plan, but notes the bureau doesn’t adequately evaluate the outcomes of the safety projects it completes. 

The Auditor’s Office recommends PBOT create a plan to evaluate its projects “to determine which get the desired outcomes and where Vision Zero efforts are most needed.” The office also asks the bureau to install promised speed cameras to help with traffic safety enforcement and recommends PBOT “revisit its equity methodology to ensure it accounts for smaller scale improvements that could have positive equity impacts.” 

“These efforts to collect data, analyze, evaluate, and carefully track which safety projects have the most desired outcomes could help move toward Vision Zero’s goal of zero fatal and serious injury traffic crashes,” the audit report states. 

The audit report highlights concerns about the Vision Zero program that many transportation and safe streets activists have raised for years—though the Auditor’s Office didn’t issue as harsh an indictment of PBOT as some critics may want. Earlier this year, when PBOT leaders presented their 2023 Vision Zero report to City Council, some Portland advocates didn’t mince words about their thoughts on the city’s implementation of the program. 

“There is no question that Portland's Vision Zero Program has been an abject failure,” Sarah Risser, a local transportation safety activist, wrote in public testimony to City Council in April. “Given its abysmal track record, it is reasonable to conclude that it will continue to be a failure.”

The Portland Auditor’s Office didn’t mark PBOT’s Vision Zero plan as a failure in its report, and PBOT leaders ultimately agreed with its recommendations, some of which the bureau says it has already implemented on its own. 

PBOT, too, acknowledges that larger structural changes are needed to save lives on the streets. Bureau leaders say they will continue working on their Vision Zero plans, but they hope the city government transition will break down silos and encourage more involvement in solving the problem of traffic violence on Portland’s streets. 

Auditor’s Office Suggests More Evaluation, Qualitative Data Collection Methods 

The year PBOT adopted the Vision Zero plan, 42 people died in traffic crashes on Portland’s streets. In 2019, when the bureau updated the plan to emphasize transportation system safety and focus more on actions within PBOT’s control, 48 people were the victims of traffic violence. In the last three years, more than 60 people have died in traffic crashes in Portland each year, with 69 fatalities in 2023. 

When PBOT leaders presented the 2023 Vision Zero report to City Council earlier this year, they acknowledged the rise in traffic fatalities since the program was adopted. But they said the program is successful in areas PBOT has been able to invest in, and said the bureau’s budget woes have curtailed its progress. The audit report suggests PBOT could get more out of the projects it does complete by improving its evaluation processes, which have historically been lacking. 

“Without systemic evaluation of safety outcomes, the Bureau is missing the opportunity to create more alignment between the work they do on safety projects and the overall goal of Vision Zero,” the report states. “A more systematic approach would allow trends to be identified and analyzed to better understand the outcomes of completed projects, and which may need to be altered or dropped. As traffic deaths continue to increase it is vital that the Bureau consistently evaluate completed safety projects so they can see which are working best at shifting the trend towards the intended goal of zero traffic deaths and serious injuries.” 

The second major recommendation the audit report suggests is that PBOT “do more to enforce speed limits” by following through on its promise to install more speed cameras throughout the city. Despite research showing the effectiveness of enforcement cameras as a way to reduce speeds and increase traffic safety—without involving the police—PBOT has been slow to install them. The bureau has blamed its camera vendor for the lag in speed camera implementation, but says it now has 37 cameras in operation or construction, and current contracted cameras will be online early next year. (By March 2023, PBOT had only installed nine cameras in the prior eight years.) 

The report also states despite PBOT’s attempt to prioritize and fund safety projects equitably—based on both crash data and neighborhood demographics—it may be missing “smaller safety projects with possible equitable outcomes” if they aren’t located on high-crash corridors. The Auditor’s Office recommends PBOT use more qualitative data to determine the projects it carries out. 

In response to the auditor’s recommendations, Public Works Service Area Deputy City Administrator Priya Dhanapal and PBOT Director Millicent Williams said while they “largely agree with the recommendations in the audit,” it’s a bit outdated. Last year, PBOT issued a Vision Zero Action Plan update for 2024 and 2025, which addresses many of the issues outlined in the audit report. 

“Our current Vision Zero Action Plan includes priorities directly tied to evaluation, delivery of the camera program and speed management as well as equity objectives,” Dhanapal and Williams wrote. “The audit was conducted on work and commitments outlined 3-5 years ago and work that took place during the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic.” 

Dhanapal and Williams also said PBOT needs help from other city bureaus to solve the crisis of traffic violence. 

“Eliminating traffic deaths and serious injuries in Portland is possible [and] PBOT can lead the way,” Dhanapal and Williams wrote in a letter responding to the auditor’s report. “However, Portland will not reach Vision Zero with street design alone…. A societal commitment to meet basic human needs and implement strategies to change current conditions are necessary to reach many of our shared goals, including Vision Zero. These changes require leadership, investment, and commitment from partners beyond PBOT.”

PBOT leaders say they hope that collaboration and commitment will be easier due to the upcoming changes in Portland’s government. 

“Eliminating traffic deaths and serious injuries is a City commitment and goal, but as a City we have focused the discussion on what PBOT does to change streets,” Dhanapal and Williams wrote. “We believe the City transition provides an opportunity to reengage City bureaus in Portland’s Vision Zero commitment and integrate the Safe System approach to traffic safety as a comprehensive prevention strategy to save lives.” 

by Taylor Griggs

The Mercury provides news and fun every single day—but your help is essential. If you believe Portland benefits from smart, local journalism and arts coverage, please consider making a small monthly contribution, because without you, there is no us. Thanks for your support! 

Good morning, Portland! There's rain on the menu for today, but you probably didn't need me to tell you that. Hopefully you know how to layer for November in Portland by now. Anddddd that's all the small talk we have time for this morning, so chop chop. It's news time. 

IN LOCAL NEWS: 

• Portland City Council is set to vote today on a five-year contract renewal for the Downtown Portland Clean & Safe district, as well as a major expansion of the service area it covers and a fee hike. A couple weeks ago, when this item was first brought to the council, many Portlanders testified against the contract renewal. Now, four incoming city councilors (Mitch Green, Sameer Kanal, Tiffany Koyama Lane and Angelita Morillo)—along with community organizations and dozens of residents, have penned a letter to the current City Council asking them to postpone the contract renewal. 

Why the negativity for Clean & Safe? Well, as an excellent new article from our Courtney Vaughn details, the Clean & Safe district is overseen by an organization that has significant overlap in its management with the Portland Metro Chamber, AKA the Portland Business Alliance. The new contract would funnel a good portion of the $58 million contract to the Metro Chamber, which they will spend on lobbying efforts for private business interests. The program is also convoluted and lacks oversight, and it contributes majorly to the criminalization of homeless people in downtown Portland. So there's a lot wrong with it. Read the article for more of the details, and stay tuned for City Council's decision today. 

• The Portland Auditor's Office has released a much-anticipated (by me, at least) report on the Portland Bureau of Transportation's (PBOT) Vision Zero Action Plan, which the city adopted in 2016 in an effort to eliminate traffic crash fatalities and serious injuries. But in the eight years since the Vision Zero plan was adopted (and been updated twice), traffic crash deaths have increased in Portland, especially in the last four years. In 2023, 69 people were killed in traffic crashes on Portland streets. Given the current reality, it's understandable that people are questioning how effective the Vision Zero program is. 

While the Auditor's Office isn't seeking an overhaul of the program, the report recommends PBOT makes several key changes to improve Vision Zero outcomes. The audit report says PBOT should create a better project evaluation system, install more speed cameras, and use more qualitative data to determine the most equitable safety projects. According to PBOT, most of the concerns expressed in the audit report have already been addressed in the most recent Vision Zero update.

PBOT leaders did say they are hopeful more traffic safety improvements will be possible when Portland finally (fully) transitions to its new, less-siloed form of government in January. The report just came out this morning, so there hasn't been much in the way of community response yet, but I'm sure it will spark some Thoughts, capital "T." 

•  On a related note, the World Day of Remembrance of Road Traffic Victims is this Sunday, an annual day to honor the many lives lost prematurely to traffic violence. Community organizations Families for Safe Streets, BikeLoud PDX, and Oregon Walks will join PBOT, elected leaders, and community members for a gathering at Portland City Hall. Find out more about the event here. 

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A post shared by Families for Safe Streets PDX (@fss_pdx)

• Here's a painful fact, courtesy of a new investigation from OPB and ProPublica: Despite President Biden's repeated promises to save old growth forests in the Pacific Northwest, the Bureau of Land Management is allowing timber companies to log such forests now more than in the last 10 years. Biden's BLM is on track to log 47,000 acres of public lands during his four years in office— about the same amount that Trump oversaw during his first term in office. And, get this: This is after Biden made an executive order to protect mature and old-growth forests in 2022! Considering the rare beauty of these forests—and, more importantly, their importance to ecosystems and ability to mitigate carbon emission—this is very unfortunate. The Biden administration hasn't answered for the BLM's actions, or if they're planning to take steps to further protect old growth forests in preparation for the next Trump administration. Let's hope he makes some changes while he still can, because we all know Trump will be a lot worse. 

• Rene Gonzalez, after losing his bid for mayor, is seeking donations of up to $579 because his campaign is in debt. I wonder if anyone will pay him. 

Stealing this from the other site because y’all need to see it. Anyone gonna donate $579 to Rene Gonzalez’s failed campaign for mayor??? @pradapdx.bsky.social

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— Taylor Griggs (@taylorgriggs.bsky.social) November 12, 2024 at 5:11 PM

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS: 

• President-elect Donald Trump (ouch) has asked Vivek Ramaswamy (ouch again) and Elon Musk (commentary unnecessary here) to lead a new government agency that he plans to create in order to regulate federal spending. The new agency will be called the Department of Government Efficiency, which just happens to create the acronym DOGE, a reference to the Shiba Inu meme of the mid-2010s and the joke cryptocurrency by the same name that Musk promoted. Apparently, a Department of Government Efficiency needs to be run by two people. I hope I am adequately conveying my tone of contempt here. 

As ridiculous as this all is, it's also extremely bad. Trump, Musk, and Ramaswamy's plan is to fire thousands of federal employees, cut necessary regulations, and ultimately destroy many of the most crucial components of the federal government. All we can do is hope that SOME Republicans in Congress (we don't need all of them!) will realize how idiotic this is and block Trump's attempt to create a new government agency, which he can't do without congressional approval. Or can he? The limit to this idiocy knows no bounds.

However, given these men's volatility—which is replicated in many others in Trump's sphere—it does seem pretty likely that they'll all be in a huge fight by the time Trump takes office. I do think there are some major catfights on the horizon, if that gives you any comfort in these trying times. 

fundamentally this is what Trump administrations are all about: the guys. there will be new guys every week. they will startle you, you'll be astounded by them, and then as quickly as they appeared they will fade into an indistinguishable mass, leaves on the forest floor.

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— Peter (@notalawyer.bsky.social) November 12, 2024 at 4:39 PM

• Here's something that will NOT give you comfort in these trying times: Despite the hope last year would mark a global carbon dioxide emissions peak, humans are burning more fossil fuels this year than we did last year. The world is on track to put 0.8 percent more carbon into the atmosphere than in 2023. Though this is not surprising, it IS actually crazy behavior from humanity (and let me be clear, it's a tiny minority of humans leading the charge on this, though a substantially larger minority are eagerly/mindlessly participating in burning fossil fuels at a rate incompatible with the future of life on this planet). Good thing we will have strong climate leadership in the White House come January. NOT!!!! 

• One way people are attempting to #resist Elon Musk after he helped Trump get into office and will now seemingly play a key role in his administration? Leaving Twitter, AKA X, the social media site he bought and ruined. Bluesky may be the place to be now. (I am finding it much more pleasant.) 

In the week since the U.S. presidential election, Elon Musk has used X, the social media platform he owns, to reiterate his support for President-elect Donald Trump. Some of X’s users have decided they want to post elsewhere. Among the largest beneficiaries of that desire is Bluesky. nyti.ms/48JtYAt

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— The New York Times (@nytimes.com) November 12, 2024 at 10:46 PM

 

• Okay, here's some actual good news: The U.S. House voted down a bill that would've helped Trump censor and persecute his political opponents. The Stop Terror-Financing and Tax Penalties on American Hostages Act had previously received bipartisan support, but after Trump was elected, some Democratic lawmakers (and The Intercept) raised alarm bells. The bill would give the U.S. Treasury Department complete authority to revoke the tax-exempt status of nonprofits it deems are "terrorist supporting organizations," which Trump could use to enable the destruction of nonprofits that the future president doesn't politically align with. WHEW. 

• Finally, please watch this video of a little boy and his crow friend. ???????? Bye bye! 

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A post shared by Dogs | Puppies | Family (@yourpaws.global)

 

 

 

 

The newspaper asserts that Ranked Choice Voting "cratered" voter engagement. That's bullshit. by Wm. Steven Humphrey

Starting in January 2025, Portland will have the most diverse, and politically balanced City Council in the history of our city. Full stop.

The reason why we’re able to celebrate this indisputable fact is thanks to charter reform and ranked choice voting, which allowed citizens from every demographic and Portland neighborhood the opportunity to serve their city (and the rest of us to vote for them). 

But despite those two objectively correct statements, local media continues to platform the dishonest cynics who have been fighting charter reform and ranked choice voting from the beginning. The Oregonian, who loves writing intellectually dishonest headlines like this, really outdid themselves with this recent post-election article: Portland’s ranked-choice debut causes voter engagement to crater; 1 in 5 who cast ballots chose no one for City Council. 

Let’s break it down, shall we? Using the word “crater” to describe Portland’s voter engagement, and attempting to lay the blame on the doorstep of ranked choice voting, is not only an unethical choice, it’s factually incorrect. While overall voter turnout wasn’t what it was in 2020 (79%), Portland engagement still reached 74.5%—that’s still three-quarters of our total population. Does that sound like overall engagement “cratered” to you?

 And perhaps it’s true that one-out-of-five voters chose not to rank any candidates for City Council and mayor—though, as a reasonable person, I might wait until that number got a little bit higher before labeling it as “cratering.” And yes, it is absolutely correct that a historically large group of candidates ran for City Council this year, which probably stunned some voters who aren’t used to doing a lot of research. BUT! And let me say this loud and proud so everyone in the back can hear it: Having a lot of candidates who love their community and want to serve it is A VERY GOOD THING. (And it’s even better for democracy.) And while we can definitely do more as a city to make sure minority and low-income communities have the information they need in future races, according to the Oregonian’s own numbers, four out of five Portlanders successfully filled out their ballots without their brains exploding. So actually, I’d call that a big win. 

And that’s my problem with this poorly headlined article: The main thesis seems to be that just because one-in-five Portland voters chose not to cast votes in two races, this is somehow the fault of ranked choice voting. That’s bullshit. And here’s why: Let’s imagine ranked choice voting never existed, and Portlanders were still choosing just a single candidate for every office. Thanks to the general ineptitude of the current City Council—which inspired so many people to run against them—a huge number of candidates would’ve still been on that ballot. And if that had occurred, voters would have been confronted with the exact same conundrum.

Oh, and if you do happen to dip into the O’s article, here’s a little media studies trick: While most news outlets claim objectivity as their guiding star, if you want to spot potential bias, head to the final paragraph of just about any article, and see who gets the last word. In the case of this Oregonian story, the last word was given to a failed conservative Council candidate, Bob Weinstein, who freely admits he was never in favor of charter reform in the first place, and issued this damning indictment of ranked choice voting: “It’s very anti-democratic, to me, to have a result like this.”

I’m curious: Which of the following results is the most “anti-democratic”? Was it three-quarters of the population voting? Was it the large number of candidates who, after 100 years of being shut out of elections, were finally given a chance to fairly compete? Was it the actual result, which was getting (as mentioned before) the most diverse and politically balanced City Council we’ve had in the history of our city? Or was it “anti-democratic” simply because he lost?

Unfortunately, we’ll probably be reading a lot more thoughtless headlines and hearing a lot more anti-Charter Reform language from Portland’s conservative business class. Frankly, the old system worked GREAT for them, giving the wealthy an outsized voice and control over policy in City Hall. And even though the new council will have conservative voices who will fight valiantly to ensure the rich continue getting richer, that’s not good enough for those who want absolute power. In short, if you like what conservatives did to Measure 110, keep an eye out on what they’re planning to do to Charter Reform.

For the rest of us, there’s an old saying: “Progress, not perfection.” We’re sorry to break the hearts of the Oregonian headline writers and the bad actors who have dominated Portland politics for over a century, but new, vital forms of government—like any new plan or system that regular folks like you put into action every single day—will NEVER be perfect from the start, and need time and grace in order to operate at top proficiency. That said, if one-in-five voters refusing to choose a candidate in two races is the worst thing to happen in an election where we make sweeping changes for the very first time? I’d say democracy continues to be in pretty good shape. 

But that’s just my opinion—from deep in the “crater.”

After 20 years, Oregon's largest anime convention is still volunteer-led and bursting with enthusiastic energy. by Corbin Smith

More than twelve thousand fans descended on Portland last weekend to celebrate 20 years of Kumoricon, Oregon’s largest convention for appreciators of anime and the content world that surrounds it.

From Friday through Sunday attendees competed in video game tournaments, stood in as chess pieces in human-sized games, browsed the works of hundreds of artists and vendors in a massive market, and even waited in line to meet the person who voiced Shamir in Fire Emblem: Three Houses. But primarily, they wore cosplay, looked at cosplay, repaired cosplay, and plotted future cosplays. 

Compared to other conventions, like a big sports trading card convention I attended earlier this year, Kumoricon carries a softer, cheerier vibe. The fest is still proudly volunteer-run, despite its longevity and steady growth. While that trading card event was driven by the thrill of the exchange—the dream of something exploding in value—Kumoricon seems driven by the thrill of giving and receiving cosplay costume compliments.

You see the exchange often: cosplayers stopping others to say, “I love that, amazing job.” The complimented might mention something about the character or the other person's costume. It’s quick; everyone keeps walking on, but with a new little miniature bond sitting in their back pocket—forged from a pop culture connection and some light kindness. It’s all very earnest, and enthusiastic; a gentler world for gentler people. 

We photographed some cosplayers in attendance, and they told us why they attend conventions and a little about what goes into their costuming.

Jay is dressed as an original character, a Chinese moon moth named Uei. photo corbin smith

Jay showed off a cosplay of an original character—a Chinese moon moth named Uei—saying, "moon moths are from Asia and southwest China, so I tried to base her on an ancient Hanfu style. I bought a traditional Hanfu skirt from a reputable source called NewMoonDance. I’ve been cosplaying for fifteen years, and I’ve never been able to make anything that is my own. I made the top, handmade the wings, and painted them myself."

“Being in a con space when I was 13 was very supportive," Jay continued. "Everybody was always hyping each other up; there were silly little dances everywhere. It’s where I met my current fiancee, and all of my long standing friends. Cons were where you found your people."

Wesley as Lelouch from Code Geass. photo by corbin smith

Dressed as Lelouch Lamperouge from anime show Code Geass, Wesley expressed a love for Lamperouge's character arc—"going from a morally gray character, to pure evil, but for the good of good things. He’s just interesting. And also, I love big cape." Asked about the cape, Wesley clarified, "I love how it gets caught on things."

Hannah as Theodore from the rodent-led pop band 'Alvin and the Chipmunks.' Photo by corbin smith

Hannah's choice to dress as Theodore—of the virtual band Alvin and the Chipmunks—was based on the character being "fun and silly… we just munk around.” The costume's large black contacts are from Uniqso. "These are actually the mini-sclera, I’m afraid of the big normal sclera that covers your entire eye... I’ve seen them get stuck, so you can’t get your nail under there to pull them out."

Bonnie dressed as Anya from the indie horror game ‘Mouthwashing.’ photo by corbin smith Niko Suits dressed as Xie lian from 'Heaven’s Official Blessing.' photo by corbin smith

Niko Suits competes at the Master level of cosplay competition because they are actually a professional costumer, working in theater. "Pretty much anything—opera, ballet,” they explained. "If you’ve been [to a local show] in the last three years,  I’ve probably worked on it.”

Suits' mother encouraged them to take up sewing when they were young. “I have ADHD, so my mom was like, 'You need to have a hobby that is cheap and can keep you kind of quiet and sat for a bit," they recalled. "When I was 10, I was looking up Fullmetal Alchemist, and I found the cosplayer Reika—she’s kind of The Cosplayer. I found her, and I was like ‘YOU CAN DRESS UP LIKE THEM?' and it went from there.”

Tyler as Wirt from 'Over the Garden Wall.' photo by corbin smith

Tyler busked, tooting out videos game melodies and other popular tunes on a wireless electronic wind instrument, for all three days of the con. The activity worked well with cosplaying Wirt from Cartoon Network's Over the Garden Wall, who plays clarinet on the show. "I’m pleasantly surprised by how kind people have been," Tyler said. "I’ve been to Kumoricon the last five years, and I always see musicians out here play. So I finally decided to do it, and I’m glad I did. I’ve made over two hundred dollars so far."

April as Pumpkin Gal from 'Over the Garden Wall.' Photo by corbin Smith

The pumpkin head on April's costume—Pumpkin Gal from Over the Garden Wall—was much lighter than it looked, as it was crafted with an expanding foam, instead of papier-mché. April explained: “It's got a hard hat to hold it all together, cardboard on the inside to make the frame, and you just cover all the holes, spray it on, shave it, and boom."

Elee as Gyokuyō from 'The Apothecary Diaries.' Photo by Corbin Smith

“I actually learned to sew before I got into cosplay," Elee recalled. "My friends were like: Hey, you wanna come to this con, you wanna dress like silly little guys? And I was like, heck yes! It’s so fun to plan your outfits, spend all this time making your cosplay, and making everything for your outfit. Everyone is very excited to see what character you chose, and you have a fun time seeing what everyone else dressed up as—it’s just a very fun and positive experience."

Adrian as Isabelle from 'Animal Crossing.' Photo by corbin smith

Goblin as Maomao, also from 'The Apothecary Diaries.' Photo by Corbin Smith

Goblin is part of a cosplay collective called Too Broke for Cosplay, with fellow crafters Elee and Adrian, and credits Elee with teaching them to sew. At first, Goblin just did "tasks [Elee] didn’t like, like seam-ripping." Now they're working with furniture or upholstery fabrics on a heavy-duty Singer sewing machine. "When I hand make stuff, it lasts WAY longer than stuff I would buy online," they said. "There’s stuff I bought online that dies within one use and it cost $50-$70 dollars. This is my fourth time wearing this costume; I’ve only added to it, and it’s stayed as good."

You know the tune... sing along! by Ricky Pee Pee Ricky Pee Pee (@rickypeepee_official)

 

Four examples of music that take a decidedly
different spin on the holidays. by Corbin Smith

Over the years, the recording industry has managed to create Christmas music for every mood. Thousands of sad piano takes on "The Christmas Song" (Chestnuts Roasting Over an Open Fire), the pure pop joy of Mariah Carey belting out “All I want for Christmas is you,” the simple, light brain damage you get from a loud, irritating version of “Sleigh Ride.” But what about when you are in a VERY particular mood? When the season has transported you into one of life’s bizarre gutters, left you in such a particular place where you need a very particular sort of Christmas music to haul you out of it? For you, for this, I offer this guide to Christmas music for truly any mood. 

••••

For when you and your fellow teenage orphans—residents of a foster home owned by kindly old women in deep with the bank— just pulled off the Christmas Eve heist of the century to pay her mortgage and are tipping back a big ol’ glass of hot cider while looking over Portland: Bob Dylan, Christmas in the Heart

A few years back, Bob Dylan, our truest and most loving uncle, made a Christmas album. Surface analysis: it’s weird he did that. Deeper analysis: it’s not actually weird, because Bob admires folk music and the Great American Songbook, and Christmas music is a canon built from both. Even deeper analysis: it’s still pretty weird, because it’s weird to listen to Bob Dylan unleashing his signature late career Warm Croak on Christmas songs you’ve been inundated with your entire life.

But when you get past the sheer novelty of King Gravel intoning “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” a song made famous by Judy Garland, you remember that, oh yeah, Bob Dylan is one of history’s greatest musicians, and offers a wealth of feeling, warmth and energy—even (especially) when he’s pursuing a strange muse. His “Must Be Santa,” anchored by a loud accordion and augmented by a rechristening of the reindeer as post-war presidents, is pure jalopy shit—a sound of the Christmas gathering flying apart at the seams as candy-ridden children roam through the hallway and shove each other into toilets. “I’ll Be Home for Christmas,” is a standard ‘50s pop music take, lifted into something transcendent by Bob’s presence behind the microphone. “Winter Wonderland” and “Christmas Island” presents an alternate world Dylan, one more into vibing and tipping back, as opposed to an artist with an endless appetite for work and startling discipline.

The best song on here is Bob’s version of “Do You Hear What I Hear.” He is, after all, an old wise man now, wandering through deserts, handing out gifts. His intonation on “A child, a child/Sleeping in the night/He will bring us goodness and light,” is struck through with a warmth and sincerity that you don’t associate with Trickster Bob. Is it a performance of awe, trying to capture a world that still had some sense of the divine? Is it a true wonder in the potential of the child, a hope for the future? Is it just a straightforward exaltation of Christ himself? You can never really know with Bob, of course, but it stirs.

••••

Courtesy Hallmark

For when your company—an international logistics concern—sent you on a last minute overseas business trip over Christmas, and you stroll the streets alone and alienated on Christmas Eve, until you walk into a fancy cocktail bar and lock eyes with another disaffected expat at the bar: Duke Ellington, The Nutcracker Suite

Did you know that Duke isn’t his real name? You see, when Duke Ellington was a child, everyone who lived in his neighborhood thought he seemed like minor royalty, and just started calling him Duke as a result. That was how smooth this man was, folks. But it would not have meant much if the Duke was not also a world historic musical genius. A bandleader, composer, a thinker, whose work brought a formal precision and imagination to jazz that changed the enterprise forever, transmuting it from an outgrowth of blues into the great American musical form.

One of the ways that Duke built this new form was taking forays into classical music, breaking apart or injecting the classical canon with improvisation and swing time, or likewise, taking the forms of classical music and overlaying them with original compositions informed by his lifetime as an orchestra leader working in a jazz idiom. In Duke’s hands, genre distinctions, of dance music or concert music, become wobbly, fall off the boat, drown in the ocean of his genius, and are reborn into an object of pure American greatness. 

In 1960, Duke, riding a popular revival as newfangled bebop artists codified his importance in their own development, worked with Billy Strayhorn—his longtime arranging partner—to break apart Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker suite, perhaps the most famous piece of dance music ever composed, and reforge it into this album, which takes Pytor’s famous melodies and remakes them into nine swing numbers. 

“The Dance of The Sugar Plum Fairy,” all ethereal glockenspiels in the ballet, becomes “Sugar Rum Cherry,” a terribly horny reforging that asks a question that would not occur to you otherwise: What if I kind of want to fuck the Sugar Plum Fairy? “The Nutcracker March” is now “Peanut Brittle Brigade,” a New Orleans parade of nutcracker men. “Chinoiserie,” the Duke’s version of “The Chinese Dance,” loosens up the source material to the point where it sounds like something someone might actually dance to as opposed to the Tchaikovsky original, bloodless to the point of making its subject seem alien.

••••

Courtesy Sony Legacy

For when you’re driving home from your family’s yearly Christmas gathering—which was good, for the most part, but your Aunt Shelly got WAY too blitzed on eggnog and hot toddies and vomm’d in the backyard: Wynton Marsalis, Crescent City Christmas Card

There’s a lot to know about Wynton Marsalis, the trumpeter, band leader, and academic, who has long represented a kind of traditionalist approach to jazz performance and composition that can maybe seem a little square. And while I personally don’t know a lot about Marsalis, I do know about this album, a suite of Christmas standards he released in 1989. A lot of it is fairly standard jazz takes on Christmas classics: a trumpet playing a slightly off-kilter rendition of “Winter Wonderland,” a brassy vocal take on “Sleigh Ride,” “Carol of the Bells” with the forward momentum of the death chant replaced by laconic swing music jamming, and “Jingle Bells,” with a li’l woodblock that brings horse evocations to the party. 

But some of it is insane—insane in a way that makes you wonder what Wynton is trying to get out. Take this album’s version of “Silent Night”: a standard female vocal, trilling and ethereal, but set to a backdrop of woozy, uncertain horns, that give the thing a vaguely creepy vibe. What does it mean to set a hymn of the infant Christ in front of trumpets that suggest a danger lurking on the horizon? Is it an evocation of Herod’s men in the field, looking for the child so he may butcher any competition for his spot at the top of Israel’s local government? Is it broadcasting uncertainty about the future of this child’s life, over the fanaticism he would come to embrace, the horror of his violent death? Is it a way of juxtaposing the sentimental story of Jesus’ birth with the world of unease and terror that would form in his wake? 

Why would someone make a version of “Little Drummer Boy” that seems to intentionally bury the drums in the mix? Trumpeter’s jealousy? What does a laid back swing version of “We Three Kings” mean? That the kings were cool? Were they cool? I have never thought about it, really. By insisting that he press as much jazz shit as possible into these standards, Wynton runs up against the idea of these things as content about Christmas and into the idea of them as forms.

••••

Courtesy CD Baby

For when she took the kids home after their mandatory Christmas Eve visit and you have wandered out into the cold night, purchased a six pack of Rolling Rock and a bottle of Mad Dog, and—two brewskies and five sips of fortified in—you plop down in the arched, gothic-style doorway of a neighborhood church, and just sit there, sipping and watching the rain come in, wondering when and how it all went so wrong: Benjamin Britten, Ceremony of Carols

20th Century British Composer Benjamin Britten was a sad man who made beautiful music. Ceremony of Carols is a song cycle for boys choir and solo harp, written on a boat coming back to England during the middle of World War II, when U-Boats were scouring the ocean, looking to send boats full of British guys plunging into the icy ocean. It takes a bunch of old Christmas and Baby Jesus related poems in various languages, sets them to music, and goes at it hard as hell. It’s beautiful, it’s faintly sad, it’s everything you need for a Christmas where the disappointments of the year fight against the idea of a wee babe, born in a barn, bringing hope into the world. NOT FOR LIGHT LISTENING, but essential for any soul slipping into darkness. 

Local brewers describe the secret ingredients that put their beers in the holiday spirit. by Joe Streckert

Every year around November, beer aisles and bottle shops get seasonal. Winter ales appear on the shelves right around the time frost starts appearing on the ground. 

Winter beers aren’t any one thing. Holiday brews are more of a feeling than a prescribed list of ingredients or techniques. The closest thing the beer world has to “official” rules about beer styles is the Beer Judge Certification Program guidelines. The most recent version of the guidelines advises beer judges to “think more about the declared concept than trying to detect each individual ingredient. Balance, drinkability, and execution of the theme are the most important deciding factors” when evaluating winter beers.

In other words, when professional beer judges evaluate a winter beer, they go by vibes.

“For me it’s a cozy beer,” says Jess Hardie, the head brewer and co-founder of TPK Brewing Company. “Something you want to snuggle up with like a blanket.”

“Seasonal beers can range greatly,” says Lee Perry, the event director for the Portland Holiday Brew Fest. “It can be a real mix of whatever brewers are feeling.”

That being said, there are some common features that give a beer that wintertime feeling.

“For me a winter beer is a bigger, maltier, warm-you-up style of ale. They tend to be a little bit darker and a little less hoppy and higher in alcohol,” says Jake Elder, the brewer and co-founder of Lazy Days Brewing. 

For Elder, beers that focus less on hops and more on malt give him an opportunity to break out the spices and get creative with flavors beyond just hops.

Winter is when beers get loaded up with spices, however adding Christmastime spices and flavorings to beer isn’t some kind of craft brew innovation or cute novelty. According to Edler, adding flavor to beer with whatever brewers had available is a long tradition. A tradition that’s even older than adding hops to beer.

“Hops have been a relatively new phenomenon,” says Elder. “Relatively new” here means only a few centuries. Elder estimates that hops only go back about three or four hundred years. Prior to that, spice blends were more popular for adding bitterness or other flavors to brews. Elder specifically names nutmeg, allspice, and mace as common and longstanding flavorings to beer, all of which are popular in holiday brews to this day.

“Pretty much anything that was used in a spice rack was used in a beer,” says Elder. Maltier beers, says Elder, can taste unbalanced or unfinished on their own. Adding additional flavoring agents can round the beer out and make it more palatable. Darker, maltier wintertime beer provide a ready template for brewers who are ready to evoke wintertime feelings with whatever flavoring agents they have on hand.

Kora and Hardie go beyond the spice rack for their wintertime flavors. Kora adds palo santo wood to one of his porters to create a woody, aged flavor that he says “tastes like a thin mint.” He notes that it’s one of his more popular beers and he makes it available year round. Hardie will add ingredients like Belgian candi sugar, cinnamon, and Mexican cocoa to her beers to make them sweeter and more distinctive.

That being said, hops aren’t entirely absent from the holiday parties. Oregon’s favorite (or maybe most divisive) beer style, the IPA, still shows up plenty in the winter, and other hoppy beers make appearances at seasonal brew festivals. 

Hardie made a black rye IPA that she sees as a wintertime brew. “I would still consider that a winter beer because the rye was so forward,” she says. It clocked in at about 68 IBUs and 6.5% ABV, which Hardie puts on the lower end of the alcohol spectrum for holiday ales. But: “It still had that roasty-toasty flavor that I want in a winter beer,” Hardie says.

According to Elder, winter IPAs tend to lean on hops that give the beers what he calls “Christmas tree flavors”: Notes of spruce and pine needles can make a hoppy beer feel like a holiday one, and he calls out Sierra Nevada’s Celebration IPA as a good example of popular beer that gets its holiday flavors from hops rather than spices. It’s pine-forward and is marketed as a seasonal beer while also retaining the ever-salable identity of IPA.

Perry notes that several of the beers at the Portland Holiday Brew Fest are fresh hop IPAs. December is at the very tail end of the fresh hop season in Oregon, but it’s close enough that juicy, fruity IPAs can just barely be in season when snow begins to fall.

Winter beers also aren’t strictly limited to ales.

“Winter ales are a lot quicker to turn over and get into the market,” says Kora. Lagers generally take longer to brew. That means they also take more planning, take up space in a brewery for a longer period of time, and are more of a logistical issue for brewers. But Kora notes that it is possible to brew lagers like bocks and pilsners that include holiday flavors.

Kora also notes that lagers have a reputation for being not as flavorful, interesting, or high in alcohol as ales. But, he says, that’s a misconception. “Lagers can be just as formidable as ales,” he says. According to him, an enterprising brewer can create a lager that evokes holiday feelings just as much as a smoky, barrel-aged porter might.

Winter ales tend to stay drinkable long after the Christmas decorations have been packed up. Alcohol is a preservative and the higher ABV in a lot of seasonal brews means that the flavors can stick around even into the next holiday season and beyond.

“Winter ales age really well,” says Kora. He notes that as long as high ABV beers are kept at fifty degrees or lower they stay drinkable and can develop in interesting ways.

“Winter beers can change over time and age out really well. They can be really different beers in six months or so and become quite tasty.” Long after the holidays are over, a little bit of Christmas can linger on in your beer fridge, ready with holiday cheer any time of year.

Four  Festive Beers To Try

• The Spice is Right from Lazy Days Brewing: A 6.7% spiced chocolate porter with flavor notes that wouldn’t be out of place in a pumpkin pie or spiced eggnog. 

• Nightfall of Diamonds from Zoiglhaus and Ecliptic: This 7.6% imperial porter is a collaboration between two breweries, blending toffee and coffee flavors with orange and chocolate. It’s not marketed as a seasonal beer per se, but it tastes a lot like one of those chocolate oranges sold around the holidays.

• Yippee-KI-PA from Baerlic: A winter IPA based on everyone’s favorite Christmas action movie. This 7.2% seasonal offering is less about overwhelming bitterness and more about a rounded, roasty flavor that goes well with Christmas trees or exploding office buildings.

• Peregrin Palo Santo Porter from Montavilla Brew Works: A dark porter aged in Peruvian Palo Santo wood with hints of minty sweetness.

A roundup of the best holiday sweets and snacks for your festivities. by Martha Daghlian

Throughout centuries of human civilization, people have sought out ways to combat the darkness and cold temperatures of winter: from ancient temples that aligned with the rising solstice sun to the ceremonial burning of symbolic fir trees, we have devised many strategies to brighten up the longest season. But perhaps the best solution to the winter doldrums is to have a little treat? Cultures all around the world have invented their own special cookies, cakes, and sweets to be enjoyed at this time of year, and we’ve rounded up some of our faves that are available right here in Portland!

Fancy Cake Thinks it’s a Tree

Arguably the most iconic of Christmas desserts, the bûche de noël (or yule log) predates current “is it cake” fads by well over a century. Traditionally made with light sponge cake rolled around a rich filling and adorned with cute meringue mushrooms, this whimsical faux tree echoes the ancient Celtic tradition of burning a ceremonial log at Winter Solstice and really amps up the classic holiday aesthetic. Don’t have a spare 57 hours and a background in French pastry? Let the professionals at Pix Patisserie take care of all your bûche needs with one of their glossy high concept stumps, available to order through December. Pix Patisserie, 2225 E Burnside, pixpatisserie.com

Baklava URCU ATALAY TANKUT / GETTY IMAGES

Baklava Just Like
Grandma Used to Make

Within the Armenian-American side of my family, baklava—a buttery, syrupy nut-and-phyllo pastry popular across the Mediterranean, Central/West Asian, and North African regions—is a mandatory holiday treat. I grew up on my grandmother’s recipe, which calls for walnuts only (no pistachios, thank you), an entire pound of clarified butter, NO cinnamon (how dare you even suggest it!), and a sneaky splash of bourbon, presumably a modern twist added by grandma. But TBH, I haven’t met a baklava I didn’t love, and there are a few particularly strong ready-made contenders here in Portland: World Foods Market, with locations in the Pearl and on Barbur Boulevard, makes a few varieties of baklava and similar pastries, all of which are exquisite (even with pistachios). 

Sophisticated Citrus

It’s a serendipitous fact that winter is not only a season for feasting on rich foods, it’s also the time of year when bright, refreshing citrus is at its peak. Who doesn’t love a bowl of oranges at a holiday party? In addition to enjoying fresh citrus fruit straight up (my favorite is the dekopon or sumo mandarin), there are all sorts of fancy things you can make with the help of our zesty friends: fresh grapefruit mimosas, traditional pomander balls (that’s when you poke a ton of little holes in an orange and shove a whole dried clove in each one, creating a spicy little air freshener that also kind of looks like a medieval weapon as it slowly dries up throughout the winter), hot toddies with tons of lemon. If you really want to impress your friends, try making your own candied citrus peel—it’s like a grown up version of those fruit slice gummy candies! 

Candied Citrus Peel

Cut the peel from a bunch of citrus fruits (make sure not to include any of the white part!) into strips. Blanch them three times (that means placing them in a saucepan, covering with water, and boiling for five minutes, then you’ll drain and boil them for five more minutes in fresh water, then do the same thing one more time). Then, cover them with a 1:1 mixture of water and granulated sugar. Bring to a boil, then simmer for 40-60 minutes over low heat. They should become soft and a little translucent at the edges. Drain and place on a drying rack until cool (put some foil or parchment underneath to catch any drips). Once they are dry, you can toss them in sugar for a sparkly and crunchy coating.

Candied citrus peel makes a super classy garnish for fancy desserts, and can also be used in cake and muffin recipes. Or just snack on them in between all the cookies for a “healthy” treat—it’s fruit, isn’t it??

Sticky Sweets for Lunar New Year

Lunar New Year may still be a little ways off, but I’m already planning what I’ll bring to the annual party our friends throw to celebrate this traditional East Asian holiday. A lot of the foods associated with Lunar New Year celebrations symbolize some specific kind of luck that one might hope to attract in the coming months. Noodles, dumplings, fish, and citrus all connect in some way to ideas including longevity, wealth, and unity. But in my humble opinion, treats featuring sticky rice are the star of the show. This time around, I plan to visit Li Min Bakery at 81st and SE Division, and Shop Halo Halo on 50th and SE Woodstock, for traditional nian gao (sticky rice cakes) and moon cakes filled with sweet bean paste. Lin Min’s Bakery & Bistro, 8615 SE Division; Shop Halo Halo, 4981 SE Woodstock, STE 2, shophalohalo.com

Rugelach Nataly Hanin / Getty Images

Rad Rugelach

My first encounter with rugelach was at an elementary-school friend’s house, where her mom taught us to make this classic holiday cookie, originally dreamed up hundreds of years ago by Jewish bakers in Poland. Wait, is it a cookie? Or is it a pastry? You know what, I don’t care… all I know is it comes in lots of different flavors (Apricot! Raspberry! Chocolate!) and its twisty little crescent-moon shape really spices up a cookie plate. Like many delicious wintertime snacks, they do take a bit of effort to make at home, so if you’re short on time you might want to check out Henry Higgins Bagels, which contrary to their name, also serves up rugelach, babka, and challah on the regular. Henry Higgins Boiled Bagels, multiple locations, hhboiledbagels.com

Scandinavian-Style Snacks

If this list of festive treats still isn’t enough for you, mark your calendars for the 40th annual Scan Fair! This massive event, hosted by Nordic Northwest at the Oregon Convention Center December 7 and 8, is inspired by traditional Scandinavian Christmas markets. Think traditional singing and dancing, cozy knitwear, and tons of delicious sweets, snacks, and drinks–basically a massive party to brighten up the dark wintertime with some serious hygge. My most trusted Scandinavian treat advisor suggests loading up on Æbleskiver (little round pancakes, often served with lingonberry jam), pickled herring, and glögg (spiced wine punch). Scan Fair runs Dec. 7-8 at the Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE MLK Jr, get your tickets and find more info at nordicnorthwest.org/scanfair 

Nothing says “you’re cool” like the gift of vinyl. by Jenni Moore

The holidays are a great time to support your loved one’s passions (read: greatest obsessions) by splurging on vinyl copies of their favorite albums and cult classic soundtracks. Selected from my home record collection, my own Christmas list, and some that I’ve had fun wrapping up as gifts, here are eight vinyl releases that make great gifts for the holidays in 2024.

1. 
Cowboy Carter & Homecoming:
The Live Album, Beyoncé 

For a while, Beyoncé only made special edition cover versions of Cowboy Carter available for purchase—I have one such copy—but today you can buy the classic cover version with that iconic image of Bey as the blonde-haired rodeo queen holding the American flag on horseback at places like Target and Amazon. If the Beyoncé fan in your life isn’t the biggest fan of Cowboy Carter (for whatever stupid reason), consider splurging on Homecoming: The Live Album, so your loved one can enjoy the Queen’s world-stopping Coachella performance that sees her slay nearly two hours of back-to-back hits from her three-decade career—Destiny’s Child reunion included—even when the internet goes out. The Homecoming vinyl includes four LPs that are enclosed in double-sided artwork sleeves, and the box set also comes with a 52-page booklet featuring stunning album artwork, which alone is worth the purchase.

2.
Wicked: The Soundtrack

We have full-body chills from the sneak listen of “Defying Gravity” in the Wicked theatrical trailers. As someone whose musical theater beginnings were shaped by the original cast soundtrack, the fact that the movie roles of Elphaba (Cynthia Erivo) and Glinda (Ariana Grande) are being played by two megastar performers in their prime is comforting. Nearing EGOT status and only missing an Oscar, Cynthia Erivo is a stunning talent whether she’s slaying roles like Aretha Franklin, Harriet Tubman, or Celie in a Broadway revival of The Color Purple. And Ariana Grande has more than proven herself as a top tier vocalist—just watch her concert doc Excuse Me, I Love You for the receipts. These are two women who could sing the phonebook (do those still exist?) and make it Grammy worthy. I can’t wait to hear how the two interpret songs like “Popular,” “Defying Gravity,” and how their voices blend on those iconic Wicked harmonies. Sadly, we’ll have to wait for the second film (to be released in November 2025) to hear this cast’s versions of favorite tracks like ”Thank Goodness,” “As Long As You’re Mine,” and of course, the heartfelt duet finale “For Good.” Available exclusively at Target and dropping November 22, the same day the movie hits theaters, we already know the first volume of the Wicked soundtrack is worth buying for the musical theater kid in your life. (For the Wicked purest or skeptics of the new cast, consider acquiring a vinyl copy of the original cast recording featuring Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel.) 

3.
Merry Christmas, Mariah Carey

As far as Christmas albums go, you can’t lose with 1994’s classic Merry Christmas from Mariah Carey, which is basically synonymous with the period between Thanksgiving and Christmas. While “All I Want for Christmas Is You” tends to get a lot of the attention, there’s a reason MC’s album is one of the most acclaimed Christmas albums of all time; Mariah’s at her vocal peak on her renditions of songs like “O Holy Night,” “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home),” “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town,” and gospel tracks “Joy to the World,” and “Jesus (Oh What A Wonderful Child).”

Chappel Roan

4.
The Rise And Fall of a Midwest Princess, Chappell Roan

For the pop-loving progressivist and campy music fan in your life, get your hands on Chappell Roan’s debut, which clearly pulls aesthetic influences from the drag world, and sonic influences from 1980s synth-pop. The cinematic album depicts the artist’s journey of falling in queer love for the first time, and includes highlights like “Red Wine Supernova,” “Hot to Go!,” and “Pink Pony Club.”

5.
Self-Titled, Roman Norfleet and
Be Present Art Group

Driven by Roman Norfleet, improvised jazz and soul collective Be Present Art Group’s self-titled debut emerged from drum gatherings in Washington DC’s Malcolm X Park, which the album’s liner notes describe as “a pocket of freedom built on collective improvisation and shared rhythm.” In Portland, Norfleet assembled a collective of artists including Jacque Hammond and members of Brown Calculus to channel the spirit of those DC sessions. The group’s resulting earthy and spiritual self-titled album was released via Portland-to-Chicago label Mississippi Records in 2023. [Record label Mississippi Records is under the impression it lives in Chicago now, but the store and SPIRIT remain in Portland. -eds.]

6.
Songs in the Key of Life, Stevie Wonder

I was handed down a vintage copy of Stevie Wonder’s Songs in the Key of Life from my family’s record collection accumulated in the ’70s. The Grammy-winning Stevie classic is one of my favorites to bump around the house, especially while doing housework. Widely accepted as one of the best and most influential albums in history, Stevie’s 18th studio album embodies—if not invents—the concept of “no skips” with songs like “Love’s In Need of Love Today,” “Sir Duke,” “Village Ghetto Land,” “I Wish,” “Knocks Me Off My Feet,” “Ordinary Pain,” “Isn’t She Lovely,” “Joy Inside My Tears,” and “Black Man.” The subject matter feels as relevant as ever, with Stevie singing about evergreen topics like his childhood, first love, lost love, and poignantly tackling heavier topics like racial justice, and social justice for the poor and disenfranchised. 

7.
The Nightmare Before Christmas (Soundtrack)

I have a younger brother who was absolutely obsessed with The Nightmare Before Christmas growing up, and by proxy, I too came to love the creepy stop-motion film, especially the music. Whether you consider it a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie—I happen to believe it’s both—The Nightmare Before Christmas is a family-friendly cult classic, and the soundtrack is nostalgic, campy, moody, but most of all fun! The soundtrack can be enjoyed from October all the way to Christmas, bringing joy to its recipient with songs like “This Is Halloween,” “What’s This?,” “Making Christmas,” and “Jack’s Obsession.” 

MF Doom

8.
Mm..Food, MF Doom
(20th Anniversary Edition) 

For the MF Doom superfan in your life (we all have at least one), many a vinyl gift will do—from his studio debut album Operation: Doomsday to his epic collab with Madlib, Madvillainy. But this year is a particularly good time to gift the 2004 concept album Mm..Food, Doom’s fifth studio album with lyrics and song titles that reference different foods, as it celebrates its 20-year anniversary with a special edition vinyl release that comes with super cool new artwork that depicts a new take on the original illustrated cover, which features Doom sitting down to eat breakfast. On the updated cover, Doom is seen through a window, sitting down in the booth of a classic American diner.

A love letter to a less shiny city, and the teenagers, insomniacs,
and eccentrics who populated it. by Ben Coleman

It was December 25, 2013, and everyone in the gay steakhouse was getting amiably drunk.

It was one of those Portland winters that was cold and wet and absolutely miserable to be out in, and I had to work. But before that I was going to pre-spend my holiday pay on a fancy dinner—or at least the fanciest dinner I could afford working the graveyard shift for a bit more than minimum wage. Starky’s was what you’d affectionately call an “establishment.” It wasn’t a dive, but it was dive-adjacent: Formica tables, napkins for coasters, stately framed prints of drag queens and bodybuilders on the peach pink walls. In the summer they ran a raunchy charity car wash you could hear from blocks away. In the fall and spring, the iron-fenced patio always had a handful of elegant old swains sipping cocktails while they watched the world go by. In the winter they were open on Christmas Eve.

People who go to bars on major holidays often exist on the margins of society. Drunks, malcontents, lost souls estranged from religion or tradition, those who have no family or are burdened by what family they have. And folks who just can’t afford not to work. I didn’t take an inventory of my fellow travelers, but I’m sure there was the usual mix of those usual suspects, along with the clientele of a relaxed neighborhood gay bar: pretty Midwesterners with sad eyes, pairs of middle-aged husbands who didn’t want to cook, the aforementioned swains. Some were socializing like it was an office holiday party, others were lost in thought as we studied our mashed potatoes for clues to the human condition as freezing rain whipped against the windows. I’d like to say that “Fairytale of New York” came on the jukebox and we all got misty and sang along, but I suspect if anyone made a move to change the Britney Spears music video on the wall TV there’d have been a riot. But I still left feeling better about the world.

“Old Portland” is a moving target, but it’s not ephemeral. It began when you found somewhere in this city that welcomed you and ended when it was torn down to make way for a condo. Townies my age wax rhapsodic about all-ages music venues like La Luna and Meow Meow, about the Church of Elvis, the terrible service at The Roxy, stiff drinks at Club 21, late night LAN parties at Backspace. We like to talk about how you could smoke in bars, even though most of us have long since quit. But previous generations had their own haunts and hollows: jazz clubs and punk houses that lived and died and exist now only in memory. It’s not like they sold tickets to Old Portland and we’ve got the stubs in a shoebox somewhere.

What I suspect we’re all nostalgic for is the feeling, however subjective, that the margins of society were a bit wider, and more people could afford to exist in them. That Portland was not a precision machine. It had looser tolerances than today. There were poorly-optimized businesses in the service of teenagers, insomniacs, artists, and eccentrics, alongside the usual cadre of office workers and serious restaurateurs that all cities need to function. When those places went away they were rarely replaced. Willamette Week’s Aaron Mesh once wrote, “Every generation gets the ruining of Portland it deserves,” and it’s as true today as it was in 2015 when they tore down Starky’s to make way for the 46 modern apartment units that sit there now.

Cities change and culture shifts. Style moves from hard forms to soft, sarcasm makes way for sincerity, the rebels sell out and so on. But these cycles aren’t arbitrary. They are shaped by market forces and public policy. Coffee shops used to have couches so that people would hang out in them, fill those spaces with the sounds of awkward first dates and someone scribbling the first chapter of a terrible novel. Coffee shops aren’t soft anymore. They’re full of angular, industrial surfaces, because to make rent this month they need several hundred people to buy eight dollar macchiatos and fuck off somewhere else.

The Portland of today is shinier than the Portland of my youth. There are luxury retailers and well-moisturized influencers and futuristic cube houses with two-Cybertruck garages. Presumably this was done because the hippie granola markets and communist bookstores and neighborhood dives that were already here don’t pull the property taxes needed to fund a proper 21st Century metropolis. Our city fathers promised us prosperity if we’d only sacrifice a couple of eyesores on the altar of urban renewal and mixed-use development. It’s a bargain many willingly made, perhaps believing that for once in human history the rising tide would lift all boats. The bodies of the displaced lying in our streets seem to say otherwise.

Someday this city will be a vast and uniform sea of tasteful residential buildings named after the ugly and interesting places they replaced: the needle parks we walked past on the way to school, the cart pods where you could get a pretty good gyro, bars like Starky’s where neighbors gathered on holidays in defiance of the shitty weather. They’ll have large matte photos in the lobby of musicians who couldn’t afford to live there and gig work security guards to shoo away any indigents who get close to the property line. That’s progress, I suppose.

We miss Old Portland not because it was cheaper or somehow more authentic, but because of the people it once accommodated. We miss the sense of community that animated those old, demolished buildings, that warmed them in the way that only old buildings full of people talking can be warm. Every day we’re tested, and no more so than during the holidays, by how we welcome the strangers in our midst. I was a stranger once and found welcome in a neighborhood bar that’s not there anymore. I hope it can be found again somewhere new.

Everybody wants a good knife.
Here’s where to find the best in the land. by Andrea Damewood

For your favorite home chef or local line cook, a new knife is a thing of glory—and it’s even better when someone else pays for it. 

We’re here to assure you that—for the right person—the idea of giving someone 12 inches of highly sharpened carbon steel in a wrapped box isn’t a threat. It’s one of the best Christmas presents ever.

“I think a knife is a great gift,” Eytan Zias, who owns Portland Knife House on Southeast Belmont and is a co-founder of Portland’s Steelport Knife Company, which handcrafts its work in Northeast. “There are not many things you can gift to somebody that we all use every day. I don’t know anybody that goes a day without a kitchen knife. Even if someone is a knife collector, they always want another knife.”

But choosing the right knife for the right chef is a bit of an alchemy, which Zias says people often liken to how Harry Potter picks his wand. “I consider it a compliment,” he says, laughing. “We’ll filter 700 knives down to seven, and those are the ones you’ll put your hands on.”

With so many options out there, we asked the experts for their advice, honed over many years in the industry, on how to pick the best knife for yourself or a lucky recipient.

Ditch Your Shitty Wusthof

“Most people have Henckels, or worse, Ikea or Pampered Chef knives,” Zias says. “They’ve spent a lot of money, but they’re not actually good knives.” 

He believes you can find an inexpensive knife that outperforms those big names.

The key? Focus on function over flash, at least to start. Here’s what Zias says he asks shoppers to consider:

What kind of blade: Prioritize carbon steel for performance. It sharpens easily and holds an edge longer. If low-maintenance is a must, stainless steel is a good fallback. Zias says if the first question someone asks him is if they can put their knife in the dishwasher (the answer is NO), he quietly guides them to stainless steel.

Are you a righty or lefty?: Fun fact: there are knives that famous southpaw Ned Flanders could sell in his lefty shop. So try and peep which hand your beloved uses to chop. But if you don’t know, there are ambidextrous knives, Zias says.

Balance: The two dominant styles are Japanese and Western style. These days, Japanese knives are more popular, Zias says, but it really comes down to preference. “Two people will pick up the same knife and have completely different reactions,” Zias notes. The right balance reduces fatigue and feels like an extension of your hand.

Construction: Look for forged blades and full tang construction (the steel extends through the handle). These features increase durability and longevity.

How Many Knives Is Too Many?

For some people, there is no such thing as too many knives. But in case you’re not trying to go for the whole “guy who fills his house with lizards and blades” vibe, there are three basics to start any aspiring home cook off with, Zias says. 

First is an 8-inch chef knife, which he describes as the workhorse for 99 percent of tasks, from mincing herbs to slicing vegetables. Next is a paring knife, for intricate work like coring and peeling.

Finally, there’s a bread knife, which Zias says should only be used on bread, never tomatoes. Zias says the one Steelport makes is his personal fave. Ron Khormaei, the CEO and founder of Steelport Knife Co, unsurprisingly, says the same.

“Everybody else makes a serrated knife that’s terrible,” Khormaei says. “Our bread knife is the best bread knife in the world. You can’t describe it, you have to experience it.”

Khormaei says he even had a chance to put his engineering degree to work as they designed the serrated edge, landing on a 7 mm sine wave to optimize how it cuts through first crust, then a soft interior. (Brisket obsessives like to use bread knives for the same reason.)

This writer fell in love with the Steelport bread knife at the showroom recently. I hunkered down with a friend and sliced as many pieces of baguette as I could before it got weird. Steelport’s knives are expensive—the bread knife is $450—but it’s hand forged in Portland, given a gorgeous handle made from the burl of Oregon bigleaf maple and a tang that goes all the way through the handle. It has a coffee patina made with Coava beans. You can also get it sharpened for free, forever. It is truly the fancy-assest of presents.

“A knife is an amazing gift if it’s given to someone who truly shows caring about food,” Khormaei says. “It’s for people who don’t cook because they’re hungry, but because they show love to friends and family. You’re saying you value their passion and value their interest.”

Sidebar of Knives (MUAHAHAHAH)

There are a lot of damn knives out there. In order to avoid decision paralysis, here are a few options that Eytan Zias, owner of Portland Knife House and cofounder of Steelport Knife Company, recommends for holiday shoppers.

BEST BUDGET KNIFE

Tojiro Basic 8” chef knife

Price: $47

Blade: VG10 stainless steel. Made in Niigata, Japan. 

What makes it great: “I cannot think of a better value in the kitchen knife world. It’s very rare to find a Japanese-made professional quality knife under $50.”

THE KNIFE THE KNIFE
GUY WOULD GIFT

Sakai Takayuki 33 Layer Hammered-
Damascus 7” santoku

Price: $150

Blade: VG10 stainless steel. Made in Seki, Japan. 

What makes it great: “A little flashy looking for some, but it looks unique, performs well, and is user friendly. It’s a favorite for both professional and home cooks alike.”

FOR THOSE WHO
HAVE EVERYTHING

STEELPORT Knife Co 10” serrated bread knife 

Price: $450

Blade: Drop-forged 52100 carbon steel with a bigleaf maple burl handle. Made in Portland.

What makes it great: “It’s rare to find a bread knife with this steel quality and level of detail, and is a favorite among serious bread bakers and BBQ guys. (It also got a shout out from The New York Times food section.) It’s also Portland-made, using all US-sourced materials.”

BEST SPLURGE

Nigara Hamono 9.5” Ginsan Damascus ebony handle chef knife

Price: $525

Blade: Ginsan Damascus. Made in Hirosaki, Japan. 

What makes it great: “It’s my favorite example of a Japanese forged handmade knife that we have in the shop.”

I’m permanently estranged from my family.
Here’s what cats and dogs have taught me. by Lindsay Costello

From etymonline.com: estrange (v.) late 15c., from French estrangier “to alienate,” from Vulgar Latin *extraneare “to treat as a stranger,” from Latin extraneus “foreign, from without” (see strange). 

I am strange, I am alien, I am a stranger, I am without. Or maybe my family is. It’s difficult to say. Since 2019, I’ve been estranged from my entire family. I won’t bore (or titillate) you with the details of my decision to distance myself from them, but visualize a constellation of generational traumas—nearly every type represented—and you’ll have a general idea. Estrangement is, as the literature says, a last resort. It’s the truth. I never wanted this, but now I’m freer for it.

On most days, the peace of estrangement is one of the most powerful presences in my life. But during the chaotic final months of the year, it begins to feel like a gargantuan gaping wound that anyone—friends, coworkers, baristas—might spot if I’m not careful. People tend to flip out, or at least stare a little, when they see a gargantuan gaping wound. 

So I don’t discuss it. I listen intently as those around me describe their family’s political beliefs and their dad’s rude comments and their brother’s whatever-what-have-you and I share little in response. I frown. I say, “Ugh, that sucks.” And I do mean it.

My experience always feels different, though. For one thing, my calendar is suspiciously open during the holidays. This serves an interesting and unexpected purpose: As those around me saddle up for travel, family dinners, and gift exchanges, I’m available for pet sitting. The texts roll in.

Yes, I sometimes feel a knee-jerk sting when this happens, in the way that we all have those insidious automatic thoughts that have squished around in our brains for years or decades. You know the ones. Therapists and Instagram graphics attempt to unpack them with counter-thoughts: I am worthy. I am enough. And so on. But those few tenacious thoughts remain. The neurons fire and wire. Mine are:

I don’t have a family. Everyone else does, except me.

When I type that out, there is no resentment, just layers of sadness buried in a cavity that my partner Jeremy and my cat Spaghetti still can’t fill. Intellectually, I know these thoughts aren’t true. Many people are estranged from their families, and I do have a “chosen family”—I have Jeremy! Spaghetti! A small circle of friends! But without any biological family members in my life, there’s still a sharp loneliness, pointed and pronounced, that never goes away. The edges of it become crisper during the holidays. 

Back to the petsitting, though. Over time, I’ve noticed that the animals I form bonds with might also have something to teach me about navigating estrangement. (For the record, I’m not a mental health professional. But stay with me here.)

My first Christmas pet sitting charge was Fiddle, a large and docile orange man whose primordial pouch swayed like a porch swing as he strode aimlessly across the house. From Fiddle, I gleaned the first of many lessons on connection and self-preservation.

1. Don’t google your parents. (Or your sister, or your ex, or whoever it is you’ve made a concerted effort to get away from.) 

a. Animals can’t google, especially sweet, simple-minded angels like Fiddle. This one is a no-brainer. Googling your parents, who will, undoubtedly, still have no internet presence, is the quickest ticket to a night-long spiral. Plus, there are few things on this planet more depressing than searching online for your deadbeat dad’s handyman business. Don’t do it.

Then came Frank, a dapple dachshund with dark eyes and ears that flapped out like soft wings when he flopped over on his back in the living room. Frank is a snuggly dog who asks that one hand be petting him at all times. He also likes to wake with the sunrise.

2. Make your own rituals and stick to them with dogged (ugh) determination.

a. One year, curled up in a pit of sadness, I asked an estrangement-related subreddit for advice on what to do during the holidays. I feel for you, elderberry42289, some kind soul wrote. I recommend finding a routine and sticking to that for your sanity. Also, could you come up with something cool to do every holiday season? Something all your own?

b. This message was reaffirmed by Frank, who sticks to his rituals and appreciates all the sensory pleasures life has to offer. If Frank were a human, I think he would take himself to the movies and a fancy dinner every Christmas day.

Before I met Dorothy, I thought I’d experienced the full spectrum of anger, marinating in all the emotion had to offer. This was not true. Dorothy’s capacity for disdain topped anything I’d ever felt before. She is a one-eared cat who hisses at nothing—the television, my hand in a bag of chips, the sky. She is also dark and slinky, making her contemptuous behavior seem kind of cool.

3. Go outside. 

a. I knew better than to argue with Dorothy, who insisted upon patrolling the outside world despite hostile forces like coyotes and cars in the neighborhood. And so out she went, and came back, still intact (minus the missing ear). 

b. Unfortunately, the news is true. Going for a walk (or even, like, to the mailbox) helps when those insidious automatic thoughts start to conspire against you. Just do it, you’ll be fine.

Here’s a lesson I’ve taken from every pet I’ve cared for:

4. Eat whatever the fuck you want. 

a. You’re (probably) not a licensed nutritionist, you’re someone with family trauma who is attempting to navigate the holiday season. Eating whatever, whenever, is clearly what dogs dream of. You are not a dog. You are an adult with some funds and a ride to Safeway. Act accordingly.

And finally,

5. Make sure that you aren’t alone. Alternate strategy: believe that you’re not alone.

In a season that emphasizes togetherness and companionship, I am one person musing on the tiny universes of cats and dogs. Maybe these reflections seem a little trite, even pathetic. But I don’t think that they are. 

The entire objective of pet sitting is to care for small guys who cannot care for themselves. Central to that relationship is an applicable truth: When I am experiencing something emotionally traumatic, I can treat myself with special attention, too. 

Sometimes that means asking for help or camaraderie. But maybe I am not in the mood to be social. Maybe I’m having a Dorothy day. That’s fine—because even when I’m isolated and furious and sad, I’m not alone. Not really. Embedded in that core belief is every creature that’s trusted me.

Spend time NOT talking to family with our preview
of the holidays’ most-hyped new releases. by Dom Sinacola

Holidays are usually meant for time with family, which is obviously why so many people elect to go to the movies on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thanks to theaters being open, you now have a ready-made excuse to avoid talking to loved ones for a solid two hours. 

From St. Johns Twin Cinemas to Regal Division Street, every corner of Portland is thriving with film love, be it a first-run chain or local rep theater. So, to gird thy loins for the upcoming high holy days, I’ve assembled a preview of the movies you can see in theaters on Thanksgiving and/or Christmas day when conversation runs as dry as an overcooked bird. 

Thanksgiving (November 28)

Red One

Following the box office shrug that was 2022’s Black Adam, The Rock optimistically reported from the set of Red One that his new blockbuster, co-starring Chris Evans and JK Simmons (as muscle daddy Santa Claus), is a “big, fun, action packed [sic] and fresh new take on Christmas Lore [sic].” After The Rock’s supposed chronic lateness and “unprofessional” on-set behavior helped push Red One to late 2024, this “new take” on the late-December holiday will finally see the overcast light of mid-November. Apparently, when Santa Claus is kidnapped, the head of North Pole security, Callum Drift (Rock), must join forces with world-class bounty hunter (come on now) Jack O’Malley (Evans, seemingly running on fumes), to save Kris Kringle. Whatever. I have no doubt this movie will be excrement, struck with surprisingly upsetting violence splayed against the most conservative values you can carve from a $250 million budget. This comes out on November 15; will it still be in theaters on Thanksgiving? Let’s hope not.

Gladiator II

If you’ve seen Ridley Scott’s Napoleon, you know that the octogenarian director cannot be bothered by such woke trappings of cinematic culture as “historical accuracy” or “consistent accents.” Instead, Scott trades obsession for the spectacle of history; he’s in thrall more to the bloom of organs erupting from cannonball wounds than allegiance to facts most audiences wouldn’t know anyway. 

That energy will carry into Gladiator II, Scott’s sequel to his 2000 original, which will surely be a stupendously gory feast for IMAX screens. Arms all veined up, Paul Mescal is New Gladiator, the fate of Rome on his shoulders for some reason, with Denzel Washington clearly having a blast playing an ancient weapons dealer. Finally able to put a career’s worth of ideas onto the screen, Scott’s never been more prolific, and never less beholden to anyone than himself. Respect. 

Wicked Part One

The first half of an adaptation of the musical—as well as of the 1995 novel on which the musical’s based and the Wizard of Oz writings of Frank L. Baum—Wicked has a runtime of two hours and 40 minutes. More like Wicked Long Movie [pats self on back]. Growing to the width of the Garfield balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, Ariana Grande’s dinner plate eyes will ultimately occlude all other light. Suddenly, lifetimes will pass in the dark of that theater. You will wake in another epoch, another land, and you will discover there is still a second movie to sit through.

Moana 2

The November of The Rock continues with the last IP he hasn’t stripmined of all goodwill. That’s right, Rockheads, Maui, the beefy demigod from Moana, is back for the sequel. Originally developed as an animated series, Moana 2 went theatrical eight months ago when Bob Iger announced the series had been reconfigured following a revamping of the producing and directing teams—for solely artistic reasons, I’m sure. Rarely are reports like this a good sign, usually accompanied by accounts of animators enduring hellish work conditions or presaging a movie that feels functionally incomplete. Still, I can’t imagine families not defaulting to this Thanksgiving weekend. Will our thumb-headed megastar once again drop a People’s Elbow on the box office? I sincerely do not care.

Christmas (December 25)

The Brutalist 

Brady Corbet’s gushed-over saga about architect László Toth (Adrien Brody) has the accolades (garnering Corbet the Silver Lion at the Venice Film Festival), distribution deal (A24), and runtime (215 minutes) to make it the year’s biggest small release. Couple this with Corbet and cinematographer Lol Crawley shooting in Vistavision—a process that can make 35mm film look as huge as 70mm in the theater just by running the stock through the camera sideways—and expect to see this engorged on the swollest screens in town. It’s so intentionally and obviously epic, you’d be forgiven for assuming architect László Toth is a real person. The magic of cinema!

Babygirl

I was going to make a joke about Halina Reijn’s Babygirl being the perfect choice for families wanting to watch a horny movie together on Christmas, but looking into the film’s reception at the Toronto International Film Festival, I find critics saying that Nicole Kidman’s performance as a repressed CEO who forms a sub-dom bond with an intern (Harris Dickinson) is a brave and reflexive exploration of her career and aging physicality. So I will be similarly brave and refrain from making that joke.

Nosferatu

A young foil to Ridley Scott and his disregard for the exigencies of time, Robert Eggers is a horror filmmaker who makes macabre period pieces—The Witch, The Lighthouse, The Northman—that are so thoroughly researched they feel like stolen visions, like sights from the past that we have no right to witness. With Nosferatu, he seems to be pulling from F.W. Murnau’s 1922 silent film as much as from Werner Herzog’s 1979 remake and Bram Stoker’s 1897 Dracula novel, filtering his hyper-literate taste through a century of German expressionism. 

A Complete Unknown

James Mangold responds to Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story—a satire responding to the pestilence of Oscar-bait biopics birthed by Mangold’s Walk the Line—by making an even more by-the-numbers take on an iconic musician. This time it’s Bob Dylan, given approximate life by Timothée Chalamet. A Complete Unknown will almost certainly hinge on Dylan going electric at the 1965 Newport Folk Festival, giving him the opportunity to reminisce about what led up to this all-culminating cultural moment. Its financial returns will be optimistic, its award season obligatory. So it is foretold.

Better Man

While we’re on the subject of biopics: Better Man is about the life of UK pop idol Robbie Williams… only he’s a CGI chimpanzee and no one else in the movie acknowledges he’s a CGI chimpanzee. I hesitate to call this conceit so stupid it may be genius, but I won’t hesitate to recommend it, because we both know it will be [my eyes glaze over and soul noticeably disappears from my body] bananas.

In Portland even our airport presents are thoughtful, lovely, and local. by Suzette Smith

At 10 pm on Christmas Eve you could generally find my father at an office supply store; the chains used to stay open late (for corporate reasons) even on holidays. The next morning we’d pull thick squares of Post-it notes out of our holiday socks and know it was from Dad, even if he’d signed it “P. A. Perclip.”

Last minute gift buying is a fine tradition. Some may see the practice as thoughtless; I would argue it can be rooted in sweetness. After all, a last minute present is still a present. And now that flying has made it increasingly difficult to travel with gifts—airline luggage charges, unrelenting TSA clerks—you may as well just grab that stuff when you arrive, if you happen to be flying into Portland. 

Visitors may not know that our airport requires shops to maintain “street pricing,” so you won’t pay more for goods at PDX than you would in town.

If you’re flying out, you’re still sitting pretty—provided they’ll let you on the plane with ten boozy advent calendars sticking precariously out of a Powell’s tote. 

Portland airport has seen to it that even last minute presents from PDX are—by nature of the shops onhand—thoughtful, lovely, and local.

Pre-security

No one is suggesting you make a trip to the airport just to shop—well, other than the Port of Portland; they would probably support the idea—but those arriving at PDX have their pick of both concourse and “the garden” shops. 

In keeping with our love of last minute office supplies, you’ll want to check out Paper Epiphanies, which packs an impressive variety of journals, art books, design periodicals, and a rainbow wall of markers (!) into a cute corner shop. The woman-owned business specializes in femme-empowerment messages, so you’ll find trendy books about feminist philosophy, art, and activism. On a practical level, this shop also has an entire wall of greeting cards. Pro tip: Want to hear more from someone who lives far away? A stationary set is a sweet incentive.

Paper Epiphanies suzette smith

Orox Leather is an epicenter of cool in this area. Not only does it sell handmade leather goods ($250 purse for when you’ve really pissed someone off; $10 leather coasters for the uncle who wants you to put one under your drink), but the people behind Orox also invited their fellow Latinx and Oaxaqueño makers from the Portland area to sell items there as well. So you can get dreamy little half-pints of Nico’s Ice Cream from a freezer in the back, and sampler packs of HAB hot sauce from shelves in the front. It’s about community, but it also appears to be about having amazing taste.

Just next door, you’ll find the delicious and vegan AND gluten-free goodies of Missionary Chocolates. They have a lot on offer, but we’ll vouch for the chocolate-covered sandwich cookies. Further in, the deeply basic, but super crowd-pleasing Hello from Portland store carries THE THING YOU NEED when basically any Portland-y / Oregon-y present will do. A “Keep Portland Weird” mug it is.

Concourses B and C

Post-security shops have an obvious advantage because whatever you pick up after TSA’s disrobe/re-robe challenge doesn’t have to meet its dogmatic restrictions. That means booze! 

The GENIUSES at Straightaway Cocktails have created a craft cocktail advent calendar that has seemingly no attachment to any particular religion or any assigned set of dates. It’s just a nicely designed box with 12 mystery doors, and behind each is an alcoholic drink in a can. This is the present very good adult siblings give one another to weather the hard times of visiting family. If it helps, it’s of a similar size and shape to an oversize Bible (wink). Straightaway already has these little masterpieces available at their kiosk.

Cocktail advent calendar straightaway cocktails

Concourse C has a lot going for it because it’s also where you’ll find the PDX Powell’s Books pop-up. The selection has nothing on City of Books, but there’s always some interesting titles selected by staff, showcases of local authors, whatever nonfiction book everyone is mad about, a variety of card games, and the new Stephen King in stock.

Now, your gate dictates what concourse you’re flying from, so some concourse options simply won’t be available, depending what side you’re on. However, if your mother sternly warned you “not to come home again without a Pendleton wool blanket”—they have booths in both C or on the way to D and E. Similarly, Westward Whiskey also put down roots on either side of security (C & E).

Concourses D and E

Stronghold of cute, local, and punk Tender Loving Empire manifested two locations as well, in both D and E, on the same side of security. TLE has a long history of reliably solid care packages, tailored to foodies, self-care softies, and even people who just like Jacobsen Sea Salt. They’ve got a basket for it, and if they don’t, they can make you one.

While I am in no way related to Smith Tea founder Steven Smith, I do frequently receive his company’s tea as a gag gift, and I love that. Please continue this very funny joke, because the tea is a little on the spendy side. The full-leaf flavors are perfect for splurges and special occasions, though, and the company always has interesting collabs in the works. This fall, they brought back a Westward Whiskey team up, Ode to Whiskey, where black tea is aged in wet whiskey barrels to convey tasting notes/vibes—it’s perfect for your moody, lettered cousin.

That’s your winter gift gauntlet handled! We hope this list helped; it’s not really just for the holidays, because there are plenty more times throughout the year when you’ll want to take along a gift to say, “I’m sorry I didn’t get a hotel,” or “so it turns out we both have the same dad.” Life can be messy, but a last minute present is still a present.

Or, what to say when Aunt Barbara insults your Thanksgiving gravy. by Courtenay Hameister

Back in the olden times, I used to host a public radio show that recorded in front of a live audience. In December of 2011, we decided to do a segment about how to survive the holidays with your family. We brought on Shelley McLendon, a therapist who is also a brilliant comedian and friend, along with my funny, tiny, holiday-elf-like mother to do a little experiment. 

We set up a table where I could make my mom’s famous chocolate peanut butter balls with my mother on one side of me and Shelley on the other. At one point, when my mother was telling me how to make the peanut butter mixture into balls (something I’d been doing myself for years and KNEW HOW TO DO BECAUSE DUH), I asked Shelley what we could say to family members who won’t allow us to create our own versions of family traditions. 

Shelley replied with an oft-repeated phrase among the show staff in the ensuing years: “Isn’t it great that there are so many different ways to do things?” 

The audience laughed. I repeated the phrase to my mother. 

“Y’know what I was just thinking, mom? That it’s really great that there are so many ways to do things.” 

“There are,” my mother replied. “There’s the right way and the wrong way.” 

The audience went feral on me, laughing and whooping for so long that all I could do was stand onstage as the peanut butter ball in my palm turned into a sticky puddle. My mother had roasted me like a Thanksgiving turkey on my own goddamn show and I still bear the emotional scars. 

Most people don’t have PTSD about their mother scorched-earthing them in front of 600 people during the holidays, but many, many different emotional issues can come up during the season. 

Whatever you’re going through, I spoke to two Portland therapists who specialize in family dynamics to procure some holiday coping mechanisms to help get us all through. 

One psychologist I spoke to was Wayne Scott, MA, LCSW, a marriage and family therapist. 

The first thing we talked about was how we deal with emotional triggers in interpersonal environments. Most of us don’t feel provoked because we think others are going to physically hurt us, we’re afraid they’re going to say or do something that will make us feel awkward, angry, embarrassed, or ostracized. Essentially, unsafe. 

That anxious feeling you get? It’s called a threat response. 

The Holiday Threat Response,
Illustrated

Imagine you’re stirring the gravy on Thanksgiving day and your aunt Barbara approaches you, lit Virginia Slim in hand. 

“Oh. You’re cooking the gravy?” she asks. 

“Yeah,” you reply. “I thought I’d try it this year. Ina Garten has this recipe that looked so delic—“

“—you chose THANKSGIVING to try a new gravy recipe,” she responds. “What were you thinking? You have a house full of people!” 

And you go and hyperventilate in the pantry. Why can family immediately make us feel this way? 

I’ve heard one reason I tend to believe. Our family knows how to push our buttons because they installed them. 

But knowing why we’re upset isn’t as important as knowing how to deal with it.

I asked Wayne Scott what he thought about this. 

“That’s your autonomic nervous system,” he said. “It’s programmed to respond reactively the moment we feel we’re being threatened in any way—emotionally or physically—so we can’t control it. Unless we train it.” 

Scott suggests that before the holidays, to think about what activates our threat responses and create strategies to avoid them before they happen. 

Just a few of his ideas: 

Ask for what you need: In this case, you could send an email to the family letting them know you’re trying something new this year and it might not turn out perfectly, but the holidays are really about togetherness, so they should support you in your freakin’ gravy journey, BARBARA. 

Another great way to get family members on board is to ask for their help/ideas in integrating new traditions ahead of time. If you include them in the conversation, they’re much more likely to buy in.

Neutralize the threat: One thing that tends to catch aggressive people off guard is to call them on their aggression. Something like, “Wow, Barb. That made me feel like crawling into a little ball under the sink. What was your intention with that comment?”

Or, if addressing the problem overtly causes you to feel more triggered, Scott suggests trying self-talk. 

“Something like, ‘There goes [Barb] again, invalidating my reality,’” he suggests. “Or simply exiting the conversation or even going outside to do some deep breathing.” 

Don’t engage in the first place: Of course it’s difficult, but there’s also the choice not to go at all. If the discomfort outweighs the joy for you, it may be time to simply bow out or—a slightly less nuclear option—to give family members a time parameter like, “I have another party to attend at six, so I can only stay for a couple hours.” This serves the purpose of setting healthy boundaries with your family and making it appear you’re more popular than you actually are.

When you choose to disengage

The last two options were also suggested by Joan Laguzza, LCSW, a mental health therapist who works with many folks who are estranged from their families and are now used to spending the holidays on their own. She suggests that in the same way people prepare themselves mentally to be with problematic family members, people should prepare themselves when they’re going to be on their own. You don’t want the holidays to sneak up on you without a plan. Just a few ideas Laguzza suggests: 

Create distractions: The holidays are often about community—family, friends, church. So lean on yours. 

“Go out in the world and be in community with other people,” she says. “Volunteer. Plan a ‘Friendsgiving.’ Arrange for a call with a friend or family member.”

Don’t have a community? Be a good friend to yourself and make a plan so you don’t have downtime to marinate in a family-sized tub of Comparison Sauce. Comparison is truly the thief of joy and there is no time of year that we compare our lives to others’ more than the holidays. So don’t give yourself the opportunity to ruminate. 

“Go see a movie, go to a restaurant you love, read a book,” Laguzza suggests. 

Stay the hell off social media: This is good advice for everyone, all the time, but especially during the holidays. Countless studies show that we are made more anxious, more lonely, and more depressed after a trip down a Meta rabbit hole, no matter the time of year. But during the holidays, we’re more aware than ever of what our family looks like because we compare it to every movie, holiday special, and Fred Meyer ad that tells us the holidays are all about “togetherness.” So your friends and family will only post photos that mirror those depictions.

The only media depiction of a holiday that’s gotten close to reality for many of us was “Fishes,” the Christmas episode of The Bear that included a terrifyingly chaotic kitchen, flying forks at the dinner table, and an emotionally vampiric, drunken mother accidentally driving her car through her own house.* There’s no way, after that Christmas, the Berzatto family posted pics of a fork in Uncle Lee’s forehead or Donna with smashed drywall all over her rich Corinthian leather seats. 

“Social media is totally unreliable,” Laguzza says. “When there’s an estrangement, each person develops an inaccurate narrative about what’s going on in the other person’s life. Social media just feeds that narrative.” 

Two apps that are great for blocking social media sites are Freedom and Opal. They make a great holiday gift!

Plan to honor those who aren’t around: While making your holiday plans, consider a way to pay tribute to those family members you’re estranged from. Whether they’re not speaking to you or you’ve chosen to take some space from them, you can still honor the affection you once had for them and may again. 

“If your estranged mother loves dahlias, put some on the table Thanksgiving day,” Laguzza suggests. “If you’re with a sibling, you can plan to make your mother’s pumpkin pie together, or play a piece of music that meant something to her—have a thought for her and silently wish her some good cheer for the holiday.” 

This sounded counterintuitive and even difficult when she first suggested it. Still, it ultimately reminded me of a beautiful quote that’s often (but wrongly) attributed to the Buddha that a friend once quoted at just the right time: “In the end, only three things matter: how much I loved, how gently I lived, and how gracefully I let go of the things not meant for me.” I can’t think of a better way to spend a few holiday moments than by offering some grace and forgiveness to friends or family members we’re struggling to continue to love.

Finally, making the holidays
actually bright

Whether you’re spending time with family or without, beware of holding too tightly to traditions. Or at the very least, attempt to parse out which traditions you love, and which you’re struggling to keep because you’re trying to meet other people’s expectations. Traditions can be a strange trap, because they’re what makes the holidays joyful and nostalgic, but they can also cause tension. 

“Holiday traditions always imply that you have money,” Scott suggests. “The tree, the food, the gift extravaganza. But we don’t bring that up because, like politics, there’s this agreement that we don’t talk about this thing that is very visibly in the room.”

As you’re navigating these waters—trying to turn the holidays into a season that doesn’t stress the fuck out of you and empty your bank account—remember the reason people get defensive when you try to make new traditions.

“They’ve studied the human threat response, and one of the biggest threats is the threat of not belonging,” Scott says. “The holidays, to get down to the meat of it, are about feeling connected in the world. Feeling like you’ve got some mooring. Like you have people who have got your back.”

So tread lightly, but know that you shouldn’t have to compromise your own mental health to make other people happy. 

And remember that, if you’re a person being driven nuts by the fact that you have all this activity and all these people swirling around you during the holidays, you may have friends being driven nuts by the fact that they don’t. So if you know someone you feel could use the company, invite them over for the holiday. They’ll probably say no, but it makes a huge difference to know that you actually have a place you could go if you wanted to. A huge difference to feel wanted. To feel like you belong. 

Happy holidays. 

*For the record, my mother is neither emotionally vampiric nor drunken, but she did actually drive her car through the back wall of her garage once. I attribute it more to the famously bad “Hameister Sense of Direction” than anything else. I think she just saw it as the most direct route to the backyard.

A witch, an artist, and two mental health
professionals on how to face the New Year. by HR Smith

The days are short, the rain is acting like someone put out a casting call for a vertical river, and odds are high that you will soon be eating starchy food with people who will be asking you what it is, exactly, that you’ve been doing with your life.

One way of dealing with this long dark night of the soul is to lean into it. What are you doing, exactly? What’s working? What isn’t working? Once the holiday presents are gotten and the festivities are over, what would you like to start doing, what would you like to stop doing, and how? 

These questions are big enough that entire categories of human philosophy and endeavor have been dedicated to answering them. To keep things simple, the Mercury decided to ask representatives of three of them: the arts, psychology, and witchcraft. 

How to End Something
That Isn’t Working

Being miserable is, by definition, not a fun experience. But it can be a very useful signal that it’s time to try something else. “I’m pathologically incapable of doing a job I don’t like,” says Sarah “Shay” Mirk, graphic novelist, former Mercury reporter, and creator of many projects—most recently Crucial Comix, a small press that publishes narrative nonfiction comics and offers classes on comics-making. ”If a project is filling me with dread and I hate doing it, that’s a sign that I should either get out and have somebody else do it, or just be like, never again.” 

Once you’ve accepted that you need to get out of something, it’s a good strategy to frame it as moving towards something good rather than getting the hell away from something bad, says Marie Soller, a psychiatrist and director of OHSU’s resident and faculty wellness program. In general, you’re more likely to trust a decision and follow through with it if you can, say, visualize yourself taking that time you spent trying to make a relationship work, and dedicating it to putting on ridiculous outfits and going out with friends instead.

Some sadness is going to be part of the deal. Feel free to lean into big rainy season feelings. “Anything that’s new has to start from something that has ended,” says Annette Smith, a licensed professional counselor whose practice focuses on people going through major life transitions. A lot of people can get really stuck in the transition phase following a big change when things stop feeling exciting and start to feel weird. Giving yourself time to grieve, says Smith, can help get through that. 

Therapy is a tool that’s useful for the nuts and bolts of life, says Michelle Tea, writer and author of Modern Magic: Stories, Rituals, and Spells for Contemporary Witches. “I love therapy, and therapy can be so helpful—to be witnessed and validated and get outside eyes on patterns and things that you can’t see.” Tea recommends witchcraft as a therapy supplement. “It’s more esoteric. If you’ve had a rough therapy session, it can feel very grounding to just remind yourself that you’re also a little animal on this earth, connected to the larger forces.” 

The world is full of long, witchy tradition, but Tea recommends a punk, DIY approach instead of trying to be fussy and precise—think of something that feels like an ending and do it. “Rituals that have a lot of tradition can be really powerful, because they have all that compounded energy of so many people taking this action,” says Tea. “But I also feel like those rituals were just started by a regular person like you.”

How to Start Something New

“It’s very easy to be, like, ‘I’m excited about this’,” says Shay Mirk. “One way that I try to actually get stuff done is by making projects collaborative. If I’m responsible to somebody else, I’m way more likely to do something.” 

Annette Smith agrees that trying something new is easier when you aren’t trying to do it in isolation—and recommends you have a variety of people in your life who can support you and who you can be accountable to. This can be tough, she adds. But don’t do it, and you wind up dumping on one or two people.

Marie Soller recommends drawing a classic pro/con quadrant—basically, a big plus sign with the pros and cons of each side of a decision—when you’re making a decision, and then focusing on the “pros” of the decision you choose. Keeping a list of your five most important values can also be a useful tool, Soller says. When you hit a rough patch, you can, for example, return to it so that present-self can see that past-self wrote down “adventure” as a value, and that is definitely what you’re having.

“I like to write down my intentions,” says Tea, sounding very therapist-like. “Whether you’re letting go of something, or whether you’re beginning something.” From there, you can seal it up and leave it somewhere that you’ll see it and be reminded. “Your bedside table is great, because it is a place that you see all the time. I feel like sleep is a really magical time when we’re processing things on a deeper level of subconscious.”

The joke about New Year’s resolutions is that nobody keeps them, says Tea. But there’s something to moments like these. “I feel like you can sort of channel that collective energy of optimism and fresh start and get a little jump on something that you’re wanting to change,” Tea adds. The more “woo” aspects of a whole new year are only an asset under these circumstances. “For me, magic is that we don’t know what we are, we don’t know what this planet is, we don’t know anything,” adds Tea. “Staying in touch with that mystery is actually quite grounding and also liberating.”

The best traditional events—and how they can be improved.
You’re welcome. by Wm. Steven Humphrey

When it comes to holiday traditions, Portland is horny as all get-out.

We love cramming as much festivity into our festivities as possible—regardless of how tiresome or long-in-the-tooth those annual events have become. What follows is a critical examination of Portland’s most time-honored holiday events, and my recommendations on how they can be improved. (Don’t remember asking me for my opinion? Trust me, it’s never necessary… I have so many! In fact, when it comes to opinions, many people think I’m “full of it.” And there’s a lot more where those came from, so let’s read some now!)

PEACOCK LANE eliza sohn

Description: Peacock Lane is a four-block stretch in Southeast Portland between Stark and Belmont, where many of the home owners go to great lengths to cram every inch of their property with lights and other Jesus and Santa-themed ephemera. During the holiday season the street is jam-packed with thousands of looky-loos on foot and in cars.

The problem: I don’t get it. I mean, I get why the residents do it… you can tell they’ve worked their collective asses off constructing these front lawn art installations, and some (for example, the Grinch house) are goddamn masterpieces. But it’s like if the Portland Art Museum was suddenly filled with thousands of people—including their dogs, snot-nosed kids, and wildly inappropriate double strollers—half of whom are either stoned out of their gourds or 10 seconds away from a rage-fueled meltdown. In short, there are… Too. Many. People!

The solution: A zip line. It’s a well accepted fact that zip lines improve most situations. Sure, they’re useful for getting from one side of a canyon to another, or traversing a tree canopy in Guatemala, but they can be just as useful in an urban environment! Las Vegas is famous for having a zip line that goes from one end of the historic Fremont Street to the other, and it’s a FANTASTIC way to see the sights quickly, efficiently, and to let your vomit rain down upon spandex-wearing moms who did not get the memo that it’s FUCKING RUDE to bring their double strollers to a place where thousands of people are trying to walk. Also if you happen to be high—and SO MANY OF YOU ARE—riding a zip line is AH-MAY-ZING, and will stop you from blocking the sidewalk whenever you slip into an extended Christmas light-induced trance. Trust me, install a zip line over Peacock Lane, charge $15 a ride, and the city’s budget will be funded for lifetimes.

Peacock Lane, between SE Stark & Belmont, Dec 15-31, car-free nights Dec 15 & 16, 6 pm-11 pm, free, keep your fucking double strollers at home

WINTER WONDERLAND:
HOLIDAY LIGHTS AT PORTLAND INTERNATIONAL RACEWAY Sunshine division

Description: Roughly two miles of racetrack decorated with various illuminated and animated holiday figures, including reindeer, snowboarding Santas, dinosaurs, all 12 days of Christmas, a lone menorah, and much more.

The problem: Well, the most obvious problem is that you can’t race. You creep around the track behind a long line of vehicles at around 10 mph—but actually that’s kind of nice, because you seriously do not want to miss the animated dinosaurs. All in all, it’s great… it just needs a couple more levels of excitement, which leads me to….

The solution: First, you could pay teenagers to dress up like the Terminator, wrap them in holiday lights, and have them chase the cars on foot. (I doubt you’d even have to pay them.) OR you could do what I’ve done every season for the past 10 years, which is LET YOUR CHILDREN DRIVE THE CAR! The moment I pay admission and enter the track, I say, “Okay… who’s driving?” The first five minutes are taken up by backseat fistfights to see who gets to drive first. Once that’s decided, they hop behind the steering wheel. Obviously if their feet can’t reach the pedals, you should let them sit in your lap—but under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you EVER touch the steering wheel… because where’s the fun in that? They have to learn to drive somehow, and if that means occasionally careening off the track and into one of the 10 lords a’leaping (for his life), then so be it. The best part? There’s not a cop in sight. That’s a true “winter wonderland!”

Portland International Raceway, 1940 N Victory Blvd, Nov 29-Dec 31, Mon-Thurs 5 pm-10 pm, Fri-Sun 4:30 pm-11 pm, $49 per carload

THE 33rd ANNUAL TUBA
CHRISTMAS CONCERT K. Marie

Description: More than 200 tubas take to Pioneer Square to play an array of oompah-rific Christmas songs.

The problem: There is not a single problem with this.

The solution: Look, hearing 200 tubas blaring “Sleigh Ride” across the city is hard to beat. But anything can be improved, right? For example, what if all these tubas were playing “Holly Jolly Christmas,” when suddenly, marching up Sixth Avenue were 200 people playing Christmas songs on what’s known as the tuba’s natural enemy… the saxophone? Ooooooh, tuba players HATE saxophonists, and for good reason. They tend to be morally repugnant individuals who throw their dog’s poop bags into your recycling bin, and regularly destroy any decent song with their ceaseless and unasked-for squawking (take David Bowie’s “Young Americans” for example). Anyway, the 200 saxophonists would call the 200 tubaists into the street for a “Christmas song smack-down” to settle once and for all which is the superior instrument. (We all know it’s the tuba, but there’s no convincing these detestable saxophoneys.) The winners would continue the Pioneer Square concert, as the losers marched to the Morrison Bridge to throw their instruments into the murky depths of the Willamette—never to play again! It’s called “raising the stakes”—and there’s simply not enough of that at Christmas time.

Tuba Christmas Concert, Pioneer Courthouse Square, Sat Dec 21, 1:30 pm, free

THE HOLIDAY EXPRESS Anthony keo / oregon rail heritage center

Description: The Holiday Express is a vintage (TOOT! TOOOOOOT!) 1912 Polson #2 steam locomotive that transports kids and families from the Oregon Rail Heritage Center—porn for train nerds—and along the Willamette River for roughly a couple miles until returning to its starting point. Each train car is heated and decorated in lights and holiday finery, and… at some point… Santa shows up!

The problem: Mmmmm… other than Santa showing up, it’s kinda boring? (Unless you’re a train nerd, but you’re going to be too busy asking endless, arcane locomotive questions to the conductor—whose soul will leave their body—to be concerned about Santa.)

The solution: Can we PLEASE get a gang of cowboys on horses to rob this muthafukkin’ TRAIN?? Bear with me, and picture it: The holiday train is chugga-chugga-choo-chooin’ and toot-toot-tootin’ down the track without a care in the world… UNTIL. 

Out of the Oaks Bottom wetlands come a gang of ruthless, horse-riding villains who gallop down the bike path before hopping on the train, kicking the door open, and barking, “Git yer hands up, varmints!” Screams ring out from the train car as some passengers faint, and a couple of foolhardy “heroes” get a pistol butt to the noggin for their trouble. The bandits steal wallets, watches, necklaces, and other precious family heirlooms, cackling maniacally… UNTIL. 

A loud bump is heard on the roof, and seconds later, a window smashes as SANTA CLAUS comes bursting into the car! Slowly rising to his feet, Santa strikes a pose and says, “Looks like somebody’s getting added to the naughty list!” And with a mighty swing of his red bag, Santa bowls over three of the villains, delivers a sharp uppercut to another, and sends a fifth tumbling off the train with a vicious kick to the scrabble bag… UNTIL.

The ringleader grabs a crying child, puts a six-shooter to its little head, and growls, “One more step, Santy Claus, and I’ll send this li’l pecker-wood to the pearly gates!” A pause, as everyone in the train car holds their breath, tears streaming down the child’s face, and where the only sound is the repetitive clack-clack-clack of the train’s wheels. 

Slowly, Santa drops his bag, and says, “Well, Desperado Dan”—a stupid name for a stupid criminal—”I guess this is my last… STOP!” Santa yanks the “stop requested” cord hanging from the window, sending the train screeching to an ear-piercing halt, as Desperado Dan stumbles and falls, dropping both child and pistol. Santa quickly pulls the kid to safety, and with a devastating right hook, sends the villain into a coma, from which he will never awaken. The children and adults cheer as Santa throws the unconscious body from the train before turning to ask, “Now who here has a hankerin’ for a candy cane?” The train’s occupants rejoice, and for the first time since the debut of the Holiday Express, it was a train ride—and a Christmas—to remember.

Holiday Express, Oregon Rail Heritage Center, 2250 SE Water, Nov 29-January 4, various times, $25-$105, tickets and info 

PBOT’s maintenance woes aren’t just a problem for people who travel by car. by Taylor Griggs

In the bike-friendly cities of Northern Europe, a phrase is sometimes used to lightly chastise those who are intimidated to cycle in the rain: “You’re not made of sugar.” That is, you can get a little wet—you won’t melt. 

But not all rainy cities are created equal. The “sugar” sentiment is easier applied in places like the Netherlands and Denmark, where people on bikes dominate the streets all year long, even in the cold, wet months. The bike capitals of the world, many of which are hardly tropical paradises, were purposefully designed to treat people traveling outside of cars as worthy of quality amenities. And a lot of that comes down to the state of the pavement. 

Here in Portland, our streets—including the bike lanes—could (surprise!) use some work. The Portland Bureau of Transportation (PBOT) has a roughly $6 billion maintenance backlog, mainly consisting of unmet pavement needs on busy and local streets, which has failed to be adequately tempered by funding sources like the gas tax. And as Portland’s street maintenance needs have become more apparent, gripes about PBOT’s priorities have gotten louder. 

“There are potholes everywhere, and PBOT wants to build a new bike lane?” is the common refrain from armchair urban economists. It’s a talking point that’s parroted by people who should know better, too. One example: A questionnaire to 2024 City Council candidates written by reporters at the Oregonian and OPB asks people to decide whether to prioritize “creation of more protected bike lanes and priority bus lanes or improved surfacing of existing degraded driving lanes.” 

The implication contained in this false dichotomy is that protected bike lanes and priority bus lanes—and the people who use them—are frivolous compared to the potholes car drivers have to deal with. But even stranger is the implication that people who bike, walk, or use public transit aren’t impacted by the city’s street maintenance problems. In fact, those who get around without a car often face the brunt of PBOT’s maintenance backlog woes, especially during the winter. 

Take the ubiquitous bike lane puddles. These puddles proliferate during the late fall and early winter, after most of the autumn leaves are off the trees and clogging up the gutters. Unfortunate topography and storm drain placement has resulted in some puddles that remain landmarks on Portland’s streets all winter, like the notorious “Lake Blumenauer” on the north side of the car-free Blumenauer Bridge across I-84. 

These puddles might not seem like a big deal, but believe me when I tell you that riding through one of them can temporarily make you question your will to live. Fenders and rain pants can only do so much to protect you from six inches of grimy water and whatever might be floating in it. 

Then there’s the gravel. After major winter weather events, like the ice storm early this year, PBOT spreads gravel and road salt on the roadways so vehicle traffic can get by. That’s fine, but after the ice melts, tiny pebbles end up piled in the bike lanes, creating treacherous conditions for riders, and they often stay there for weeks or months. 

I can give the city some grace: PBOT has $6 billion of maintenance work on its hands, so it makes sense that some needs fall to the wayside. This would be a more acceptable situation to me if the proliferating narrative wasn’t that bike riders are preventing the city from getting its basic maintenance work done. 

The truth is that bike advocates are some of the most dedicated street maintenance wonks in the game, often taking the responsibility of keeping the streets clean into their own hands. After January’s ice storm, members of bike advocacy group BikeLoud PDX took to the streets with a bike lane-size sweeper, picking up an impressive amount of gravel in the process.

Bike lane street sweeper. Nic cota

More recently, PBOT has said it will purchase a sweeper for protected bike lanes, as larger street sweepers are too big to do the job. This is a good step, but the sheer novelty of it indicates how far behind we are from some of our international bike city peers. 

So, no—we’re not made of sugar, and Portland’s rainy and cold winter weather is not necessarily prohibitive to mass adoption of biking as transportation. But we have quite a bit of work to do to get to where we need to go. However, though the road ahead is lined with gravel, we are armed with volunteer street sweepers.

The Portland Diamond Project wants tobring pro baseball to Portland—but will it get the love and money needed to survive? by Abe Asher

The Portland Diamond Project has been working to bring a Major League Baseball team to the Rose City for the better part of six years—taking meetings, selling merchandise, and, most importantly, trying to secure a site to build a new stadium. 

Now, however, things may be changing. In September, the group announced it had signed a letter of intent to purchase Zidell Yards—a 33-acre former shipyard that has long sat vacant on the South Waterfront. 

It is, in a number of ways, an ideal site. Zidell Yards is relatively centrally located, has strong transit connections to the rest of the city and beyond, and could become the nexus of a larger redevelopment of the south end of the city center. 

In a press release announcing the letter of intent, Mayor Ted Wheeler said he believes the project is moving in the right direction. 

“This is a big moment for Portland,” Wheeler said. “This is a tremendous opportunity to shape our waterfront, create new economic opportunities, and build a vibrant and sustainable neighborhood.”

It’s not just Wheeler who is optimistic—the outgoing Portland City Council voted unanimously in favor of a resolution supporting the Portland Diamond Project’s efforts to land a team. Wheeler said the resolution signaled the city is “ready to make commitments.”

Per its agreement with ZRZ Real Estate, a Zidell family business, Portland Diamond Project now has 42 months to complete its purchase of the property. That likely means it has just three-and-a-half years to convince Major League Baseball that it should expand to Portland—and, in tandem, to convince Portland that it needs an MLB team. 

For baseball fans in Portland, it’s an easy sell. But for Portlanders wondering how the project may affect the city as a whole, it may be more complicated. Part of the reason why is that—Wheeler’s optimistic vision notwithstanding—professional sports teams rarely have the kind of impact we imagine. 

“The basic story here is the economic impact of professional sports—or big events, like the Olympics—tend to be pretty small,” said Victor Matheson, a professor of economics at The College of the Holy Cross. “Which isn’t a problem, unless you’re talking about major public investment.”

In the past, the push to bring baseball to Portland has included significant public investment. In 2002, when the city was attempting to lure the relocating Montreal Expos to the northwest, the state legislature passed a bill to allocate $150 million to stadium construction—which was, at the time, estimated to be nearly half of the total construction cost. 

But that money was never used—the Expos moved to Washington, D.C.—and it’s unclear at this point how much public financing the Portland baseball group might seek. While Portland Diamond Project officials declined a request for an interview for this story, the group’s founder and president Craig Cheek wrote in an email to the Mercury that the group hopes to update the public on the state of the project soon. 

For sports economists like Matheson, the question of whether it’s worth supporting the movement to bring an MLB team to Portland rests almost entirely on how much public money is involved. 

“I’m fully in favor of Major League Baseball coming to Portland, while being simultaneously fully opposed to any sort of significant public funding for the sort of stadium infrastructure you’d need to host a Major League Baseball team,” Matheson said. “That pretty much sums up the basic opinion of any economist who has looked at the economic impact of sports in general.”

There are a number of reasons why sports don’t have the kind of economic impact their boosters and allied politicians often predict they’ll have. 

For one, much of the money spent in and around sports venues comes as part of what economists call the substitution effect: it’s not additional money that is being spent at a stadium, but rather money that would otherwise be spent elsewhere in the city. 

In Portland, that could mean that some of the people currently spending money at Providence Park or the Moda Center, or at concerts or restaurants, might spend that money at a baseball stadium instead. Baseball’s effect on the city’s broader economic landscape, in that scenario, would be negligible. 

“Sports are pretty good at shifting around money, they’re just not great at increasing total economic activity,” Matheson said. 

Another issue with professional sports is that often a significant amount of the money spent on teams doesn’t stay in the city it’s spent in. Money spent on player salaries, for instance, may end up leaving Portland. 

Taken as a whole, the economic data cuts against several elements of the Portland Diamond Project’s vision—including pledges to “create good jobs and new economic opportunities” and “provide a catalyst for workforce housing around the ballpark.”

Of course, the impact of sports on a city cannot be fully measured in terms of their direct economic impact. Sports are also wellsprings of feeling, helping to create bonds between people and contributing to a city’s quality of life. 

Economists, undaunted, have also attempted to measure the affective value of professional sports teams by asking people what dollar value they place on having a team in their town. Those studies have generally found that while the “quality of life” value of teams to residents is worth tens of millions of dollars, it’s still often worth less than the amount those teams are subsidized. 

The question of subsidies for professional sports teams is made even more complicated by the fact that Major League Baseball owners are necessarily incredibly wealthy and that the league is an incredibly lucrative operation—raking in more than $11 billion in revenue last year. 

Now, with the league reportedly considering expansion to 32 teams, Portland could potentially help it extend that record number further. Though the city has popular basketball and soccer teams, it remains one of the largest metro areas in the country with teams in just one of the traditional big four sports leagues—the NFL, MLB, NBA, and NHL.

A team in Portland would also be a natural rival of the Seattle Mariners, who long ago proved the viability of baseball in the Northwest. Matheson said he thinks baseball would succeed in Portland, even if the on-field odds would be stacked against what would be a small market team in a league with effectively no salary cap restrictions. 

Jules Boykoff, a professor of political science at Pacific University, said Portlanders should have an opportunity to weigh in directly on whether they want to see MLB in their city. 

“I think there’d be one surefire way of finding out, which would be to have a public referendum — especially if the owners, who are wealthy… wish to have any public money put towards the project,” Boykoff said. “I think it would be job number one to make sure that it arrives on the ballot.”

Boykoff said he’d be happy to see baseball in the city, but that, unlike social goods like housing, it cannot be construed as something Portland needs.

“Portland needs Major League Baseball much less than Major League Baseball needs Portland,” Boykoff said. “I think Portland’s reputation is doing just fine without a baseball team.”

With new digs and funding, a local nonprofit is helping queer and trans residents find safety, and a path off the streets. by Anna Del Savio

In October, Portland’s first day center for unhoused queer and trans people opened in Southeast.

The Marie Equi Center’s new Brooklyn neighborhood day shelter is intended to welcome visitors “just coming in to regulate their nervous systems in the space and hang out, or to get connected to our peer services,” center director Katie Cox said.

“We say that we’re a really LGBTQ-affirming city and space, but the services and the infrastructure have needed more support,” Cox said. The new funding, which comes from Metro’s Supportive Housing Services tax revenue via Multnomah County, “feels like folks putting their money where their mouth is,” Cox added.

Peer support and community health workers are on-site to offer basic wound care, emotional support, recovery mentoring, health education, referrals, and assistance navigating social service systems. But the 13,000-square-foot Trans & Queer Service Center also has space for visitors to come in off the street to simply sit and decompress. 

For many unhoused people, “you don’t have a safe place to be during the day where you actually feel welcome and your whole nervous system has a chance to relax and just be,” Equi program director Madeline Adams said. “So much of what we do as humans to heal or to overcome what we’ve been through requires, as a baseline, an environment… where we can come back to a semblance of having all of our faculties.”

A large room at the front of the building hosts community events that run the gamut from karaoke nights to crash courses on budgeting and cleaning for newly housed folks. 

Smaller rooms are used for one-on-one meetings with community health workers who provide emotional assistance, harm reduction, basic first aid, recovery support, health education, help navigating over services and systems, and gender-affirming referrals. 

“That can look a lot of different ways, but the goal of it is to walk alongside folks, to help them address barriers as they come up and access the resources and supports that they need,” Cox said.

Before the move—which also came with a name change from Institute to Center—the Marie Equi Institute primarily offered services out of an office in the Q Center on North Mississippi Avenue.

Scarlet Meadows first came to the Q Center two years ago for the free food pantry, but found her way into the Equi Institute’s office.

The institute’s peer support workers “helped me out a lot emotionally with the stress of being a new mom as well as being part of the queer community,” Meadows said. “There were days where I went there just to be, because it was a safe space.” Meadows ended up in Portland when their housing plans fell apart en route from Kentucky. From the Equi Center mentors, Meadows found spiritual and emotional support, and help navigating bureaucracy like Medicaid enrollment. 

“Sometimes I would go there specifically to make a phone call, just to have that support and someone who knows what questions to ask,” Meadows said.

Meadows hadn’t sought out peer services before coming to the Equi Center.

“I was still dealing with a lot of trauma and kind of stuck in my own head about certain things,” Meadows said. 

Peer health workers at Equi “move at the speed of trust,” Adams said. Rather than jumping right into tasks, workers have to build relationships with their houseless clients before those clients will open up about their needs. The bigger space allows staff to connect with visitors who need more time before opening up to a peer worker. 

When Adams was houseless, one of the hardest parts was that “people just couldn’t comprehend what I was dealing with or why I wasn’t housed,” she said. “It was always just so awkward and you could tell that people didn’t want to hear. The last thing you want to do in that situation is to ask for what you need, because by the time you reach someone that’s going to say yes, you’ve already learned that it’s not really safe to be asking.”

A decade of Marie Equi

The Marie Equi Institute was founded a decade ago, named for “Doc” Marie Equi, a lesbian doctor and activist working in Oregon in the early 1900s (and the namesake of the local lesbian bar Doc Marie’s). The institute was created to provide queer and trans-specific primary care, right after Oregon Medicaid started covering gender-affirming care. Many of the Equi Institute’s clients came to the organization after fleeing other areas of the country where there wasn’t access to gender-affirming care, Cox said.

Center director Katie Cox Anna Del Savio

The center has seen a growing number of visitors who came to Portland to escape anti-LGBTQ legislation and violence in other states.

When the pandemic hit, the institute had just hit pause and started to reassess operations after their clinical director took medical leave.

The institute joined the C(3)PO coalition, which created three outdoor tent camps for homeless Portlanders early in the pandemic. Starting in sheds in the C(3)PO villages, the Equi Institute built up a community health program working “at the intersection of homelessness and public health,” Cox said. 

Last fall, the Multnomah County Board of Commissioners approved $3 million in funding for day shelters, including $830,000 to the Equi Institute, in preparation for Portland’s public camping ordinance taking effect. But the institute didn’t get the contract from the Joint Office of Homeless Services until March. The funds had to be spent by the end of June, leaving just a few months for the center to find a new location and use up the money. 

The institute signed a lease in June and got to work on renovations with Gensler, an architecture firm that also led the renovation of the Rose Haven day center. 

The building has showers, laundry services, a gymnasium, food pantry, kitchenette, computer lab, reading nook, and art space. 

Cox said staff are working on plans to use the gym as an overnight shelter during severe weather.

“We know this is going to be a big learning curve for us, having our own building,” Cox said.

Thanks in-part to the SHS funding, the Marie Equi Center has doubled in size to 15 staff, including a new peer services coordinator and a center operations coordinator. The center ended up spending $752,000 from JOHS last fiscal year and was awarded $857,000 for the current fiscal year.

A Homelessness Response Action Plan finalized by the city and county earlier this year specifically calls for more culturally-specific services, including the creation of a shelter for LGBTQIA2S+ adults.

Existing culturally-specific providers like the Marie Equi Center “know what their communities need, are doing what their communities need, and just need that funding piece and support from their partners in government to be able to make that happen or do more of it,” JOHS equity manager Emily Nelson said.

Part of a continuum

Cox wanted to add a housing navigator to the center’s expanded team, but the Joint Office didn’t award enough funding to cover that position in the current fiscal year. 

“As we expand day services and expand shelter, we have to make sure that we have ways to connect folks to permanent housing through day services and shelter,” Nelson said.

Cox said the center’s peer workers struggle to connect clients with housing services that are safe and affirming for queer and trans people. 

One of the hardest parts of the work “is the heartbreak of knowing exactly what people need and deserve and not being able to get that to those people in a real way,” Adams said.

Transgender houseless people are less likely to find shelter. Nearly 54 percent of transgender houseless people are unsheltered, compared to 39 percent of cisgender houseless people, according to the National Alliance to End Homelessness. 

The new day center won’t only serve people while they’re living on the streets or in a shelter. Trans and queer people face disproportionate discrimination in housing, both in affordable housing and market-rate rentals, so support is needed for newly housed people.

“If it’s not the rental company discriminating against you, it could be other people in the building, and then your new home is starting to feel very unsafe,” Cox said. Having a queer or trans peer who can offer support in navigating those challenges “increases the likelihood that folks are going to be able to stay housed,” they said.

“As people navigate the transition from being unhoused to being housed, they often feel like they lose their community of folks that they were living with unsheltered,” Cox said. “The more we can start to bridge those gaps early on and create that community building, the more successful we’ll be at keeping people housed.”

For more information, visit www.marieequi.center. 

Christmas came early for these city bureaus and agencies. Let’s see what ‘Taxpayer Santa’ brought them! by Courtney Vaughn

What you do with your money is nobody’s business, but what the government does with your money is everyone’s business. 

At a time of year when parents across the nation get suckered into splurging on pricey, short-lived toys (sorry, but your kid is never gonna learn to play that keyboard and there’s a good chance that Easy-Bake Oven will burn your house down), we set out to see which public agencies and city bureaus received the biggest, coolest, and most expensive toys—thanks to you and your tax dollars. 

While these agencies may have been blessed with many of the toys on their wish lists, we know austerity measures are coming. The Portland mayor’s office recently offered a budget preview that reveals city bureaus will likely need to cut another 5 percent from their budgets in the upcoming fiscal year. If that sounds like a bone dry way of explaining the city’s money sitch, imagine if you already had to cancel all your streaming services and lower your grocery bill last year, and now you have to cut even more expenses, to the point where you’re considering canceling your internet service and just stealing the shoddy WiFi signal from that coffee shop down the street.

And though the government shopping sprees may be coming to an end for now, let’s take stock of some big-ticket toys, tools, and trucks that taxpayers recently bought for our public agencies. Show this to your kids to explain why “Santa” had to scale back this year.

Courtesy PPB Portland Police Bureau

Body cameras

What they are: small video cameras roughly the size of a credit card that clip onto officers’ uniforms. In December 2023, Portland City Council authorized police to spend up to $10 million on body-worn cameras over the next five years. The end-of-year purchase was a bit of an impulse buy. The council approved the expense in an effort to save the bureau $1.5 million by approving a contract with camera manufacturer Axon before the new year. This feels like the equivalent of springing for a new washer and dryer during a Presidents Day sale because the deal is too good to pass up. 

Estimated cost: $10 million

Courtesy PPB Portland Police Bureau

Drones

What they are: small, aerial cameras also known as unmanned aircraft systems, which record video and images from the vantage point of a bird or an insect buzzing above your head. PPB started using drones in 2023 as part of a pilot program. This year, the City Council coughed up nearly $100,000 for the bureau to buy more devices. Police mainly use them to help get images at major crime and crash scenes. 

The bureau says the high-flying cameras allow officers to “monitor critical incidents from a distance, assist with search and rescue, and provide evidence of crimes.” Recently, PPB has deployed drones at crisis scenes involving uncooperative, potentially dangerous subjects, to try to peer into windows or gain a view of other hard-to-reach spaces. Police swear they’re not using drones for any type of facial recognition efforts. 

Estimated cost: $166,000

Portland Police Bureau

Crowd control weapons; armor

What it is: tear gas, riot shields, and impact munitions. Earlier this year, the Portland Police Bureau revived its crowd control specialists, formerly called the Rapid Response Team. Crowd control officers responded to large-scale protests over the spring at Portland State University and now, the bureau is preparing for demonstrations and potentially violent protests following the November election. The city didn’t skimp on PPB’s shopping budget, authorizing $1.1 million for the purchase of 100 shields; 350 tear gas canisters; 350 kinetic impact projectiles; 300 impact munitions with chemical irritants; 100 flash-bang incendiary devices, and munitions training. 

Note: Since they’re spending your tax money, all of these weapons will be used on you, dear readers… which gives new meaning to the phrase, “You get what you ask for.”

Estimated cost: $1.1 million

TriMet

Articulated transit bus,
AKA “bendy bus”

What it is: a long, 60-person public transit bus with an accordion-like middle section, allowing the long bus to maneuver around tight roads while carrying more passengers. The buses are diesel-powered and allow TriMet to expand capacity on select, highly-used routes. Frequent service and more seats = more fentanyl traces, baby!

Estimated cost: $935,000

Courtesy Portland Fire & Rescue Portland Fire & Rescue

Tractor-drawn aerial truck

What it is: a big-ass fire engine with superpowers. Tractor-drawn aerial trucks give firefighters extra maneuverability and include an aerial ladder for reaching tall and tight spaces. They also have independent rear steering, so the trailer attached to the truck can be angled even when the cab isn’t. These behemoths typically range in length from 55 to 65 feet. 

Estimated cost: $1.7 million

Portland Bureau of Transportation

Street sweeper

What it is: A heavy-duty truck that sweeps and vacuums. The latest street sweeper purchase by PBOT was a 2023 Elgin Eagle. The model boasts a conveyor that won’t jam, a variable height lift system and a high-capacity dump feature (paging Sir Mix-a-Lot!) As the manufacturer notes, the Eagle sweeper can maintain highway speeds and ensures “dumping is a breeze.”

Estimated cost: $424,500 

Courtesy PBOT Portland Water Bureau

Snow plow 

What it is: A SnowDogg plow attachment for heavy-duty trucks that can scoop snow and debris off roads. You probably thought PBOT was the only bureau to come to our rescue during a snowstorm. Not so! The Water Bureau is also responsible for keeping roads clear during crummy weather, while responding to water main breaks and other crises. The Water Bureau recently bought two plow attachments and even opted for discontinued 2019 models to save some dough. The latest purchases weren’t meant for general use around the city. Instead they’re mostly meant to secure watersheds, clear access paths to the Water Bureau’s own facilities, and other bureau-specific responses—but still, it never hurts to have more of these puppies available during the next snowpocalypse.

Estimated cost: $5,600

Follow us down memory lane for the best and worst trash of 2024! by Elinor Jones

Happy Holidays, Trash Pandas! ‘Tis I, Elinor Jones, AKA the Ghost of Trash Past, here to guide you through 2024—a year that I could best describe as “a year that happened.”

January 8 

I hate to break it to us, but despite anyone’s resolutions, this is probably not going to be a year when anybody becomes better. You know how in professional sports, when a bunch of the big names have retired or left and then it’s just rookies and no-names, they call it a “Rebuilding Year”? 2024 will be the opposite of that for us. A destroying year. All of us are going to get worse, it’s just a matter of how quickly, and how much. 

February 12

I am all about the monoculture and I love to love things, but I am so tired of football and Taylor Swift! No more brain space; I simply cannot. I mean look: Am I glad she made it to the game in time after her Tokyo shows? Yes. Do I think this was a challenge or hardship for her when she has her own airplane and team of professionals to ensure it happens comfortably and efficiently? No. Am I impressed that her lipstick always looks so damn good? Yes. Did I like her pants? No, I hated them. Do I think it’s hilarious that Republicans hate Taylor Swift so much that they’d rather root for the team out of San Francisco than the corn-fed midwestern one? Yes, a thousand times yes, this is incredible, put it in my veins. Will I listen to her new album? OBVIOUSLY. But that’s it! No more thoughts!!

April 1 

The world has gone country, and by that I mean we have all been listening to Beyoncé’s latest album Cowboy Carter all weekend. I’m a fan! Several years ago I found a pair of those magical thrift store cowboy boots that somehow both fit perfectly and are extremely cool, and I always knew there was a reason to hang on to them. I’m excited to plan an outfit to wear to her next concert that probably won’t come anywhere near Portland anyway. A girl can dream. That’s country. 

April 15 

[Regarding a possible Monopoly movie.] “What’s next, Checkers? Jenga? You wanna make a Jenga movie? What, fuckin’ CONNECT FOUR?” And I will stop you right there, because that one works. Four is the correct number for a collection of people. It’s the best table in a restaurant—no pulling up an extra chair for some poor schmuck to sit at one end. Four is the maximum number of heads that will fit into a photobooth picture. Four is how many adults fit comfortably in a car. So let’s talk about this Connect Four movie: I am seeing three friends realize that something is missing and they desperately seek a fourth, but they keep being blocked by outside forces, until finally, one day, through either meticulous planning or pure dumb luck, the pieces line up just so, and they find their fourth friend, thus creating a powerful block which shall emerge victorious! “But Elinor,” you say. “Is this not the plot of the 1990s supernatural teen thriller THE CRAFT?” To which I say: “DING FUCKING DING.” A Connect Four movie already exists, it stars Fairuza Balk and Neve Campbell, and it’s perfect!

May 13 

First Lady Jill Biden stopped in Portland last week to attend a quick fundraiser in Lake Oswego. Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler was there, and later told the press “it’s nice to see the First Lady supporting our city and taking an interest in what we do here.” Buddy! She wasn’t even in our city! Was there nowhere decent in Portland proper for her to glad-hand wealthy Democrats? You know, I almost think she was trying to keep away from the riffraff by going to Lake Oswego, and that is especially not “what we do here.” In Portland, riffraff is the name of the game!

May 20 

Rudy Giuliani somehow (and for days) evaded Arizona officials trying to serve him an indictment for his (alleged) 2020 election crimes. I could use a lot of words to describe Rudy Giuliani, but “indiscreet” and “stealthy” are definitely not among them. I feel like one could locate Rudy Giuliani using whatever magic makes a cartoon mouse float towards cheese, but the wafting odor is a mix of cigars, cologne, and farts. Alas, the man was found, and at his own 80th birthday party. Giuliani even shared an absolutely psychotic Amazon wish list of the stuff he wanted, which included “stain blocking ceiling paint.” That Giuliani worries about his ceiling getting dirty really captures the explosive gooeyness of this chapter in his life.

June 10

Sabrina Carpenter released a fun and steamy video for her new single “Please Please Please” which features boyfriend Barry Keoghan. These two are giving the sultry slutty young relaysh vibes they were trying to sell us with Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney last year. I could never fully get behind those two because they look like they were generated by an AI prompt of “hot white heteros.” Barry and Sabrina are hot too, but also interesting, sexy, a little dangerous, and maybe kinda mean? Like Glen and Sydney would break your heart by ghosting you, but they’d never tell anyone else your secrets, whereas Barry and Sabrina would get a tattoo of your name and then try to run over you with their car.

June 17 

The AtmosFEAR ride at Oak’s Park got stuck upside down last week, leaving some 30 people stuck upside down for 25 minutes. Roller coaster-avoiders like me will get YEARS of excuses out of this. It’s not that we’re scared; it’s that we’re smart. (We’re also very scared.)

July 8 

Gwyneth Paltrow held a party at her home in the Hamptons and somebody got diarrhea. I’m sorry, not just diarrhea—"catastrophic” diarrhea, which is a pretty horrifying combination of words! The diarrhea was allegedly caused by Ozempic, which all the stars are taking, so think about this the next time you see a star-studded red carpet: know that the bathrooms at that event are a grade-A paint show, and you’re lucky you’re not there.

July 15

Iconic sex therapist Dr. Ruth passed away last week at the age of 96. There was not a major event she couldn’t make into a reason to get laid, and it’s really a shame she died before this attempted assassination of Donald Trump; she would have made it so horny. 

August 5

I am loving the Olympics! God, the amount of pride I feel for the US Olympics Team is overwhelming; borderline ew, like am I becoming a flag girlie? Seeing tacky bedazzled Republicans at the RNC a couple weeks ago made me want to hurl, but throw some gemstones on a leotard and I am in line. I’ve been especially tickled by the vibes of the shooting competitors despite hating guns with every fiber of my being. The gun lobby might be appealing to the wrong instincts in trying to garner support. I mean, has the NRA ever considered simply serving cunt? 

August 26

Republican Vice Presidential candidate JD Vance is trying to prove he’s not weird and failing spectacularly. He recently stopped by a donut shop where the workers didn’t want to be on camera and ordered “whatever makes sense,” for which he has been mercilessly mocked. And look, I get it: When JD Vance orders “whatever makes sense” it sounds like a robot prepping for his first day of human school. That said, I do think this makes sense! I like the idea of ordering “~items~.” Put “whatever makes sense” on the late-night menu at a bar and I guarantee you it will go gangbusters. Sometimes you’ll get a vat of french fries and a pitcher of beer. Other times you’ll get a Sprite and two ibuprofen. Credit where credit is due—this couch-fucker might be on to something! 

September 16

Actor James Earl Jones passed away last week at the age of 93. He was the last good Jones. Now it’s just me. And my Mufasa voice is shit.

October 14

The widow of Bobby Kennedy and mother of presidential candidate RFK Jr., Ethel Kennedy, passed away last week at the age of 96. I think if the son of a deceased person repeatedly requests that the casket not be locked and sealed, you gotta wonder what he’s got planned for that corpse.

What wonders will these final days of 2024 have in store for us? I have absolutely no idea, but you can guarantee that I’ll be around to make a silly joke about it (hopefully!) I hope your -ber months are safe, warm, and cute.

Santa-ly,

Featuring advice you need to navigate thehighs and lows of the holiday season. by Wm. Steven Humphrey

With election season in the rearview, it’s time to focus on the next upcoming traumatic event: THE HOLIDAYS. (Seriously, can we just have one 10-minute break from *waves arms frantically* everything??) Let’s face it: As joyful and fun as they can be, the holidays are also exhausting and take a lot of physical and emotional effort. That said, there are ways to get through the holiday season with your sanity intact, but it does take some brain training—and that’s exactly what we’re aiming to help you do with our annual Mercury holiday guide! (Pick yours up in print at more than 500 locations across Portland!)

That’s right, we’ve got lots of solid, no-nonsense advice gathered by the Mercury’s best writers and Portland’s top experts. Here’s just a sneak peek at some of the articles that can provide a lot of mental solace this holiday season:

Holidays for Humans: Let’s just say what everyone’s thinking: Aunt Barbara is a bitch. So when Barb—or any overbearing relative—insults your turkey day gravy, or says something that makes you want to curl up in a ball under the sink, how should you react? The hilarious and wise Courtenay Hameister has some hilarious and wise advice (with help from two qualified therapists) on how to answer that question, and take care of oneself during the holidays.

Zen and the Art of Holiday Pet Sitting: Alone on the holidays? THAT’S OKAY. In fact, despite what every media source, social media platform, and advertisement is trying to sell you, “togetherness” during the holidays—particularly during the Christmas season— is not the answer for everyone. In this sweet, smart piece, our Lindsay Costello documents her family estrangement, and how pet sitting for traveling friends offered her a furry and cute path to enlightenment.

Let’s Start Things! Let’s End Things!: Don’t know about you, but my New Year’s plans include spiraling down a mental rabbit hole of mistakes I made during 2024 and how 2025 isn’t looking much better. Thank goodness then for this particularly sharp article from HR Smith, who shares their ideas for stopping things (unhealthy habits) and starting things (like a creative project that will fill you with energy and hope)—and it’s jam-packed with great advice from four true experts in their fields: two therapists, one artist, and a witch. 

Or maybe you’re one of the 0.001 percent of Portlanders who are like, “My mental health is absolutely FINE, thankyouverymuch,” and the only help you need are what types of gifts to buy for friends and loved ones. To that I’d say, “congrats on that being your only problem and I have no resentment toward you, like, at all” AND that you’re doubly lucky the Mercury has tons of gift-giving ideas! For example: Look, you’ll be going to the airport at least once, if not multiple times over the next few months… so why not be like the smart and prepared Suzette Smith who has a lineup of thoughtful, interesting gifts you can find at the newly refurbished Portland International Airport? 

And if you’ve got someone on your list who spends a lot of time in the kitchen (or perhaps stabbing people?), check out Andrea Damewood’s terrific, and highly researched article on the best KNIVES for the foodie in your life. (We trust you won’t gift a knife to the wrong person.) And if your loved one is an audiophile who loves vinyl, we have not one but TWO articles from Jenni Moore and Corbin Smith that have some top-notch vinyl suggestions for those record lovers in your life. Don’t know where to start looking for prezzies? In our annual gift guide you’ll find poop-tons of inventive, cute, and highly sought-after products from some of Portland’s best small businesses—who you should ABSOLUTELY support this season and for the coming year!

For some, snackin’ and boozin’ are the true reasons for the season, and not only do we have a thirst-quenching roundup of holiday beers, but also an eye-popping list of the some of the best sweets that Portland has to offer, and where to snap them up! Or if it’s events you crave, then don’t miss my “critical review” of some of the city’s best holiday happenings, and (because my opinions just won’t stop) how they can be improved. And as usual, our EverOut calendar team has compiled the ultimate list of holiday picks that can’t be missed. And all that’s on top of our regular Mercury offerings including news, comedy, fun, AND a year-end wrap-up of the trashiest gossip of the year courtesy of Elinor Jones and The Trash Report!

Swear to baby Jesus, anything you’re looking for in regards to making it through the coming season is right here in the Mercury’s Holiday Guide! Look for it at more than 500 spots around the city, and never forget: In 2025 and beyond, the Mercury is here to entertain and inform you of the best our city has to offer—and that, my friends, is the gift we intend to keep on giving.

Happy holidays from all your Mercury pals and me,

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Editor-in-Chief

Portland Mercury

(he/him)

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The Mad Hatter Holiday Festival attracts thousands of people to the historic downtown district of Vallejo with its creative lighted and fire shooting Wonderland recreations that turns the city into a fantasy world for children and adults alike.

"Are you accusing my new girlfriend of being a mermaid?" Lionsgate has revealed an official trailer for a public domain B-movie horror creation called The Little Mermaid, yes a dark and gritty horror take on this classic story. Don't forget The Little Mermaid is originally based on Hans Christian Andersen's story from his book, it's not a Disney creation. This new take is from the same director of Transmorphers, The Witches of Oz, and Piranha Sharks. Dr. Eric Prince, an archaeologist, makes a dramatic discovery on a small Caribbean island – proof of an ancient, advanced prehistoric society. While his dig is in progress, he meets the mysterious and beautiful Aurora Bey and falls in love with her, only to discover she's really a mermaid. This features Mike Markoff, Jeff Denton, Samuel Selman, Sean-Michael Argo, Winston Crooke, Steven Yniguez, Manon Laurent, and Lydia Helen as the mermaid Aurora. This is only worth a look to see how dumb & weird they can make it, please don't waste any money renting (or buying) the actual movie. Here's the official trailer (+ poster) for Leigh Scott's The Little Mermaid, direct from YouTube: Beauty is both deceiving and dangerous in this darkly fascinating […]

"Think they'll still do graduation?" A24 has revealed a second trailer for Y2K, a 1999 party comedy marking the feature directorial debut of comedian Kyle Mooney. Set to debug theaters starting in early December just before New Years coming up. It first premiered at the 2024 SXSW Film Festival to good reviews along with some negative ones, too. Two high school nobodies make the decision to crash the last major celebration before the new millennium on New Year's Eve 1999. The night gets even crazier than they could have ever dreamed when the clock strikes midnight. The hilarious NYE horror comedy stars Rachel Zegler, Jaeden Martell, Julian Dennison, and Alicia Silverstone, also featuring The Kid Laroi, Tim Heidecker, and Fred Durst. Still reminds me a bit of Bodies Bodies Bodies, though it also seems like it's inspired by the antics of This is The End. This looks totally wild and crazy and exactly my kind of ridiculous 90s humor! Tons of fun especially with all tech turning into literal monsters coming after them. Can't wait to watch this. Here's the second official trailer for Kyle Mooney's film Y2K, direct from A24's YouTube: You can rewatch the first trailer for Kyle […]

"It can copy everything, and record you without you ever knowing – and then just disappear without a trace." HBO Original Documentary Films has revealed the official trailer for a new doc called Surveilled, a film about spyware and cyber espionage. It's so much of a film about surveillance as it is about governments and politicians tracking and spying on others through all of this tech that surrounds us. "The most advanced spyware can turn your smartphone into a spy in your pocket.” Surveilled tracks the Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Ronan Farrow as he investigates the growing business of commercial spyware – following the story from New York City to Tel Aviv, Israel, a center of espionage cybertechnology. Once a target of covert surveillance himself, Farrow explores the multi-billion-dollar industry, addressing the contradictory uses and implications of phone hacking – the ability to monitor criminal activity and attendant threats to civil liberties. Described as a "real-world horror story", this urgent and important doc will be streaming on Max starting this month. All of this in here really is super scary. But what do we do? How do we resist all of this? Here's the official trailer (+ poster) for O'Neill […]

"When a soldier dies, you suck it up." Briarcliff Ent. has unveiled an official trailer for a movie called My Dead Friend Zoe, marking the feature directorial debut of filmmaker Kyle Hausmann-Stokes (who was in the US Army). A fresh new take on veterans. This initially premiered at the 2024 SXSW Film Festival earlier this year, where it won the Audience Award in the Narrative Spotlight section. You can tell why from this trailer! Engaged in a mysterious relationship with her dead best friend from the Army, a female Afghanistan veteran comes head to head with her Vietnam vet grandfather while at the family's ancestral lake house. At its core, this is about a complicated friendship, a divided family and the complex ways in which we process grief. This unique indie film stars Sonequa Martin-Green as Merit, Natalie Morales as Zoe, along with Ed Harris, Morgan Freeman, Utkarsh Ambudkar, and Gloria Reuben. This is an impressively dark comedy about grief and veterans, following her around as she deals with a lingering ghost of her best friend. This looks VERY smart and clever, which is what cinema really should be all about these days. Take a look. Here's the official trailer […]

"Don't you lay a hand on him!" Universal UK has unveiled another official trailer for the new Wolf Man movie, arriving in theaters January 2025 early next year. A few extra glimpses of different footage added to this trailer though most of it is similar to the official US trailer from last month. Produced by Jason Blum & Blumhouse, this a fresh update on the classic furry Universal Monster originally invented with the 1941 film The Wolf Man. Most recently there was the 2010 remake called The Wolfman starring Benicio Del Toro plus tons of other werewolf flicks in the last few years. From Blumhouse and visionary writer-director Leigh Whannell, the creators of the chilling modern monster tale The Invisible Man, comes a terrifying new lupine nightmare: Wolf Man. The new tagline: "What if someone you loved became something else?" What would you do? A man must save himself and his family when they are stalked, terrorized, and haunted by a deadly werewolf at night – but something else is going on. Christopher Abbott stars with Julia Garner, Sam Jaeger, Matilda Firth, Ben Prendergast, and Benedict Hardie. This is looking better and better the more they show - especially as […]

"How much would you risk just to discover what you're capable of?" Prime Video has launched their main official trailer for the "revolutionary" new animated anthology series called Secret Level, the successor to the acclaimed Love, Death + Robots anthology series on Netflix. This time, Tim Miller and Blur Studios (the same studio that made Love, Death + Robots) are focusing on video games, launching with a collection of 15 animated short films. Secret Level is a new adult-animated anthology series featuring original stories set within the worlds of some of the most beloved video games. A "celebration of games and gamers." Each episode of Secret Level serves as a gateway to a new adventure, unlocking exciting worlds from gaming classics and highly anticipated new titles. Games referenced include Armored Core, Crossfire, Dungeons & Dragons, Honor of Kings, Mega Man, Pac-Man, Spelunky, The Outer Worlds, Unreal Tournament, as well as Warhammer 40,000. So many talented video game designers have been secretly working on this for the past few years. This is an extraordinary trailer - so emotional, so exciting, packed with stunning footage. I cannot wait to see what they've been cooking up here! What a geeky surprise for us […]

"I want to face my wife's killers, look them in the eyes, and balance the scales." Dark. 20th Century Studios has unveiled an official trailer for The Amateur, a thrilling new revenge movie from British director James Hawes (who also directed a bunch of episodes of that spy series "Slow Horses" if you want to get a sense of his cinematic style). The film follows a nerdy CIA cryptographer / software geek who manages to blackmail his own agency into training him to let him go after a group of terrorist who killed his wife in London. He realizes his bosses will not act due to conflicting internal priorities, so he takes things into his own hands. Rami Malek stars as Charles Heller, along with Rachel Brosnahan, Caitríona Balfe, Jon Bernthal, Michael Stuhlbarg, Holt McCallany, Julianne Nicholson, Adrian Martinez, Danny Sapani, and Laurence Fishburne. This reminds me of Jason Bourne at first glance, with him hopping around cities in Europe outsmarting everyone over there. Might turn out really good? Certain looks unsettling and thrilling. Here's the official trailer (+ poster) for James Hawes' thriller The Amateur, direct from YouTube: Charlie Heller (Rami Malek) is a brilliant, but deeply introverted decoder […]

"You might be missing your chance to win this war." FX on Hulu has debuted a second trailer for the series Say Nothing, set in Belfast during the infamous The Troubles period. It's out for streaming this week in the US. This historical drama limited series is created by Josh Zetumer for Disney+ and it's produced by FX Productions. Detailing four generations in Northern Ireland during The Troubles, it is an adaptation of the book Say Nothing: A True Story of Murder and Memory in Northern Ireland by Patrick Radden Keefe. The series follows the lives of people growing up in Belfast in the 1970s, 80s and 90s. Starring Lola Petticrew, Hazel Doupe, Anthony Boyle, Josh Finan, and Maxine Peake. For another great film about Belfast, Ireland, I highly recommend watching Kneecap also from this year. This series seems to be more about how a divided nation is bad and hurting each other is bad, but I'm not sure which side it will into regarding the actual politics. Is it pro-Crown or pro-Ireland? Or it's just pro-people? What do you think from this footage? Here's the second official trailer for FX's The Troubles series Say Nothing, direct from YouTube: You […]

"He's going too far." It's never enough for athletes! Always more, more, more. Paramount has revealed an official trailer for a fascinating sports documentary called Freediver, from director Michael John Warren. While this come across as a one-of-a-kind creation, this whole film seems like a response to the exceptional doc The Deepest Breath about two other famous freedivers - mainly a young Italian woman named Alessia Zecchini who was also setting records. Anyway... After geopolitics forced him into exile, one of the greatest living freedivers, Alexey Molchanov, fights to reclaim his athletic glory and honor his iconic mother's towering legacy by attempting a record setting season in the history of this deadly sport. His near-suicidal quest to set five world records in under four months brings him to the farthest reaches of the globe and his mind, forcing him to reevaluate the very skills on which he has built his entire life. Intense! This is such a scary yet beautiful sport only a few people in the world can really compete in – don't try this at home, folks. Here's the official trailer (+ poster) for Michael John Warren's doc Freediver, direct from YouTube: After geopolitics forced him into exile, […]

"It rocks! But it doesn't rock too hard." HBO has revealed the trailer for Yacht Rock: A Dockumentary, premiering on Max later this month. Get ready for a voyage through soft rock history! It's the next creation in HBO's top notch Music Box series of docs about music history - there were 4 feature docs that debuted last year and this next one is part of the "season" coming up in 2024-2025. Yacht Rock chronicles the rise of the smooth West Coast sound pioneered by artists like Steely Dan, Toto, & Michael McDonald, exploring its widespread influence. The film includes soulful insight from many musical artists including Kenny Loggins, Christopher Cross, Michael McDonald (Steely Dan and The Doobie Brothers), Steve Porcaro (Toto), Steve Lukather (Toto), David Paich (Toto), Prince Paul (De La Soul), Brian Robert Jones (Vampire Weekend), Thundercat, Ahmir "Questlove" Thompson (The Roots), Mac DeMarco and more; "Yacht Rock" web series creator J.D. Ryznar & host Steve Huey; comedian Fred Armisen; music producers, journalists, scholars, and rock critics. Before video killed the radio star, smooth rock ruled the airwaves. This looks so groovy - enjoy. First official trailer (+ poster) for Garret Price's doc Yacht Rock: A Dockumentary, from […]

Kate Beckinsale has found her way onto Prime Video's top charts thanks to her latest action thriller, which is being streamed in large numbers around the world.

The character design for Futurama's Fry originally looked too much like a certain character from The Simpsons, but a simple fix gave them enough leeway.

Netflix might be giving the hit Western series Yellowstone a run for their money with the Australian cowboy show, Territory.

Ryan Reynolds feels the Academy did Eddie Murphy a disservice by not awarding him Oscars for his roles in these comedies (and he's right to say it).

Teryl Rothery, who played Dr. Janet Frasier on Stargate SG-1, was not ready to leave the show in season 7. But here's why she left anyway.

The Transformers comics are re-imagining a classic storyline from the original Transformers cartoon involving the treacherous Decepticon Starscream.

The producers behind the James Bond franchise have a few specific requirements for whoever ends up replacing Daniel Craig as 007.

Batman's absence in The Penguin might seem like a glaring issue, but producer Matt Reeves has a pretty logical explanation for why he doesn't show up.

While Mando and Grogu are set to return in future Star Wars projects, The Mandalorian season 4 no longer appears to be one of them.

Zoe Saldaña is a part of the Star Trek, Guardians of the Galaxy, and Avatar franchises, but is she open to doing more sci-fi movies?

Zapp Brannigan wears quite the short miniskirt throughout Futurama, but the original design actually didn't intend to have him showing so much leg.

Depending on which country you live in, the first Harry Potter movie features Harry, Ron, and Hermione talking about a different magical object.

Deadpool and Wolverine took a while to get off the ground because Ryan Reynolds was attempting to fold Deadpool into every MCU movie.

Batman never shows up in The Penguin, just like its creatives claimed. However, he was very nearly added to the show at one point.