I’m permanently estranged from my family.
Here’s what cats and dogs have taught me. by Lindsay Costello

From etymonline.com: estrange (v.) late 15c., from French estrangier “to alienate,” from Vulgar Latin *extraneare “to treat as a stranger,” from Latin extraneus “foreign, from without” (see strange). 

I am strange, I am alien, I am a stranger, I am without. Or maybe my family is. It’s difficult to say. Since 2019, I’ve been estranged from my entire family. I won’t bore (or titillate) you with the details of my decision to distance myself from them, but visualize a constellation of generational traumas—nearly every type represented—and you’ll have a general idea. Estrangement is, as the literature says, a last resort. It’s the truth. I never wanted this, but now I’m freer for it.

On most days, the peace of estrangement is one of the most powerful presences in my life. But during the chaotic final months of the year, it begins to feel like a gargantuan gaping wound that anyone—friends, coworkers, baristas—might spot if I’m not careful. People tend to flip out, or at least stare a little, when they see a gargantuan gaping wound. 

So I don’t discuss it. I listen intently as those around me describe their family’s political beliefs and their dad’s rude comments and their brother’s whatever-what-have-you and I share little in response. I frown. I say, “Ugh, that sucks.” And I do mean it.

My experience always feels different, though. For one thing, my calendar is suspiciously open during the holidays. This serves an interesting and unexpected purpose: As those around me saddle up for travel, family dinners, and gift exchanges, I’m available for pet sitting. The texts roll in.

Yes, I sometimes feel a knee-jerk sting when this happens, in the way that we all have those insidious automatic thoughts that have squished around in our brains for years or decades. You know the ones. Therapists and Instagram graphics attempt to unpack them with counter-thoughts: I am worthy. I am enough. And so on. But those few tenacious thoughts remain. The neurons fire and wire. Mine are:

I don’t have a family. Everyone else does, except me.

When I type that out, there is no resentment, just layers of sadness buried in a cavity that my partner Jeremy and my cat Spaghetti still can’t fill. Intellectually, I know these thoughts aren’t true. Many people are estranged from their families, and I do have a “chosen family”—I have Jeremy! Spaghetti! A small circle of friends! But without any biological family members in my life, there’s still a sharp loneliness, pointed and pronounced, that never goes away. The edges of it become crisper during the holidays. 

Back to the petsitting, though. Over time, I’ve noticed that the animals I form bonds with might also have something to teach me about navigating estrangement. (For the record, I’m not a mental health professional. But stay with me here.)

My first Christmas pet sitting charge was Fiddle, a large and docile orange man whose primordial pouch swayed like a porch swing as he strode aimlessly across the house. From Fiddle, I gleaned the first of many lessons on connection and self-preservation.

1. Don’t google your parents. (Or your sister, or your ex, or whoever it is you’ve made a concerted effort to get away from.) 

a. Animals can’t google, especially sweet, simple-minded angels like Fiddle. This one is a no-brainer. Googling your parents, who will, undoubtedly, still have no internet presence, is the quickest ticket to a night-long spiral. Plus, there are few things on this planet more depressing than searching online for your deadbeat dad’s handyman business. Don’t do it.

Then came Frank, a dapple dachshund with dark eyes and ears that flapped out like soft wings when he flopped over on his back in the living room. Frank is a snuggly dog who asks that one hand be petting him at all times. He also likes to wake with the sunrise.

2. Make your own rituals and stick to them with dogged (ugh) determination.

a. One year, curled up in a pit of sadness, I asked an estrangement-related subreddit for advice on what to do during the holidays. I feel for you, elderberry42289, some kind soul wrote. I recommend finding a routine and sticking to that for your sanity. Also, could you come up with something cool to do every holiday season? Something all your own?

b. This message was reaffirmed by Frank, who sticks to his rituals and appreciates all the sensory pleasures life has to offer. If Frank were a human, I think he would take himself to the movies and a fancy dinner every Christmas day.

Before I met Dorothy, I thought I’d experienced the full spectrum of anger, marinating in all the emotion had to offer. This was not true. Dorothy’s capacity for disdain topped anything I’d ever felt before. She is a one-eared cat who hisses at nothing—the television, my hand in a bag of chips, the sky. She is also dark and slinky, making her contemptuous behavior seem kind of cool.

3. Go outside. 

a. I knew better than to argue with Dorothy, who insisted upon patrolling the outside world despite hostile forces like coyotes and cars in the neighborhood. And so out she went, and came back, still intact (minus the missing ear). 

b. Unfortunately, the news is true. Going for a walk (or even, like, to the mailbox) helps when those insidious automatic thoughts start to conspire against you. Just do it, you’ll be fine.

Here’s a lesson I’ve taken from every pet I’ve cared for:

4. Eat whatever the fuck you want. 

a. You’re (probably) not a licensed nutritionist, you’re someone with family trauma who is attempting to navigate the holiday season. Eating whatever, whenever, is clearly what dogs dream of. You are not a dog. You are an adult with some funds and a ride to Safeway. Act accordingly.

And finally,

5. Make sure that you aren’t alone. Alternate strategy: believe that you’re not alone.

In a season that emphasizes togetherness and companionship, I am one person musing on the tiny universes of cats and dogs. Maybe these reflections seem a little trite, even pathetic. But I don’t think that they are. 

The entire objective of pet sitting is to care for small guys who cannot care for themselves. Central to that relationship is an applicable truth: When I am experiencing something emotionally traumatic, I can treat myself with special attention, too. 

Sometimes that means asking for help or camaraderie. But maybe I am not in the mood to be social. Maybe I’m having a Dorothy day. That’s fine—because even when I’m isolated and furious and sad, I’m not alone. Not really. Embedded in that core belief is every creature that’s trusted me.

The court gave authorities time till November 22 for demonstrating concrete action on removal of encroachments

Fr. Stephen reflects on the monastic cave in which St. John of Damascus dwelt and compares it to the "cave" of our heart.

We move on from the seven messages of the exalted Jesus, to see, through John’s eyes, the wonder of heavenly worship. Revelation 4 is in harmony with Old Testament Visions such as Isaiah 6, Ezekiel 1, and Daniel 7, but suggests in its astonishing detail that God’s presence among us had been deeply enhanced through the actions of the Living One, Who was, and is, and is to come. The significance of thanksgiving as an essential characteristic of our service and worship is modeled for us by the hosts of heaven, both human and angelic.

Fr. Ted speaks to the need for children to be raised in the House of God, and addresses the challenges that parents of young children face when they come to Church.

Father Roberto reflects on a moment that he shared with a woman who visits the mission.

Fr. Pat discusses the quotation of the prophecy of Isaiah in Matthew 4.

The government has taken control of a decision over 8000 new homes near Sittingbourne.

Iowa City, IA – Police work is mostly sedentary, with officers likely to be more active on their days off than while working, according to a new study from the University of Iowa.

Perth, Australia – Promoting activity in the workplace can help reduce sitting time, but not by much among workers with fixed schedules, according to a new study from Curtin University.

New York — Sitting while watching TV may be more harmful to your cardiovascular health than sitting at work, researchers from Columbia University’s Vagelos College of Physicians and Surgeons suggest.

Leicester, England — Researchers in England have developed a program they say can, when paired with a height-adjustable desk, reduce office workers’ sitting time by more than an hour a day.

London, Ontario — Employers can help workers avert the harmful effects of prolonged sitting on the job by taking an active role in changing their sedentary habits, a recent study shows.

Taipei City, Taiwan — Workers who spend most of their workday in a chair have a 34% higher risk of death from cardiovascular disease and a 16% higher risk from all causes of death than workers who don’t sit, according to a new study out of Taipei Medical University.

Warren Buffett is now sitting on more than $325 billion cash after continuing to unload billions of dollars worth of Apple and Bank of America shares this year and continuing to collect a steady stream of profits from all of Berkshire Hathaway’s assorted businesses without finding any major acquisitions.

Longer sitting times were associated with higher levels of heart disease risk among overweight and obese post-menopausal women overall, according to new research published today in the Journal of the American Heart Association, the open access journal of the American Heart Association.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going! In this hour, stories of moving through discomfort—grief, revisiting painful history, stepping outside our safe spaces—and how it shapes us. This episode is hosted by Moth Senior Director Meg Bowles. The Moth Radio Hour is produced by The Moth and Jay Allison of Atlantic Public Media.

Storytellers:

Stephanie Wittels Wach tries to understand her brother's struggle.

Wes Hazard takes us behind the scenes of Jeopardy!

Introvert Sufian Zhemokov has strict rules about talking to strangers.

Brigette Jones is determined to become a tour guide at Belle Meade Plantation.

There appeared to be a definite frost between first lady Jill Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris during a Veterans Day event at Arlington National Cemetery on Monday. A close-up […]

The post Footage of Jill Biden and Kamala Harris Sitting Side-by-Side at Veterans Day Event Goes Viral appeared first on The Western Journal.

[Parliament of South Africa] Parliament, Tuesday, 12 November 2024 - The National Assembly (NA) will hold a plenary session scheduled to start at 10:00. Among the items on the agenda from 10:00 to 13:00 is the statement by the Minister of Water and Sanitation on water security in the country and a debate on 16 Days of Activism for no violence against women and children. The debate will be held under the theme, "Marking 30 years of democratic rights for women and fostering national unity to end gender-based violence".

As voters across the United States head to the polls on Election Day, many face “a choice between two unsatisfactory candidates,” says Democracy Now! co-host Juan González. This choice is especially “excruciating” for those “who are outraged by our government’s continued support for Israel’s yearlong genocidal assault on Gaza.” He says the 2024 election has echoes of 1968, when many progressives sat out the election because of anger over Vietnam, but Richard Nixon’s victory and ultimate expansion of the war proved to be disastrous. “It would take many years for some of us to realize we had made a big mistake in sitting out that election. … Making these decisions at the time of election may be difficult but sometimes necessary to do to open up the way for possible change in the future.

Sitting for too long? Your chair could be harming your health. Move more and don't let prolonged sitting sabotage your overall well-being. With long

A 6-year-old Mongolian boy who was suffering from a brain tumor was successfully treated by doctors. The tumor was more than five centimeter in size. The

SECRETARY GENERAL: Sir, I have to report the following message received from the Secretary General of Rajya Sabha:

“In accordance with the provisions of rule 127 of the Rules of Procedure and Conduct of Business in the Raya Sabha, I am directed to inform the Lok Sabha that the Rajya Sabha at its sitting held on the 4th December, 2019, agreed without any amendment to the National Capital Territory of Delhi (Recognition of Property Rights of Residents in Unauthorised Colonies) Bill, 2019 which was passed by the Lok Sabha at its sitting held on the 28th November, 2019.”          

A division bench of the Kerala High Court will hold a special sitting on Sunday to consider issues pertaining to the transport of Keralites from acros

Dozens of massive president heads sit in a field in Virginia, waiting for a new home in a museum.

A huge oil reserve under the western part of the state is drawing interest, according to reports.

Go ahead and have a seat. New research says it's not the sitting that's the problem.

Our Xbox crew gives in-depth impressions of Gears 5's multiplayer as well as Borderlands 3. Plus: a surprising departure at Bethesda/Zenimax, a bit more on the next Resident Evil project, and the awesomeness that is Banjo and Kazooie appearing in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.

Event-related desynchronization and synchronization (ERD/S) and movement-related cortical potential (MRCP) play an important role in brain-computer interfaces (BCI) for lower limb rehabilitation, particularly in standing and sitting. However, little is known about the differences in the cortical activation between standing and sitting, especially how the brain's intention modulates the pre-movement sensorimotor rhythm as they do for switching movements. In this study, we aim to investigate the decoding of continuous EEG rhythms during action observation (AO), motor imagery (MI), and motor execution (ME) for standing and sitting. We developed a behavioral task in which participants were instructed to perform both AO and MI/ME in regard to the actions of sit-to-stand and stand-to-sit. Our results demonstrated that the ERD was prominent during AO, whereas ERS was typical during MI at the alpha band across the sensorimotor area. A combination of the filter bank common spatial pattern (FBCSP) and support vector machine (SVM) for classification was used for both offline and pseudo-online analyses. The offline analysis indicated the classification of AO and MI providing the highest mean accuracy at 82.73$pm$2.38\% in stand-to-sit transition. By applying the pseudo-online analysis, we demonstrated the higher performance of decoding neural intentions from the MI paradigm in comparison to the ME paradigm. These observations led us to the promising aspect of using our developed tasks based on the integration of both AO and MI to build future exoskeleton-based rehabilitation systems.

Sue Prince turned to house-sitting when her home was repossessed but advocates say the trend could be hiding the true picture of homelessness in Australia.

A council on Sydney's southern outskirts calls for changes to bushfire evacuation planning after thousands of people were left like "sitting ducks" in a 15-kilometre traffic jam, as a major blaze threatened the area.

The lawyer for asthmatic prisoner Mark Rowson tells a court his client should be immediately released from Port Phillip Prison, if authorities cannot mitigate the risk of a coronavirus outbreak in the prison system.

Maggots were found in the mouth of a patient with advanced dementia by visiting family members, the Royal Commission into Aged Care sitting in WA has been told.

Angry protesters have called for the sacking of the Federal Water Minister and hurled an effigy of him sitting on a toilet into the Murray River.

The standard of care provided to an elderly man, often found in soiled pants, at a regional Queensland aged care facility was so appalling even his own granddaughter was too distressed to visit, the royal commission into aged care hears.

A new study released by researchers from the United Kingdom found that for every extra hour a teen spent inactive, there was an eight percent to 11 percent increase in depression later in life. However, there was some good news in the report as well. If a teen increased their physical activity, even just by one hour, it cut their risk of depression by about ten percent. A teen that increased their physical activity by two hours cut the risk by 20 percent.

The researchers also found that just light to moderate physical activity could do the trick. Everyday things like walking at school or home, running errands, and even standing to talk to someone can make a difference. If you feel you should increase your physical activity for your own mental health, try having stretch breaks, always take the stairs, do a few chores, play an instrument, or even just stand at a desk while doing your homework.

Say goodbye to your uncomfortable wooden chair for good. READ MORE...

Amid a public health emergency, it's unconscionable for California to allow dozens of state-owned homes to stay empty.

KEEPER Scott Bain says Dundee’s dressing room was “upbeat” after they slumped to the foot of the table last weekend.

LORD OF THE RINGS Gollum actor Andy Serkis has announced he will read JRR Tolkien's The Hobbit in one sitting live online for charity.