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Margaret Thatcher's ability to kick off what Mrs Merton used to call a heated debate, is apparent on today's front pages.

The Sun has commissioned a poll of Britain's favourite prime ministers. "Maggie wins again!" it cries. Margaret Thatcher pushes Churchill into second place, and Clement Attlee can only manage 5%, behind Tony Blair and Harold Wilson.

In the YouGov poll of 1,893 adults, poor old Ted Heath and David Cameron finish with nil points. Pitt the younger doesn't get a look in either although that's because the poll confines itself to post-war leaders.

The Times strikes a conciliatory note. "Royal respect as Queen leads Thatcher mourners." The paper says that whatever misgivings the Queen may have had about Thatcherism have been put to one side. "The conjecture that the Queen was fundamentally opposed to much of what her longest-serving prime minister stood for will be forgotten in the significance of the moment."

"Operation True Blue: Thatcher funeral in security clampdown," warns the Guardian about fears that the funeral service may foment civic unrest and terrorist attacks.

The ipaper risks not only spreading alarm and confusion but enraging pedants. "Britain at war over Thatcher funeral". Erm, tanks on the streets, pitched battles? Oh, not literally.

The Daily Mirror goes in hard but with better grammar. "The £10m goodbye. Why is Britain's most divisive Prime Minister getting a ceremonial funeral fit for a Queen?"

It may not come as a total surprise to find that the Daily Mail is angry. Very angry. "The flames of hatred: 30 years of Left wing loathing for Lady T explodes in sick celebrations of her death." (There's also a medium range ballistic missile launched from page 10 at the good people of this parish...)

The Daily Telegraph tries to calm things down. "No gushing hysteria, just quiet, dignified respect" is the headline over Michael Deacon's report from Finchley, the Iron Lady's constituency for 33 years. A local recalls how she had a soft spot for a bar called Cheers.

"She would pop in and have a drink. Denis would have gin and tonic and I think she would have a glass of wine...She was very approachable and friendly." It's cosy and sepia tinted, like the credits of Coronation Street relocated to prosperous middle class suburbia.

But amidst all the gentle colour, the writer can't resist one pot shot at those celebrating Thatcher's death. "For those who insist that Left-wing ideology is motivated above all by compassion for others, this must be a difficult week." Ouch!

Which leaves one paper not doing Thatcher on its front page. Come in Daily Express, your taste for bathos knows no bounds. (Yes, even the Daily Star splashes on the funeral costs). "Gel to wipe out arthritic pain" runs the headline.

And on that bombshell...

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Sometimes an incongruous detail is all you need for a great story. Like putting Madonna and Gary Neville in the same headline.

"Madonna's very rude...Gary Neville has equally dazzling stature but better manners", goes the Daily Mirror headline.

The story is badged "It's Official" suggesting there may be an element of tongue in cheek. As might the picture of Neville wearing an England tracksuit, captioned "Dazzler", on one side of the page with Madge in a Panama hat on the other.

The paper reports that the Malawian government made an "astonishing attack" on the US artiste after she visited her charity in the southern African country last week.

The reason for the spat remains vague. The paper reports that she was "left fuming after being snubbed by president Joyce Banda and having to queue with economy passengers at the airport as she flew out of the capital Lilongwe".

The government statement accuses her of wanting Malawi "to be for ever chained to the obligation of gratitude".

Other papers note though that the government diatribe follows the sacking of the president's sister as head of Raising Malawi, Madonna's charity there.

But the story's real joy is in the ill-assorted mix of celebs the government lists.

"It is worth making her aware that Malawi has hosted many international stars, including Chuck Norris, Bono, David James, Rio Ferdinand and Gary Neville who have never demanded state attention or decorum despite their equally dazzling stature."

Paper Monitor guesses that the Mirror subs had a little chat about which of the three footballers to pair with Madge in the headline.

Which would jar most incongruously next to the "Queen of Pop"? Somehow, ineffably, Gary Neville wins every time.

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

If you're a woman, it may be worth reading the Times before getting dressed this morning.

The paper reports how Professor Jean-Denis Rouillon, an academic at the University Hospital of Besancon in eastern France, has broken the post-war consensus.

Bras may not be necessary for holding up breasts. Or "norks" as Carol Midgley calls them in her commentary.

The Frenchman tracked 320 women's breasts over 15 years. I'll bet he did, a wag might mutter.

"Our first results validate the hypothesis that the bra is a false need," the professor says, adopting a most unpage 3 lexicon.

"Medically, physiologically and anatomically, the breast derives no benefit from being deprived of gravity. If it is, the tissues that support it are going to decline and the breast will progressively suffer damage."

Prof Rouillon is not one to shirk the detail. He notes that after a year of not wearing a bra, the nipples of women aged between 18 and 35 rose by 7mm on average.

Older and underweight women might need a bra but for the young it could be damaging, he argues in a technocratic idiom that comes naturally to a Francophone scientist.

"If a woman puts on a bra when her breasts first appear, the suspensory apparatus does not work properly and tissues of the bra distend."

It's left to Midgely to shoot his theory down with some anecdotal evidence of a less professorial tone. "Going without them gives you backache, a dowager's hump and the impression that two labrador puppies are tussling under your jumper."

Paper Monitor, who cannot confirm or deny the presence of a bra about its person, is keeping an open mind until Monsieur Rouillon's full research is published.

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The electronic Daily Telegraph is now behind a paywall. Paper Monitor has effected an old-school breach of that wall - buying a copy of the actual paper.

It's almost like going undercover. Reading an actual paper edition of a newspaper.

Page two has the gratifying news that Carol Vorderman's nose is better. She fell down and broke it. She did not have a nose job. That was speculation.

Page six reveals that cheats in school games are copying footballers. For clarity, in Telegraphland a common equation is footballers=bad.

But you have to wait until page 11 for the really serious news.

"Here's to you, Mrs Robinson. Why more 40-somethings are dating younger men".

That's the headline. And there's a massive picture of Helen McCrory. Massive.

The anchor on the same page is Catherine Deneuve saying flat shoes are sexier than "twisted" and impossible high heels.

Further on there's a leader. It quotes the Song of Solomon.

Oh, to wear one's erudition so lightly.

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

There's crime stories. And then there's quirky crime stories.

The Daily Telegraph headline gives you a clue that this is a nice, light story about how crime doesn't pay.

"Happiness is... a burglar wasting three days for pouch of tobacco."

The ne'er-do-well spent three nights chiselling away at the wall of Medway Motorcycles in Rochester to make a hole big enough to squeeze into. Finally he breached the 2ft-thick wall. The high performance bikes were to be his. And then he realised he'd forgotten about the alarm.

"One false move towards the bikes would have sent the alarm ringing," the paper reports. "So the thief crept up to the first floor instead, looking for items to steal."

In the end he left with just a packet of rolling tobacco worth £3.

"When I got here the next morning the place was in a right state but all I can see he has nicked is my Golden Virginia," the owner says.

The proprietor's surname is Eastwood. If only he'd caught the burglar in the act.

Imagine the scene, burglar holding the Golden Virginia, Eastwood - first name Jez but we'll gloss over that - reaching for his pretend, concealed .44 Magnum: "You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

It took Paper Monitor a while to work out the happiness allusion of the headline.

A clue - it depends how many TV ads you remember from the 1980s that used Bach's Air on a G string to conjure up plumes of sensuous tobacco smoke. Answers to the usual place.

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Hair we go again. Sorry, Paper Monitor couldn't resist.

Yes, it's another hair story, and yes, there's a picture of Jennifer Aniston.

This time, however, the Daily Mail reports that the Friends star has finally fallen out of favour. At least, her hairstyle has anyway.

It says a survey on the best onscreen hairstyles reveals her locks are no longer the most influential.

"Sorry, Jen... Anne's top of the crops," is its headline, revealing that Anne Hathaway's crowning glory has outshone the competition.

The elfin cut was first sported in the 2011 adaptation of David Nicholls's hit novel One Day. But it was her Oscar-winning turn in Les Miserables, as Fantine, which saw her cut it off for an extended period.

The actress was said to be "inconsolable" after the chop so it's quite a turnaround.

For those interested in which other celebrities made the cut, Miss Aniston's long curly style in Along Came Polly was in second place. And Audrey Hepburn's "up do" from 1963 film Charade in third.