You know the tune... sing along! by Ricky Pee Pee Ricky Pee Pee (@rickypeepee_official)

Four examples of music that take a decidedly
different spin on the holidays. by Corbin Smith

Over the years, the recording industry has managed to create Christmas music for every mood. Thousands of sad piano takes on "The Christmas Song" (Chestnuts Roasting Over an Open Fire), the pure pop joy of Mariah Carey belting out “All I want for Christmas is you,” the simple, light brain damage you get from a loud, irritating version of “Sleigh Ride.” But what about when you are in a VERY particular mood? When the season has transported you into one of life’s bizarre gutters, left you in such a particular place where you need a very particular sort of Christmas music to haul you out of it? For you, for this, I offer this guide to Christmas music for truly any mood. 

••••

For when you and your fellow teenage orphans—residents of a foster home owned by kindly old women in deep with the bank— just pulled off the Christmas Eve heist of the century to pay her mortgage and are tipping back a big ol’ glass of hot cider while looking over Portland: Bob Dylan, Christmas in the Heart

A few years back, Bob Dylan, our truest and most loving uncle, made a Christmas album. Surface analysis: it’s weird he did that. Deeper analysis: it’s not actually weird, because Bob admires folk music and the Great American Songbook, and Christmas music is a canon built from both. Even deeper analysis: it’s still pretty weird, because it’s weird to listen to Bob Dylan unleashing his signature late career Warm Croak on Christmas songs you’ve been inundated with your entire life.

But when you get past the sheer novelty of King Gravel intoning “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” a song made famous by Judy Garland, you remember that, oh yeah, Bob Dylan is one of history’s greatest musicians, and offers a wealth of feeling, warmth and energy—even (especially) when he’s pursuing a strange muse. His “Must Be Santa,” anchored by a loud accordion and augmented by a rechristening of the reindeer as post-war presidents, is pure jalopy shit—a sound of the Christmas gathering flying apart at the seams as candy-ridden children roam through the hallway and shove each other into toilets. “I’ll Be Home for Christmas,” is a standard ‘50s pop music take, lifted into something transcendent by Bob’s presence behind the microphone. “Winter Wonderland” and “Christmas Island” presents an alternate world Dylan, one more into vibing and tipping back, as opposed to an artist with an endless appetite for work and startling discipline.

The best song on here is Bob’s version of “Do You Hear What I Hear.” He is, after all, an old wise man now, wandering through deserts, handing out gifts. His intonation on “A child, a child/Sleeping in the night/He will bring us goodness and light,” is struck through with a warmth and sincerity that you don’t associate with Trickster Bob. Is it a performance of awe, trying to capture a world that still had some sense of the divine? Is it a true wonder in the potential of the child, a hope for the future? Is it just a straightforward exaltation of Christ himself? You can never really know with Bob, of course, but it stirs.

••••

For when your company—an international logistics concern—sent you on a last minute overseas business trip over Christmas, and you stroll the streets alone and alienated on Christmas Eve, until you walk into a fancy cocktail bar and lock eyes with another disaffected expat at the bar: Duke Ellington, The Nutcracker Suite

Did you know that Duke isn’t his real name? You see, when Duke Ellington was a child, everyone who lived in his neighborhood thought he seemed like minor royalty, and just started calling him Duke as a result. That was how smooth this man was, folks. But it would not have meant much if the Duke was not also a world historic musical genius. A bandleader, composer, a thinker, whose work brought a formal precision and imagination to jazz that changed the enterprise forever, transmuting it from an outgrowth of blues into the great American musical form.

One of the ways that Duke built this new form was taking forays into classical music, breaking apart or injecting the classical canon with improvisation and swing time, or likewise, taking the forms of classical music and overlaying them with original compositions informed by his lifetime as an orchestra leader working in a jazz idiom. In Duke’s hands, genre distinctions, of dance music or concert music, become wobbly, fall off the boat, drown in the ocean of his genius, and are reborn into an object of pure American greatness. 

In 1960, Duke, riding a popular revival as newfangled bebop artists codified his importance in their own development, worked with Billy Strayhorn—his longtime arranging partner—to break apart Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker suite, perhaps the most famous piece of dance music ever composed, and reforge it into this album, which takes Pytor’s famous melodies and remakes them into nine swing numbers. 

“The Dance of The Sugar Plum Fairy,” all ethereal glockenspiels in the ballet, becomes “Sugar Rum Cherry,” a terribly horny reforging that asks a question that would not occur to you otherwise: What if I kind of want to fuck the Sugar Plum Fairy? “The Nutcracker March” is now “Peanut Brittle Brigade,” a New Orleans parade of nutcracker men. “Chinoiserie,” the Duke’s version of “The Chinese Dance,” loosens up the source material to the point where it sounds like something someone might actually dance to as opposed to the Tchaikovsky original, bloodless to the point of making its subject seem alien.

••••

For when you’re driving home from your family’s yearly Christmas gathering—which was good, for the most part, but your Aunt Shelly got WAY too blitzed on eggnog and hot toddies and vomm’d in the backyard: Wynton Marsalis, Crescent City Christmas Card

There’s a lot to know about Wynton Marsalis, the trumpeter, band leader, and academic, who has long represented a kind of traditionalist approach to jazz performance and composition that can maybe seem a little square. And while I personally don’t know a lot about Marsalis, I do know about this album, a suite of Christmas standards he released in 1989. A lot of it is fairly standard jazz takes on Christmas classics: a trumpet playing a slightly off-kilter rendition of “Winter Wonderland,” a brassy vocal take on “Sleigh Ride,” “Carol of the Bells” with the forward momentum of the death chant replaced by laconic swing music jamming, and “Jingle Bells,” with a li’l woodblock that brings horse evocations to the party. 

But some of it is insane—insane in a way that makes you wonder what Wynton is trying to get out. Take this album’s version of “Silent Night”: a standard female vocal, trilling and ethereal, but set to a backdrop of woozy, uncertain horns, that give the thing a vaguely creepy vibe. What does it mean to set a hymn of the infant Christ in front of trumpets that suggest a danger lurking on the horizon? Is it an evocation of Herod’s men in the field, looking for the child so he may butcher any competition for his spot at the top of Israel’s local government? Is it broadcasting uncertainty about the future of this child’s life, over the fanaticism he would come to embrace, the horror of his violent death? Is it a way of juxtaposing the sentimental story of Jesus’ birth with the world of unease and terror that would form in his wake? 

Why would someone make a version of “Little Drummer Boy” that seems to intentionally bury the drums in the mix? Trumpeter’s jealousy? What does a laid back swing version of “We Three Kings” mean? That the kings were cool? Were they cool? I have never thought about it, really. By insisting that he press as much jazz shit as possible into these standards, Wynton runs up against the idea of these things as content about Christmas and into the idea of them as forms.

••••

For when she took the kids home after their mandatory Christmas Eve visit and you have wandered out into the cold night, purchased a six pack of Rolling Rock and a bottle of Mad Dog, and—two brewskies and five sips of fortified in—you plop down in the arched, gothic-style doorway of a neighborhood church, and just sit there, sipping and watching the rain come in, wondering when and how it all went so wrong: Benjamin Britten, Ceremony of Carols

20th Century British Composer Benjamin Britten was a sad man who made beautiful music. Ceremony of Carols is a song cycle for boys choir and solo harp, written on a boat coming back to England during the middle of World War II, when U-Boats were scouring the ocean, looking to send boats full of British guys plunging into the icy ocean. It takes a bunch of old Christmas and Baby Jesus related poems in various languages, sets them to music, and goes at it hard as hell. It’s beautiful, it’s faintly sad, it’s everything you need for a Christmas where the disappointments of the year fight against the idea of a wee babe, born in a barn, bringing hope into the world. NOT FOR LIGHT LISTENING, but essential for any soul slipping into darkness. 

Christmas came early for these city bureaus and agencies. Let’s see what ‘Taxpayer Santa’ brought them! by Courtney Vaughn

What you do with your money is nobody’s business, but what the government does with your money is everyone’s business. 

At a time of year when parents across the nation get suckered into splurging on pricey, short-lived toys (sorry, but your kid is never gonna learn to play that keyboard and there’s a good chance that Easy-Bake Oven will burn your house down), we set out to see which public agencies and city bureaus received the biggest, coolest, and most expensive toys—thanks to you and your tax dollars. 

While these agencies may have been blessed with many of the toys on their wish lists, we know austerity measures are coming. The Portland mayor’s office recently offered a budget preview that reveals city bureaus will likely need to cut another 5 percent from their budgets in the upcoming fiscal year. If that sounds like a bone dry way of explaining the city’s money sitch, imagine if you already had to cancel all your streaming services and lower your grocery bill last year, and now you have to cut even more expenses, to the point where you’re considering canceling your internet service and just stealing the shoddy WiFi signal from that coffee shop down the street.

And though the government shopping sprees may be coming to an end for now, let’s take stock of some big-ticket toys, tools, and trucks that taxpayers recently bought for our public agencies. Show this to your kids to explain why “Santa” had to scale back this year.

Body cameras

What they are: small video cameras roughly the size of a credit card that clip onto officers’ uniforms. In December 2023, Portland City Council authorized police to spend up to $10 million on body-worn cameras over the next five years. The end-of-year purchase was a bit of an impulse buy. The council approved the expense in an effort to save the bureau $1.5 million by approving a contract with camera manufacturer Axon before the new year. This feels like the equivalent of springing for a new washer and dryer during a Presidents Day sale because the deal is too good to pass up. 

Estimated cost: $10 million

Drones

What they are: small, aerial cameras also known as unmanned aircraft systems, which record video and images from the vantage point of a bird or an insect buzzing above your head. PPB started using drones in 2023 as part of a pilot program. This year, the City Council coughed up nearly $100,000 for the bureau to buy more devices. Police mainly use them to help get images at major crime and crash scenes. 

The bureau says the high-flying cameras allow officers to “monitor critical incidents from a distance, assist with search and rescue, and provide evidence of crimes.” Recently, PPB has deployed drones at crisis scenes involving uncooperative, potentially dangerous subjects, to try to peer into windows or gain a view of other hard-to-reach spaces. Police swear they’re not using drones for any type of facial recognition efforts. 

Estimated cost: $166,000

Crowd control weapons; armor

What it is: tear gas, riot shields, and impact munitions. Earlier this year, the Portland Police Bureau revived its crowd control specialists, formerly called the Rapid Response Team. Crowd control officers responded to large-scale protests over the spring at Portland State University and now, the bureau is preparing for demonstrations and potentially violent protests following the November election. The city didn’t skimp on PPB’s shopping budget, authorizing $1.1 million for the purchase of 100 shields; 350 tear gas canisters; 350 kinetic impact projectiles; 300 impact munitions with chemical irritants; 100 flash-bang incendiary devices, and munitions training. 

Note: Since they’re spending your tax money, all of these weapons will be used on you, dear readers… which gives new meaning to the phrase, “You get what you ask for.”

Estimated cost: $1.1 million

Articulated transit bus,
AKA “bendy bus”

What it is: a long, 60-person public transit bus with an accordion-like middle section, allowing the long bus to maneuver around tight roads while carrying more passengers. The buses are diesel-powered and allow TriMet to expand capacity on select, highly-used routes. Frequent service and more seats = more fentanyl traces, baby!

Estimated cost: $935,000

Tractor-drawn aerial truck

What it is: a big-ass fire engine with superpowers. Tractor-drawn aerial trucks give firefighters extra maneuverability and include an aerial ladder for reaching tall and tight spaces. They also have independent rear steering, so the trailer attached to the truck can be angled even when the cab isn’t. These behemoths typically range in length from 55 to 65 feet. 

Estimated cost: $1.7 million

Street sweeper

What it is: A heavy-duty truck that sweeps and vacuums. The latest street sweeper purchase by PBOT was a 2023 Elgin Eagle. The model boasts a conveyor that won’t jam, a variable height lift system and a high-capacity dump feature (paging Sir Mix-a-Lot!) As the manufacturer notes, the Eagle sweeper can maintain highway speeds and ensures “dumping is a breeze.”

Estimated cost: $424,500 

Snow plow 

What it is: A SnowDogg plow attachment for heavy-duty trucks that can scoop snow and debris off roads. You probably thought PBOT was the only bureau to come to our rescue during a snowstorm. Not so! The Water Bureau is also responsible for keeping roads clear during crummy weather, while responding to water main breaks and other crises. The Water Bureau recently bought two plow attachments and even opted for discontinued 2019 models to save some dough. The latest purchases weren’t meant for general use around the city. Instead they’re mostly meant to secure watersheds, clear access paths to the Water Bureau’s own facilities, and other bureau-specific responses—but still, it never hurts to have more of these puppies available during the next snowpocalypse.

Estimated cost: $5,600

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- Phillip Martin, Senior Reporter, WGBH News
- Kim McLarin, Assistant Professor of Writing, Literature, and Publishing, Emerson College
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Panelists:
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- John Barros, Chief of Economic Development, Mayor’s Office, City of Boston
- Yawu Miller, Senior Editor, The Bay State Banner

April 24, 2015

May 1, 2015

Show title from A Change is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke, 1964.

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