This has been my go-to summer steak for the last several years and I have some audacity to have gatekept it for so long. Mostly, we’ve been too busy eating it for me to grab the camera and shoot it and then sit down and write the recipe, which is hilarious as that’s, like, my whole job. But my brain softens in the summer, especially when my kids are away at sleepaway camp, as they are now, and we quickly lose whatever tethers we had to things like to-do lists, responsibilities, and adulting. And while I do not expect a skirt steak with a cherry tomato and sweet corn salad to shake the cooking internet off its axis, there are a bunch of tips tucked into this recipe that make it a reliable favorite, and I hope become part of your repertoire too.

Read more »

Last summer, when my younger child joined my older child at sleepaway camp for a month for the first time, leaving us unmoored and a little restless, we made a list of restaurants we’d been meaning to try and friends we don’t see enough and took this task on like it was our job. I barely cooked once. By the end of the third week, everything hurt and we realized our template for a child-free life (going out late, cocktails on weeknights, and generally behaving despicably) was based on our age and energy level when we were last child-free, which (I’m sorry as this fact seems to upset you guys as much as it does his actual parents) was almost 15 years ago.

Read more »

Consider this the summer flip of one of my favorite recipes in my third cookbook, Smitten Kitchen Keepers — the apple butterscotch crisp.

Read more »

If you were to make a multi-part Venn diagram combining my favorite salad things, you could nestle this right in the center. It’s one part wedge salad, the fork and steak knife kind, something I am so into I talked my podcast co-host Kenji (okay, it wasn’t hard) into dedicating a whole episode to it. And it contains cabbage, and not just cabbage but Napa cabbage, which I think deserves more credit as a salad green. [This can be convenient to know as it often comes in heads large enough to feed a small family for a week.] Napa cabbage is a little leafy, a little crunchy, and yet kind of juicy too and I’ve used it, sliced thin, in everything from this Italian-style salad to a classic Caesar.
Read more »

It’s humbling that way every September, without fail, knocks me on my rump. One week, you’re breezy and unscheduled, reading books on a beach and tearing lobster apart with your bare hands (indeed, we were in Maine) and the next you’re realizing a certain fetid backpack was never emptied on the last day of school in June, scrambling for after-school care, and despite the fact that I work every week of the year, somehow there’s a lot more to do. If dinner can’t be made in one pan in which everything cooks at once, I haven’t been making it. And yet I’ve made this chicken dish four times in the last month; it’s clearly time to shout about it across the internet.

Read more »

What if I told you I had a from-scratch cinnamon roll recipe that was effortlessly veganized, required no kneading, and could be coming out of your oven in just over two hours? And what if I told you’d I’d been making it for years and didn’t tell you about it because I thought, for some bizarre reason, that the site didn’t need another breakfast bun recipe? Yes, I’d throw a jar of cinnamon at my head too. Good news, though, you can stop yelling now because I’ve come to my senses.

Read more »

“I was looking for a simple roasted carrot recipe on your site and couldn’t find one,” a friend told me a month ago and I immediately put “simple roasted carrot recipe” on my sprawling, decades-long To Cook list because sometimes I forget myself, too. Spoiler: I was never going to write a simple recipe for roasted carrots.

Read more »

Confession time! As someone with more opinions than I can fit in three cookbooks, one audiobook, and even 18 years of archives on this website, sometimes when I want to grumble about something food-related but it’s not the time or place, I tuck it in a little document called “rants” that is so full of cringe, you only have my permission to publish posthumously. But I can’t write a headnote for this particular cake without first owning up to #23 on the list in advance: “Apple cider cakes are lies.” Which begs the questions: Who hurt you, Deb? What gives? Essentially, my quibble is that you can put all of the wonderful fresh-pressed apple cider you want in a cake, but it rarely comes through to actually taste like apple cider. The flavor is not robust enough. I’m not saying it can’t be wildly delicious with all of the cinnamon spice we also put in these cakes, but it rarely, to me, tastes like an accurate representation of its name.

Read more »

Ever heard of Stanley Stinkbug? 

 Yeah, me neither. 

 Apparently he's a children's character who looks like this:

As far as anthropomorphic bugs go, I guess he's not TOO terrifying. I'd put him somewhere between Heimlich the caterpillar and Hopper the evil grasshopper: Not a bug you'd want to cuddle, exactly, but that probably wouldn't make you run screaming from the room, either. Plus the neckerchief is fun.

Anyhoo, of course - of course - bakers have been asked to make cake versions of Stanley, and of course some of those bakers have done so... poorly.

The good news is today's baker was only asked to do a flat illustration on a cupcake cake (patooie!), which is a running head start, right? No molding or sculpting, just a picture. Heck, they could even print one out!

So what do you think, did they make Stanley's eyes all wonky? Is his scarf the wrong color, is he missing some legs? Oh! I know! I bet... you just want me to just show you the cake, don't you.

 Fine.

 BEHOLD!

Actual footage of my reaction:

Also now this gif is blocking my view of the cake, so... BONUS.

Now, before I nope right out of here, I'd like to point out that the baker CLEARLY thought management wanted an actual stinkbug cake for the display case, but never thought to ask A) WHY DEAR LORD WHY, or B) why it was named Stanley. 

 I mean, c'mon, you get told to draw a random bug named Stanley, tell me you wouldn't add some glasses and a sweater vest. That's just common sense.

Also, is this the sort of bakery where random horrific requests are this common? Was the baker asked to make a "Tiffany Tapeworm" last week, so Mr. Stinkbug was par for the course?

::dares to scroll up briefly to see the cake again::

K, last question: Did the baker think putting the giant semi-realistic stinkbug on a bed of lettuce... was helping??

Aaaaand I'M OUT.

Thank you(?), Emily S. I do not approve.
*****

P.S. After my crack about cuddle-worthy bugs, naturally I had to go see if I could find some. And I gotta say, the ant? ADORABLE:

Plush Bugs
*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

October is Pizza Month, minions, so this is a great time to go over a few reminders.

 Ahem hem hem.

Bakers, repeat after me.

"Pizza crust is not shiny."


Bakers repeating en masse: "Pizza crust is not shiny."

"Pizza crust is not held aloft by piles of poop."

"Pizza crust is not held aloft by piles of poop."

"If people can't tell my cakes are supposed to be pizzas, then I should stop making pizza cakes."

"If people can't..."

Bakers' Spokesperson, interrupting: "But what if we printed the pizza on the cake?"

::brief silence::

"No."

"What if we make the cake a slice of pizza?"

"NO."

"What if we made the cake brownies instead of cake?"

"HOW IS THAT BETTER"

"Ok, ok, fine. We won't make pizza cake."

"Excellent! Wait. Why am I suddenly nervous?"

"BOOYAH!!!!"

::sigh::

"I'm out."

Thanks to Anony M.,  Robyn, Heidi L., Carole D., Anony M., & Bartley I., for giving us a hand. Also are those pickles? Because I would totally eat pickles on pizza. Just me? 

*****
Here's an extra toasty way to celebrate Pizza Month:

Double-Sided Pizza Throw Blanket

It's hard to put a price on a blanket that makes you believe you ARE a pizza, but apparently the going rate is about $27. :p

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Welcome, foolish mortals, to the Haunted Bakery. I am your host, your ghost host.

Hey, ghosts of tennis rackets make awesome servers.

Ahem.

Our tour begins here, in this grocery, where you see pictures of some of our residents in their corruptible, mortal display cases.

Pilgrim ogres...

Zitty zombies...

... and beatniks.

Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. 

Is Frank's nose actually shrinking?

Or is it just cold in here, hmm?

And consider this dismaying observation:

This is a cupcake cake.

Patooie!

Also it's supposed to be a BAT.

::bloodcurdling scream::

I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you prematurely. After all we have 999 happy bakers here — but there’s room for 1,000. So please...

Hairy baaa-aaack.

Thanks to Jodee R., Marianne S., Janet R., Lauren M., M. D., Jeannie W., Lauren E., Rae L., & Anony M. for having our backs. Or at least this guy's.
*****

P.S. Here's something for your own mansion with hot and cold running chills:

Haunted Mansion Shower Curtain

Aww yeeeeah.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

It's Bat Appreciation Month, minions, and I'm sure we can all agree: bats of every kind are pretty amazing.

Whether they're long and lumpy:

Or short and girthy:

Whether they have a huge, misshapen head:

Or bend juuuust slightly to the right:

Yep, bats are the bees knees, no matter where you stick them.

[urgent whispers from John]

What's that? I'm celebrating the wrong kind of bat?

OH! Bat bats. The flappy ones. Got it.

Huh.

::pause::

I dunno, after all that, a pumpkin in a bat hat feels a little... anticlimactic?


Well thanks anyway, Paula I., Marlene B., Heidi B., Emily D., Angela K., & Daniel G. I'm sure we'll have much less confusion with next week's hard rock cakes.

*****

Here's my actual contribution to Bat Appreciation Month: I found the prettiest lil' bat necklace for less than $10:

Gothic Bat Necklace

OooOOOOooh.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Wrecky minion Aryn took this photo October 23rd:

OCTOBER 23RD.

So this bakery is selling Christmas cakes two major holidays before Christmas. Which would be awesome for pranking that friend who passed out after drinking too much, but otherwise... da heck?

 

And if you think Christmas Creep is bad, wait'll you see Easter Creep:

A pink Easter Egg cake... made October 19th.

Because it's never too early to stock up on "decorated" egg cakes in October, you guys.

 

It actually gets worse when bakeries try to be seasonally appropriate:

Orange icing + crappy turtle pancake = "Fall!"

 

White pointy-headed "ghosts" + anything = FAIL!

Seriously, let's talk about all the ways this is a bad idea.

Oh yes, please, put them on white cupcakes. THAT HELPS SO MUCH.

 

Speaking of not helping, let's talk creepy clowns.

This was also spotted last week.

::shudder::

 

Although at least the clown is recognizable. What about this thing?

It was out last week, so... Dapper Halloween Alien? Count Unibrow? Evil Mystic Muppet?

Oooh, "Evil Mystic Muppet" would be an awesome band name.

 

Thanks to Aryn W., Elizabeth C., Robbie C., Anony M., Julie R., Alexa M., & Jenny E for reminding us it's just two more months 'til Christmas.

*****

The only way I approve of celebrating Christmas this early is by wearing one of these:

Unisex Ugly Christmas Sweaters

Look closely at the "chestnuts" on the right, bahaha. There are tons more to choose from at the link, so happy browsing.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

I'm back with more Halloween goodies, spoops and ghouls! 

I didn't have anything too specific in mind for this week's theme, so I ended up with a boo-tiful mix of everything from Gothic Glam:

(Cake Effect Buffalo, New York)

... to bright pastel eye candy.

(Wonderfully Whitty Cakes, California)

I couldn't decide which of Whitney's cakes I liked best, so you get two:

(Wonderfully Whitty Cakes, California)

Ooooh. Those stripes are swoon-worthy.

Have you ever seen a little kid smile with a mouth full of Oreos?
This is kind of like that, only cuter:

(Backfeevi, Germany)

Hee!

I know I usually err on the adorable side of Halloween, so here's something more dark and dramatic: 

(AyşenButikPasta, Turkey)

This could almost be a wedding cake! And that dry-brushed gold detailing? Gorgeous.

Ahh, but now I bet you want to see an actual Halloween wedding cake.

So to quote the coffin lid as it slammed shut,

BAM:

(MakeLuvBlog)

Isn't this stunning? The wrought iron gate trim, the autumn flowers, the chocolate casket toppers! I love the light gray icing, too; less dye AND you can see all the details better.


Veering right back into Cute with this magical lil guy:

(That Baking Girl)

Batty Potter. Ermergersh. 

And of course we need more Pumpkin King and friends in here:

(Lovlie Cakes & Brookies Cookies Co.)

Digging the vintage illustration style on this one: 

(Saucy Bakes, Canada & Arizona)

The bright green and red makes it pop, and then that bottom piped border made me do a double-take; it looks just like real lace! Whaaaaat.

And finally, even more cheery pastels, since I can't get enough this season:

(Cake Happy, Virginia)

Is this not the happiest skull cake you've ever seen?? I guess Mickey ears really do make everything better. :D

I hope these made you a little happier, too, friends. Happy Sunday, and may your Halloween this year be extra extra Sweet.
*****
P.S. Speaking of happy skulls, I don't know who needs to hear this, but there is such a thing as rainbow skull spoons:

Stainless Steel Skull Spoons, set of 6

They also come in black or silver, for the more traditional/boring goths out there. :p

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Sittin' in the morning sun

(oops)

I like wreckin' 'til the evening comes!

 

Stuffin' some flotsam in.

Grab another cake and do it again.

Yeah...

 

I'm thinkin' they'll be dockin' my pay.

I thought that's what they wanted to say!

Oooo -oo -oo -ooo

I'm thinkin' they'll be dockin' my pay...

Meh, looks fine. (Hiiii-iiine.)

 

The cake you want'll bore ya.

Thought I'd go a disco way.

 

I got nothin' against George.

It's just I'm tired of frosting him all day.

So...

I'm thinkin' they'll be dockin' my pay.

No one could read the French, anyway!

Ooh!

Maybe they'll be dockin' my pay...

Nah, it's fine.

 

Thankfully, our faithful Wreckporters -- Laurel G., Anna C., Kate P., Stacey W., Sammi K., Kathryn R., Bath C., Sylvie C., and Teresa P. -- weren't wasting time. Now, I think I'm supposed to end this with harmonic whistling, so here goes...

::whistles badly for 3 seconds::

Nope, hang on, I found a prettier option:

A rainbow whistling tea kettle? YES PLEASE.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Sure, Halloween gets all the hype, but did you know TONIGHT is actually the spookiest night of the year?

That's right, minions, tonight... is Haunted Refrigerator Night.

DUN

DUN

DUUUUUUN

::scream::

How do you know if your fridge is haunted? EASY. Just peek inside, and if you see the doorway to Gozer's temple, it's totes haunted.

But what about the refrigerated cases in bakeries? Can THOSE be haunted?

I'd call that a big "yes."

In fact, sometimes if you listen closely to the display case, you'll hear messages from the beyond:

Those poltergeists, such pranksters. 

You know how in scary movies there's always a face in the bathroom mirror?

This one's eyes even follow you! No really. Try leaning waaaay over in your chair. 

Now the other way. 

Has anyone asked what you're doing yet? 

No? Rats. Never mind.

Or how about that thing in movies where someone notices something odd from across the room, and moves closer to investigate?

Oh heck no, I know a Hell Mouth when I see one. [yelling through megaphone] BACK AWAY FROM THE CHOCOLATE CAKE.  ...AND LEAVE A FORK.

So remember, minions, tonight is all about keeping your cool. And if you DO see anything suspicious in your fridge:

Just do what I do: close the door and tell John we're getting pizza. In fact, your safest course is to do that ANYWAY, really. So go, save yourself! Eat pizza!

Thanks to Alacia E., T.B., Lucy M., Erin, I.B., & Tara U. for our weirdest excuse to get take-out yet. I can't wait to explain this one to John.

Oh, and if you need help convincing your SO the fridge is haunted, then I've got just the thing. Have you seen those magnetic poetry words? Well, it turns out there are soooo many more varieties beyond "poetry."

Magnetic Poetry Kit

There are more obscene options - and really sweet ones, too! - but "whoop ass" will never not be funny to me. Plus I'd invent a whole back story of a tiny belligerent ghost that lives in our crisper drawer and judges our food choices. Ha! Ohh, look out, John, I feel a new hobby coming on.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Barb E. asked for Navy icing:

She got it.

 

Cindy M. just wanted the initial "G" for her 14-year-old daughter - but I guess that was TOO simple?

 

Jen and Pete asked the bakery to include paper plates and plastic silverware.

 

Pauline ordered a cake that said, "I hate you for leaving!"

...but sure, that's close enough.

 

Holli T. wanted the number 10 written as a number: "you know, with double digits."

Part of me hopes Alexis gets a great nickname outta this.

 

Charli C. made the mistake of telling her bakery who the cake was for:

THANKS, GUYS.

 

And finally, Jared C. asked for rainbow sprinkles.

How do you mess up rainbow sprinkles?

Oh, like this:

Thanks to Barb E., Cindy M., Jen & Pete, Pauline R., Holli T., Charli C., & Jared C. for the head bangers.

*****

Let's keep the Failure celebration going! The Bloggess called this book "freaking hilarious," so that's enough for me:

Confessions of a Domestic Failure: A Book About A Not-So-Perfect Mom

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Happy Halloween, minions! Let’s go out with a bang, shall we? :D

Bakeries get a lot of leeway this time of year, since Halloween is supposed to have ugly gross stuff:

 

But there's raspberry jam soaked zombie faces, and then there's... uh... this:

Took me a solid minute to figure it out:

A banana shooting laser beams.

(I am SO GOOD AT THIS, you guys.)

 

Yep, bakers are once again trying to collectively punk the world, churning out ridiculous Halloween designs each more baffling than the last:

Aliens? Amoebas?
This guy?

 

I actually see this design a lot:

The angry toilet paper has sprouted arms, and is pulling itself to freedom.

 

While this roll vows revenge on airbrushes everywhere:

"I am not 'pretty,' I AM THE TERRIFYING TP! Here to WIPE you out! Mwuah-ha-haaawhy are you laughing?"

 

Next we have an ice cream swirl wearing a traffic cone about to be impaled by a trident.
Because if THAT doesn't say "Happy Halloween"... then don't worry 'cuz the board does:

 

For some reason ghost sperm are always a big seller this time of year:

They look kinda confused, though, right?
Like they can't tell if they're coming or going.

[HEYO.]

 

Also confused? Me, after looking at this thing:

They managed to get icing absolutely everywhere except on top of the cupcakes.
Now that's scary.

 

And finally, a possessed stove burner:

Because haunted appliances are SO hot right now.

("It burns. IT BURRRRNS!")

 Have fun tonight, gang! Remember, this is the one night of the year when it’s OK to have candy for dinner, so take FULL advantage.

There's a ghost of a chance Brittany D., Carrie, Ginny V., Karen S., Megan S., Karrie T., Jennifer K., Jennifer R., & Shannon T. will be ordering out tonight. You're welcome, ladies!

******

P.S. Today's TP ghost cakes led me to the best home accessory ever:

THIS, my friends, is a "Talking Toilet Paper Spindle." You record your own message, which it will play back when your guests spin the roll. [rubbing hands together evilly] I can't wait to use this baby at our next Christmas party.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Ann ordered a beach theme cake, and asked the baker to write "Happy Birthday Lorenzo" on the ocean part.

She got this:

...which has to be the first time a literal LOL actually pales in comparison to the butchered name of the birthday boy.

Seriously, how do you turn "Lorenzo" into "Boricua"?? That's only two correct letters! Out of seven! Why... what... HOW....? [head explodes]

Ahem.

 

When a house warming party turns ominous:

[whisper] "Geeeeet OOOOUUUUUTTT!"

 

Deb wants to know if she's the only one who sees a Pumpkin man wearing a fig leaf on this cake:

Dear Deb,

NOPE.

Signed,
Everyone.

 

This next one is a Sports Ball thing, so allow me to translate for my fellow sports neophytes: Apparently the Royals (a Sports Ball "team") are sometimes known as the "Boys in Blue."

But after today, that's not ALL they'll be known as:

HEYOOOOOOOOO

 

"VICTORIAN LACE"

Bakers, I do not think it means what you think it means.

 

And finally,

Ordering a company logo on a cake can be daunting, but luckily for Will R., the Michael Kors logo is literally just the letters MK.

And yet...

Where there's a Will, there's a way to wreck Will's manager's cake.

 

Thanks to Ann F., Brady T., Deb B., Sarah F., Terri C., & Will R. for giving his manager the perfect excuse to throw up his/her hands in disgust and cry, "I'M SURROUNDED BY LITTLE MK'S!"

*****

'Tis the season for PSLs, and now your furry friend can have one, too!

Starbarks Pumpkin Spice Latte Plush Toy

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Confession Time: as much as I love all the Sweets I feature, it's the kids' cakes that thrill me the most.

From classic childhood characters:

(By Alana Lily Chocolates & Cakes)

 

...to more modern favorites:

(By Sugar Top Cakes)

 

...to squee-inducing cuteness I just want to snuggle:

(By Bake-A-Boo)

MUST. RESIST. SNUGGLE URGE!

 

Then there are colorful, guitar-rockin' monsters:

(By Phoenix Cake Company)

 

Dapper little owls:

(By Eunice Cake Designs)

 

...and the sweetest bees you ever did see:

(By Frosted Indulgence)

Just looking at this makes me happy. :)

 

When I was very young my parents let me buy a Little Twin Stars stationary set from Epcot, and even though I had no idea who they were, I've loved the pastel pair ever since.

And this is the best Little Twin Stars cake I've ever seen:

(By The Bunny Baker)

Kids' cakes, schmids' cakes. I'll take this one for my next birthday, thx.

 

Or how about this drop dead gorgeous Tangled tower?

(By Sabz Cakes)

 

Oooh! Or this little yellow submarine?

(By Über Angel Cakes)

Complete with a cutie-patootie pink seahorse!

 

And finally, since you all know I have a soft spot for adorable robots:

(By Isabella's Sweet Tooth)

D'awwww.

Yep, this grown-up just wants kids' cakes from now on, guys. And I bet I'm not the only one, right?

 

Happy Sunday!

*****

And now that I’ve got Gonzo on the brain, OH MY GOSH LOOK HOW COOL!!!

The Great Gonzo Christmas Ornament

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

It's National Common Sense Day, minions, but how "common" is it, really? 

 Hmmm?

When your faith in reading comprehension is also (crooked) and (going down).

  Candice asked them to write Skye with an E.

Such a shame the baker didn't have enough room to write out "birthday."

OH WAIT

Kim wanted "2018 Angels" in the center.

Then Lisa asked for a picture of a 20 sided die:

There's something extra special about writing the word "picture" here, don't you think?

And finally, Sharla just wanted her name on the cake.

Oh, the pain.


Thank to Rob M., Candice B., Kim T., Lisa P., & Sharla, for those... fascinating... finds.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Katy P.'s father-in-law recently retired after 27 years with the fire department.

Naturally, his fellow fire fighters ordered an appropriately decorated cake to celebrate: 

(You know what my favorite part of this Fire Department Theme cake is? The balloons.)

Thanks to Katy for showing us how a cake order goes down in flames.

Also, I should probably point out the original firefighter themed cake from way back in 2008.  Still one of my favorites. -john (thoJ)

Fall is officially upon us here in Florida, as evidenced by the fact that it's a blustery 78 degrees outside tonight. (Don't worry; I've already broken out the scarves, sweaters, furry boots, and electric blanket, just to be safe.)

The other way you can tell it's Fall, though - besides all the Floridians in snowsuits - is the fall-tastical offerings in our nation's bakeries:

It's a...um...leaf. 

I think.

Theoretically I KNOW this isn't a Can-Can dancer lifting her skirts, but darned if I can see anything else.

Because nothing says, "MMAAAUUUURGGHHH!!!" like a Hay Beast with peek-a-boo breasticles.

 (HAY-O!)

 Well, except maybe the Bell-Bottomed Scare Bear of Perpetual Perplexity:

He's Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Stayin' Alive.

Oooh, and if your birthday happens to fall during Fall, then you also have these fun options:

Thanks to this cake and John's alarmingly comprehensive knowledge of slang words, I now know that "nut" is also a verb.

I don't recommend looking it up.

Here's one for our pyromaniac fans:

My deer, you are on FIRE tonight!

Also, I think I'd have that lump checked out. Just sayin'.

And finally, this bakery helpfully reminds us that Fall is "Harevet Time"

  So get those bunnies in for their yearly check-ups ASAP, hear?

Thanks to Kiki, Nancy M., Addie H., Sarah T., Bevin, Tanya S., & Shelley for the nice trips.

And now, as a service to our readers' dieting endeavors:

7 MORE Things That Should Never Be On Cake

7. Anything that looks like a spleen

Also, why is the spleen the go-to organ for icky descriptions? You never hear someone say, "Hey, that organesque thing sure looks like a gallbladder!" Which begs the questions: is "organesque" a word? 'Cuz if not, it totally should be.

6. Shrimp

Because shrimp.

5. Nipples

Hey, don't get me wrong; nipples are great. Heck, I even have one myself. But cake should not have nipples. It just shouldn't. And the fact that I had to bring that sentence into the world makes me seriously question the direction this country is going.

4. Ants

Because anything I spend time and money trying to kill should not be something I have to pick off my cake.

3. Actual Feathers Plucked From Actual Birds

Let me get this straight: you jammed real feathers into the icing you expect me to eat?

So how about I fetch a beaver pelt and throw that sucker on there, too? Because if there's one thing we've learned about cake decorating, it's that animal outsides are both appetizing and completely sanitary!

2. Mold

BAKERS WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

1. Back hair

Actually, this is kind of hilarious.

Assuming those are chocolate shavings, of course.

***

SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THOSE ARE CHOCOLATE SHAVINGS.

Thanks to wreckporters Kathryn B., Kerrigan W., Ashlee, Kelly G., Rocky J., Tami F., & Anony M. for the inspiration to just have a salad today.

I know we've all been tempted sometimes, minions, but these people actually did it.

UP TOP!

ON THE TRAY!

IN THE FLAY!

Er, flag. She meant flag. But I guess this works.

And extra credit to the teacher who did NOT tell her baker where to stick it, but instead handed over a notepad with all her kids' names on it, so the baker could just copy them on to the cake.

Sadly, the baker stuck it anyway:

Right where the sun won't shine!

(You know, because they're inside.)

Thanks to Annie, Trinity L., Kaye P., & Molly H. for teaching us all a lesson on following directions.

Also teachers, if you're looking for a new notepad, I'm really liking these:

Everything Is Fine Notepads

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

I don't have a specific theme for you today, unless maybe "cakes that made Jen squee like a little girl" is a theme.

Oh, it is?

EXCELLENT.

(By Scrum Diddly)

Whoah. That bottom layer is done in a "billow weave," and this is one of the best examples I've seen. (Here's a tutorial, if you want to learn.) Also love the off-center flowers & color choices; just a gorgeous composition over all.

Speaking of composition, how great is this cheery asymmetrical number?

(By Bellaria Cakes Design)

Such a simple change, but stacking the tiers like this makes an otherwise traditional design so much more fresh and modern!

Now, just so you know, I'm a sucker for balloons. And bright pastels. And pink bicycles with little gift-wrapped presents on them.

(By My Cake School, click for tutorial)

Squeee!

This is another one with a tutorial, so if you can pipe with royal icing candy melts, I bet you can make this yourself! You know, perhaps as a gift. For your favorite cake blogger. [winkwinknudgenudge]

One thing I love about Sweets is that I'm always learning new techniques. That said, I have no idea how this heart was made:

(By Magical Edible Art by Nadia)

That intricate geometric pattern taunts me, you guys. I MUST KNOW ITS SECRETS. Someone explain in the comments, please!

If you look closely at this next one, you'll see little creases that almost look like sheer fabric wrapped around the tiers:

(By For The Love Of Cake)

Such a great texture! And don't get me started on that incredible floral swag. So delicate. So perfect.

I am all abuzz for these sweet bee cookies:

(By Sweet Art Sweets)

SO CUTE. And here's a first: you can actually purchase them on Etsy!

Take an unexpected color combo, throw in some soft petal ruffles, top it off with STUNNING hibiscus flowers, and you get magic:

(By Cake Central member micialuna)

Perfection.

Will I ever get tired of tiny bunting & delicate floral swags?

(By Sarah Edwards Cakes, featured on Marry Me Ink.)

NUH-UH.

And I'll never get enough of sweet vintage-inspired designs like this, either:

(By Mina Bakalova)

Mint green and pink paired with wood planks and a skeleton key? Who would dream up a combo like that?

I'll tell you: a GENIUS, that's who.

And finally, the cake that launched a thousand Jen squeals:

(By Corrie Cakes)

The colors! The teeny flowers & butterflies! THE HAND-PAINTED FAWN!!

I never thought I'd advocate hanging cake photographs as art, but this should be a wall-sized mural somewhere. It's just so... happy.

Hope today's post made your Sunday a little sweeter, everyone! Happy weekend!

It may not be rain on your wedding day, but these cakes are still a little too ironic.

[grabbing microphone]

HIT IT!

 

It's like loving journalism

... but not kerning!

It's a "good job"

that needs some learning.

It's the winner's cake

that SHOULD be burning!

And who would have thought? It figures!

It's calling someone "dumb"

When you can't spell the word

It's trying to show you care

While giving a beautiful turd

Heh.

And isn't it ironic, don't you think?

Thanks to Tracey, Julie, Dorothy S., Tony W., & Stacey, who really DO think.

 *****

Hang on, you know what ELSE has delicious irony? A fully armed and operational battle station with an exposed exhaust port.

Death Star Waffle Iron

Thanks to this waffle iron, you can recreate the Death Star's catastrophic destruction every morning with butter and syrup. Nomz. Just remember: Use the forks.

Technically Veterans Day was yesterday here in the U.S., but since a lot of us get today off to celebrate, CELEBRATE WE SHALL.

Veterans Day is all about honoring those who have and are serving in our country's military. There are lots of great ways to do this:

This is not one of them.

Now, I happen to know that a fair number of military personnel read this blog - a fact I find both humbling and just a teensy bit alarming, since I'm not sure those who share my twisted sense of humor should have access to heavy artillery. (Holy Hand Grenade, anyone?) 

On the other hand, I do so enjoy all the e-mails with the giant "DECLASSIFIED" stamps on them.  Makes me feel all James Bond-ish, only in an American, hermit-girl-blogger kind of way.

So in your honor, my dear veterans, here are some patriotic cake designs that will surely bring a tear to your eyes.

 Tissue?

The underline is what really sells it.

Of course today is about you, the troops:

And as "Owl Troops" you deserve "Supott."

Because you are all "Hero's."

 And so we "honer" you, our "vetr ans."

Kind of like how we honor the flag, the symbol of this great nation:

Stirring.

No wait, I take that back: this Wreck leaves me shaken, not stirred. [ba dum bump!]

Some bakeries pipe their greetings on clear plastic sheets, which they then lay on top of the finished cakes. It's cheating, sure, but this way bakers can trace their messages or start over if they make a mistake.

Or just slap the plastic on anyway and call it a "Vetrans" day.

So remember, everyone: it is thanks to our veterans that we have the freedom to live in this great country, the United States...

 ...of Amercia?

Hang on, that doesn't sound right. Can we try that one again?

Muuuch better. 

(But who stole the corner piece?!)

Thanks to Eric H., Dave K., Sara B., Nikki G., Adria P., Tory L., Michael H., Christina R., Tara L., & Allyson H. for fully vetting today's wrecks.

I have TWO NEW T SHIRT DESIGNS up for pre-order! Click that graphic below if you agree that A) shit is fucked or B) people should be nice to you or C) all of the above. Thank you.

Brat Benatar

Clinton is helping

Hip and with it

Just butts and weenies as far as the eye can see

I wonder if I still have the extra-tough silly putty from when I had to do hand rehab. That shit was cool

eeeep

eggplant and peach emoji

watch out for leeches Ayo

just $9.99 per inch

eeeeee

haaaaaahhhh

A good day to be Willow

Hi Moray

Dutch angles, get it

Evan's never tried Dora's tea

banana

and Moray is Moray