Rock, a colorful new quartzite recreation in glazed porcelain, uses HD Technology for a natural effect.

Local brewers describe the secret ingredients that put their beers in the holiday spirit. by Joe Streckert

Every year around November, beer aisles and bottle shops get seasonal. Winter ales appear on the shelves right around the time frost starts appearing on the ground. 

Winter beers aren’t any one thing. Holiday brews are more of a feeling than a prescribed list of ingredients or techniques. The closest thing the beer world has to “official” rules about beer styles is the Beer Judge Certification Program guidelines. The most recent version of the guidelines advises beer judges to “think more about the declared concept than trying to detect each individual ingredient. Balance, drinkability, and execution of the theme are the most important deciding factors” when evaluating winter beers.

In other words, when professional beer judges evaluate a winter beer, they go by vibes.

“For me it’s a cozy beer,” says Jess Hardie, the head brewer and co-founder of TPK Brewing Company. “Something you want to snuggle up with like a blanket.”

“Seasonal beers can range greatly,” says Lee Perry, the event director for the Portland Holiday Brew Fest. “It can be a real mix of whatever brewers are feeling.”

That being said, there are some common features that give a beer that wintertime feeling.

“For me a winter beer is a bigger, maltier, warm-you-up style of ale. They tend to be a little bit darker and a little less hoppy and higher in alcohol,” says Jake Elder, the brewer and co-founder of Lazy Days Brewing. 

For Elder, beers that focus less on hops and more on malt give him an opportunity to break out the spices and get creative with flavors beyond just hops.

Winter is when beers get loaded up with spices, however adding Christmastime spices and flavorings to beer isn’t some kind of craft brew innovation or cute novelty. According to Edler, adding flavor to beer with whatever brewers had available is a long tradition. A tradition that’s even older than adding hops to beer.

“Hops have been a relatively new phenomenon,” says Elder. “Relatively new” here means only a few centuries. Elder estimates that hops only go back about three or four hundred years. Prior to that, spice blends were more popular for adding bitterness or other flavors to brews. Elder specifically names nutmeg, allspice, and mace as common and longstanding flavorings to beer, all of which are popular in holiday brews to this day.

“Pretty much anything that was used in a spice rack was used in a beer,” says Elder. Maltier beers, says Elder, can taste unbalanced or unfinished on their own. Adding additional flavoring agents can round the beer out and make it more palatable. Darker, maltier wintertime beer provide a ready template for brewers who are ready to evoke wintertime feelings with whatever flavoring agents they have on hand.

Kora and Hardie go beyond the spice rack for their wintertime flavors. Kora adds palo santo wood to one of his porters to create a woody, aged flavor that he says “tastes like a thin mint.” He notes that it’s one of his more popular beers and he makes it available year round. Hardie will add ingredients like Belgian candi sugar, cinnamon, and Mexican cocoa to her beers to make them sweeter and more distinctive.

That being said, hops aren’t entirely absent from the holiday parties. Oregon’s favorite (or maybe most divisive) beer style, the IPA, still shows up plenty in the winter, and other hoppy beers make appearances at seasonal brew festivals. 

Hardie made a black rye IPA that she sees as a wintertime brew. “I would still consider that a winter beer because the rye was so forward,” she says. It clocked in at about 68 IBUs and 6.5% ABV, which Hardie puts on the lower end of the alcohol spectrum for holiday ales. But: “It still had that roasty-toasty flavor that I want in a winter beer,” Hardie says.

According to Elder, winter IPAs tend to lean on hops that give the beers what he calls “Christmas tree flavors”: Notes of spruce and pine needles can make a hoppy beer feel like a holiday one, and he calls out Sierra Nevada’s Celebration IPA as a good example of popular beer that gets its holiday flavors from hops rather than spices. It’s pine-forward and is marketed as a seasonal beer while also retaining the ever-salable identity of IPA.

Perry notes that several of the beers at the Portland Holiday Brew Fest are fresh hop IPAs. December is at the very tail end of the fresh hop season in Oregon, but it’s close enough that juicy, fruity IPAs can just barely be in season when snow begins to fall.

Winter beers also aren’t strictly limited to ales.

“Winter ales are a lot quicker to turn over and get into the market,” says Kora. Lagers generally take longer to brew. That means they also take more planning, take up space in a brewery for a longer period of time, and are more of a logistical issue for brewers. But Kora notes that it is possible to brew lagers like bocks and pilsners that include holiday flavors.

Kora also notes that lagers have a reputation for being not as flavorful, interesting, or high in alcohol as ales. But, he says, that’s a misconception. “Lagers can be just as formidable as ales,” he says. According to him, an enterprising brewer can create a lager that evokes holiday feelings just as much as a smoky, barrel-aged porter might.

Winter ales tend to stay drinkable long after the Christmas decorations have been packed up. Alcohol is a preservative and the higher ABV in a lot of seasonal brews means that the flavors can stick around even into the next holiday season and beyond.

“Winter ales age really well,” says Kora. He notes that as long as high ABV beers are kept at fifty degrees or lower they stay drinkable and can develop in interesting ways.

“Winter beers can change over time and age out really well. They can be really different beers in six months or so and become quite tasty.” Long after the holidays are over, a little bit of Christmas can linger on in your beer fridge, ready with holiday cheer any time of year.

• The Spice is Right from Lazy Days Brewing: A 6.7% spiced chocolate porter with flavor notes that wouldn’t be out of place in a pumpkin pie or spiced eggnog. 

• Nightfall of Diamonds from Zoiglhaus and Ecliptic: This 7.6% imperial porter is a collaboration between two breweries, blending toffee and coffee flavors with orange and chocolate. It’s not marketed as a seasonal beer per se, but it tastes a lot like one of those chocolate oranges sold around the holidays.

• Yippee-KI-PA from Baerlic: A winter IPA based on everyone’s favorite Christmas action movie. This 7.2% seasonal offering is less about overwhelming bitterness and more about a rounded, roasty flavor that goes well with Christmas trees or exploding office buildings.

• Peregrin Palo Santo Porter from Montavilla Brew Works: A dark porter aged in Peruvian Palo Santo wood with hints of minty sweetness.

A roundup of the best holiday sweets and snacks for your festivities. by Martha Daghlian

Throughout centuries of human civilization, people have sought out ways to combat the darkness and cold temperatures of winter: from ancient temples that aligned with the rising solstice sun to the ceremonial burning of symbolic fir trees, we have devised many strategies to brighten up the longest season. But perhaps the best solution to the winter doldrums is to have a little treat? Cultures all around the world have invented their own special cookies, cakes, and sweets to be enjoyed at this time of year, and we’ve rounded up some of our faves that are available right here in Portland!

Fancy Cake Thinks it’s a Tree

Arguably the most iconic of Christmas desserts, the bûche de noël (or yule log) predates current “is it cake” fads by well over a century. Traditionally made with light sponge cake rolled around a rich filling and adorned with cute meringue mushrooms, this whimsical faux tree echoes the ancient Celtic tradition of burning a ceremonial log at Winter Solstice and really amps up the classic holiday aesthetic. Don’t have a spare 57 hours and a background in French pastry? Let the professionals at Pix Patisserie take care of all your bûche needs with one of their glossy high concept stumps, available to order through December. Pix Patisserie, 2225 E Burnside, pixpatisserie.com

Baklava Just Like
Grandma Used to Make

Within the Armenian-American side of my family, baklava—a buttery, syrupy nut-and-phyllo pastry popular across the Mediterranean, Central/West Asian, and North African regions—is a mandatory holiday treat. I grew up on my grandmother’s recipe, which calls for walnuts only (no pistachios, thank you), an entire pound of clarified butter, NO cinnamon (how dare you even suggest it!), and a sneaky splash of bourbon, presumably a modern twist added by grandma. But TBH, I haven’t met a baklava I didn’t love, and there are a few particularly strong ready-made contenders here in Portland: World Foods Market, with locations in the Pearl and on Barbur Boulevard, makes a few varieties of baklava and similar pastries, all of which are exquisite (even with pistachios). 

Sophisticated Citrus

It’s a serendipitous fact that winter is not only a season for feasting on rich foods, it’s also the time of year when bright, refreshing citrus is at its peak. Who doesn’t love a bowl of oranges at a holiday party? In addition to enjoying fresh citrus fruit straight up (my favorite is the dekopon or sumo mandarin), there are all sorts of fancy things you can make with the help of our zesty friends: fresh grapefruit mimosas, traditional pomander balls (that’s when you poke a ton of little holes in an orange and shove a whole dried clove in each one, creating a spicy little air freshener that also kind of looks like a medieval weapon as it slowly dries up throughout the winter), hot toddies with tons of lemon. If you really want to impress your friends, try making your own candied citrus peel—it’s like a grown up version of those fruit slice gummy candies! 

Candied Citrus Peel

Cut the peel from a bunch of citrus fruits (make sure not to include any of the white part!) into strips. Blanch them three times (that means placing them in a saucepan, covering with water, and boiling for five minutes, then you’ll drain and boil them for five more minutes in fresh water, then do the same thing one more time). Then, cover them with a 1:1 mixture of water and granulated sugar. Bring to a boil, then simmer for 40-60 minutes over low heat. They should become soft and a little translucent at the edges. Drain and place on a drying rack until cool (put some foil or parchment underneath to catch any drips). Once they are dry, you can toss them in sugar for a sparkly and crunchy coating.

Candied citrus peel makes a super classy garnish for fancy desserts, and can also be used in cake and muffin recipes. Or just snack on them in between all the cookies for a “healthy” treat—it’s fruit, isn’t it??

Sticky Sweets for Lunar New Year

Lunar New Year may still be a little ways off, but I’m already planning what I’ll bring to the annual party our friends throw to celebrate this traditional East Asian holiday. A lot of the foods associated with Lunar New Year celebrations symbolize some specific kind of luck that one might hope to attract in the coming months. Noodles, dumplings, fish, and citrus all connect in some way to ideas including longevity, wealth, and unity. But in my humble opinion, treats featuring sticky rice are the star of the show. This time around, I plan to visit Li Min Bakery at 81st and SE Division, and Shop Halo Halo on 50th and SE Woodstock, for traditional nian gao (sticky rice cakes) and moon cakes filled with sweet bean paste. Lin Min’s Bakery & Bistro, 8615 SE Division; Shop Halo Halo, 4981 SE Woodstock, STE 2, shophalohalo.com

Rad Rugelach

My first encounter with rugelach was at an elementary-school friend’s house, where her mom taught us to make this classic holiday cookie, originally dreamed up hundreds of years ago by Jewish bakers in Poland. Wait, is it a cookie? Or is it a pastry? You know what, I don’t care… all I know is it comes in lots of different flavors (Apricot! Raspberry! Chocolate!) and its twisty little crescent-moon shape really spices up a cookie plate. Like many delicious wintertime snacks, they do take a bit of effort to make at home, so if you’re short on time you might want to check out Henry Higgins Bagels, which contrary to their name, also serves up rugelach, babka, and challah on the regular. Henry Higgins Boiled Bagels, multiple locations, hhboiledbagels.com

Scandinavian-Style Snacks

If this list of festive treats still isn’t enough for you, mark your calendars for the 40th annual Scan Fair! This massive event, hosted by Nordic Northwest at the Oregon Convention Center December 7 and 8, is inspired by traditional Scandinavian Christmas markets. Think traditional singing and dancing, cozy knitwear, and tons of delicious sweets, snacks, and drinks–basically a massive party to brighten up the dark wintertime with some serious hygge. My most trusted Scandinavian treat advisor suggests loading up on Æbleskiver (little round pancakes, often served with lingonberry jam), pickled herring, and glögg (spiced wine punch). Scan Fair runs Dec. 7-8 at the Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE MLK Jr, get your tickets and find more info at nordicnorthwest.org/scanfair 

Nothing says “you’re cool” like the gift of vinyl. by Jenni Moore

The holidays are a great time to support your loved one’s passions (read: greatest obsessions) by splurging on vinyl copies of their favorite albums and cult classic soundtracks. Selected from my home record collection, my own Christmas list, and some that I’ve had fun wrapping up as gifts, here are eight vinyl releases that make great gifts for the holidays in 2024.

1. 
Cowboy Carter & Homecoming:
The Live Album, Beyoncé 

For a while, Beyoncé only made special edition cover versions of Cowboy Carter available for purchase—I have one such copy—but today you can buy the classic cover version with that iconic image of Bey as the blonde-haired rodeo queen holding the American flag on horseback at places like Target and Amazon. If the Beyoncé fan in your life isn’t the biggest fan of Cowboy Carter (for whatever stupid reason), consider splurging on Homecoming: The Live Album, so your loved one can enjoy the Queen’s world-stopping Coachella performance that sees her slay nearly two hours of back-to-back hits from her three-decade career—Destiny’s Child reunion included—even when the internet goes out. The Homecoming vinyl includes four LPs that are enclosed in double-sided artwork sleeves, and the box set also comes with a 52-page booklet featuring stunning album artwork, which alone is worth the purchase.

2.
Wicked: The Soundtrack

We have full-body chills from the sneak listen of “Defying Gravity” in the Wicked theatrical trailers. As someone whose musical theater beginnings were shaped by the original cast soundtrack, the fact that the movie roles of Elphaba (Cynthia Erivo) and Glinda (Ariana Grande) are being played by two megastar performers in their prime is comforting. Nearing EGOT status and only missing an Oscar, Cynthia Erivo is a stunning talent whether she’s slaying roles like Aretha Franklin, Harriet Tubman, or Celie in a Broadway revival of The Color Purple. And Ariana Grande has more than proven herself as a top tier vocalist—just watch her concert doc Excuse Me, I Love You for the receipts. These are two women who could sing the phonebook (do those still exist?) and make it Grammy worthy. I can’t wait to hear how the two interpret songs like “Popular,” “Defying Gravity,” and how their voices blend on those iconic Wicked harmonies. Sadly, we’ll have to wait for the second film (to be released in November 2025) to hear this cast’s versions of favorite tracks like ”Thank Goodness,” “As Long As You’re Mine,” and of course, the heartfelt duet finale “For Good.” Available exclusively at Target and dropping November 22, the same day the movie hits theaters, we already know the first volume of the Wicked soundtrack is worth buying for the musical theater kid in your life. (For the Wicked purest or skeptics of the new cast, consider acquiring a vinyl copy of the original cast recording featuring Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel.) 

3.
Merry Christmas, Mariah Carey

As far as Christmas albums go, you can’t lose with 1994’s classic Merry Christmas from Mariah Carey, which is basically synonymous with the period between Thanksgiving and Christmas. While “All I Want for Christmas Is You” tends to get a lot of the attention, there’s a reason MC’s album is one of the most acclaimed Christmas albums of all time; Mariah’s at her vocal peak on her renditions of songs like “O Holy Night,” “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home),” “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town,” and gospel tracks “Joy to the World,” and “Jesus (Oh What A Wonderful Child).”

4.
The Rise And Fall of a Midwest Princess, Chappell Roan

For the pop-loving progressivist and campy music fan in your life, get your hands on Chappell Roan’s debut, which clearly pulls aesthetic influences from the drag world, and sonic influences from 1980s synth-pop. The cinematic album depicts the artist’s journey of falling in queer love for the first time, and includes highlights like “Red Wine Supernova,” “Hot to Go!,” and “Pink Pony Club.”

5.
Self-Titled, Roman Norfleet and
Be Present Art Group

Driven by Roman Norfleet, improvised jazz and soul collective Be Present Art Group’s self-titled debut emerged from drum gatherings in Washington DC’s Malcolm X Park, which the album’s liner notes describe as “a pocket of freedom built on collective improvisation and shared rhythm.” In Portland, Norfleet assembled a collective of artists including Jacque Hammond and members of Brown Calculus to channel the spirit of those DC sessions. The group’s resulting earthy and spiritual self-titled album was released via Portland-to-Chicago label Mississippi Records in 2023. [Record label Mississippi Records is under the impression it lives in Chicago now, but the store and SPIRIT remain in Portland. -eds.]

6.
Songs in the Key of Life, Stevie Wonder

I was handed down a vintage copy of Stevie Wonder’s Songs in the Key of Life from my family’s record collection accumulated in the ’70s. The Grammy-winning Stevie classic is one of my favorites to bump around the house, especially while doing housework. Widely accepted as one of the best and most influential albums in history, Stevie’s 18th studio album embodies—if not invents—the concept of “no skips” with songs like “Love’s In Need of Love Today,” “Sir Duke,” “Village Ghetto Land,” “I Wish,” “Knocks Me Off My Feet,” “Ordinary Pain,” “Isn’t She Lovely,” “Joy Inside My Tears,” and “Black Man.” The subject matter feels as relevant as ever, with Stevie singing about evergreen topics like his childhood, first love, lost love, and poignantly tackling heavier topics like racial justice, and social justice for the poor and disenfranchised. 

7.
The Nightmare Before Christmas (Soundtrack)

I have a younger brother who was absolutely obsessed with The Nightmare Before Christmas growing up, and by proxy, I too came to love the creepy stop-motion film, especially the music. Whether you consider it a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie—I happen to believe it’s both—The Nightmare Before Christmas is a family-friendly cult classic, and the soundtrack is nostalgic, campy, moody, but most of all fun! The soundtrack can be enjoyed from October all the way to Christmas, bringing joy to its recipient with songs like “This Is Halloween,” “What’s This?,” “Making Christmas,” and “Jack’s Obsession.” 

8.
Mm..Food, MF Doom
(20th Anniversary Edition) 

For the MF Doom superfan in your life (we all have at least one), many a vinyl gift will do—from his studio debut album Operation: Doomsday to his epic collab with Madlib, Madvillainy. But this year is a particularly good time to gift the 2004 concept album Mm..Food, Doom’s fifth studio album with lyrics and song titles that reference different foods, as it celebrates its 20-year anniversary with a special edition vinyl release that comes with super cool new artwork that depicts a new take on the original illustrated cover, which features Doom sitting down to eat breakfast. On the updated cover, Doom is seen through a window, sitting down in the booth of a classic American diner.

Everybody wants a good knife.
Here’s where to find the best in the land. by Andrea Damewood

For your favorite home chef or local line cook, a new knife is a thing of glory—and it’s even better when someone else pays for it. 

We’re here to assure you that—for the right person—the idea of giving someone 12 inches of highly sharpened carbon steel in a wrapped box isn’t a threat. It’s one of the best Christmas presents ever.

“I think a knife is a great gift,” Eytan Zias, who owns Portland Knife House on Southeast Belmont and is a co-founder of Portland’s Steelport Knife Company, which handcrafts its work in Northeast. “There are not many things you can gift to somebody that we all use every day. I don’t know anybody that goes a day without a kitchen knife. Even if someone is a knife collector, they always want another knife.”

But choosing the right knife for the right chef is a bit of an alchemy, which Zias says people often liken to how Harry Potter picks his wand. “I consider it a compliment,” he says, laughing. “We’ll filter 700 knives down to seven, and those are the ones you’ll put your hands on.”

With so many options out there, we asked the experts for their advice, honed over many years in the industry, on how to pick the best knife for yourself or a lucky recipient.

“Most people have Henckels, or worse, Ikea or Pampered Chef knives,” Zias says. “They’ve spent a lot of money, but they’re not actually good knives.” 

He believes you can find an inexpensive knife that outperforms those big names.

The key? Focus on function over flash, at least to start. Here’s what Zias says he asks shoppers to consider:

What kind of blade: Prioritize carbon steel for performance. It sharpens easily and holds an edge longer. If low-maintenance is a must, stainless steel is a good fallback. Zias says if the first question someone asks him is if they can put their knife in the dishwasher (the answer is NO), he quietly guides them to stainless steel.

Are you a righty or lefty?: Fun fact: there are knives that famous southpaw Ned Flanders could sell in his lefty shop. So try and peep which hand your beloved uses to chop. But if you don’t know, there are ambidextrous knives, Zias says.

Balance: The two dominant styles are Japanese and Western style. These days, Japanese knives are more popular, Zias says, but it really comes down to preference. “Two people will pick up the same knife and have completely different reactions,” Zias notes. The right balance reduces fatigue and feels like an extension of your hand.

Construction: Look for forged blades and full tang construction (the steel extends through the handle). These features increase durability and longevity.

For some people, there is no such thing as too many knives. But in case you’re not trying to go for the whole “guy who fills his house with lizards and blades” vibe, there are three basics to start any aspiring home cook off with, Zias says. 

First is an 8-inch chef knife, which he describes as the workhorse for 99 percent of tasks, from mincing herbs to slicing vegetables. Next is a paring knife, for intricate work like coring and peeling.

Finally, there’s a bread knife, which Zias says should only be used on bread, never tomatoes. Zias says the one Steelport makes is his personal fave. Ron Khormaei, the CEO and founder of Steelport Knife Co, unsurprisingly, says the same.

“Everybody else makes a serrated knife that’s terrible,” Khormaei says. “Our bread knife is the best bread knife in the world. You can’t describe it, you have to experience it.”

Khormaei says he even had a chance to put his engineering degree to work as they designed the serrated edge, landing on a 7 mm sine wave to optimize how it cuts through first crust, then a soft interior. (Brisket obsessives like to use bread knives for the same reason.)

This writer fell in love with the Steelport bread knife at the showroom recently. I hunkered down with a friend and sliced as many pieces of baguette as I could before it got weird. Steelport’s knives are expensive—the bread knife is $450—but it’s hand forged in Portland, given a gorgeous handle made from the burl of Oregon bigleaf maple and a tang that goes all the way through the handle. It has a coffee patina made with Coava beans. You can also get it sharpened for free, forever. It is truly the fancy-assest of presents.

“A knife is an amazing gift if it’s given to someone who truly shows caring about food,” Khormaei says. “It’s for people who don’t cook because they’re hungry, but because they show love to friends and family. You’re saying you value their passion and value their interest.”

Sidebar of Knives (MUAHAHAHAH)

There are a lot of damn knives out there. In order to avoid decision paralysis, here are a few options that Eytan Zias, owner of Portland Knife House and cofounder of Steelport Knife Company, recommends for holiday shoppers.

BEST BUDGET KNIFE

Tojiro Basic 8” chef knife

Price: $47

Blade: VG10 stainless steel. Made in Niigata, Japan. 

What makes it great: “I cannot think of a better value in the kitchen knife world. It’s very rare to find a Japanese-made professional quality knife under $50.”

THE KNIFE THE KNIFE
GUY WOULD GIFT

Sakai Takayuki 33 Layer Hammered-
Damascus 7” santoku

Price: $150

Blade: VG10 stainless steel. Made in Seki, Japan. 

What makes it great: “A little flashy looking for some, but it looks unique, performs well, and is user friendly. It’s a favorite for both professional and home cooks alike.”

FOR THOSE WHO
HAVE EVERYTHING

STEELPORT Knife Co 10” serrated bread knife 

Price: $450

Blade: Drop-forged 52100 carbon steel with a bigleaf maple burl handle. Made in Portland.

What makes it great: “It’s rare to find a bread knife with this steel quality and level of detail, and is a favorite among serious bread bakers and BBQ guys. (It also got a shout out from The New York Times food section.) It’s also Portland-made, using all US-sourced materials.”

BEST SPLURGE

Nigara Hamono 9.5” Ginsan Damascus ebony handle chef knife

Price: $525

Blade: Ginsan Damascus. Made in Hirosaki, Japan. 

What makes it great: “It’s my favorite example of a Japanese forged handmade knife that we have in the shop.”

I’m permanently estranged from my family.
Here’s what cats and dogs have taught me. by Lindsay Costello

From etymonline.com: estrange (v.) late 15c., from French estrangier “to alienate,” from Vulgar Latin *extraneare “to treat as a stranger,” from Latin extraneus “foreign, from without” (see strange). 

I am strange, I am alien, I am a stranger, I am without. Or maybe my family is. It’s difficult to say. Since 2019, I’ve been estranged from my entire family. I won’t bore (or titillate) you with the details of my decision to distance myself from them, but visualize a constellation of generational traumas—nearly every type represented—and you’ll have a general idea. Estrangement is, as the literature says, a last resort. It’s the truth. I never wanted this, but now I’m freer for it.

On most days, the peace of estrangement is one of the most powerful presences in my life. But during the chaotic final months of the year, it begins to feel like a gargantuan gaping wound that anyone—friends, coworkers, baristas—might spot if I’m not careful. People tend to flip out, or at least stare a little, when they see a gargantuan gaping wound. 

So I don’t discuss it. I listen intently as those around me describe their family’s political beliefs and their dad’s rude comments and their brother’s whatever-what-have-you and I share little in response. I frown. I say, “Ugh, that sucks.” And I do mean it.

My experience always feels different, though. For one thing, my calendar is suspiciously open during the holidays. This serves an interesting and unexpected purpose: As those around me saddle up for travel, family dinners, and gift exchanges, I’m available for pet sitting. The texts roll in.

Yes, I sometimes feel a knee-jerk sting when this happens, in the way that we all have those insidious automatic thoughts that have squished around in our brains for years or decades. You know the ones. Therapists and Instagram graphics attempt to unpack them with counter-thoughts: I am worthy. I am enough. And so on. But those few tenacious thoughts remain. The neurons fire and wire. Mine are:

I don’t have a family. Everyone else does, except me.

When I type that out, there is no resentment, just layers of sadness buried in a cavity that my partner Jeremy and my cat Spaghetti still can’t fill. Intellectually, I know these thoughts aren’t true. Many people are estranged from their families, and I do have a “chosen family”—I have Jeremy! Spaghetti! A small circle of friends! But without any biological family members in my life, there’s still a sharp loneliness, pointed and pronounced, that never goes away. The edges of it become crisper during the holidays. 

Back to the petsitting, though. Over time, I’ve noticed that the animals I form bonds with might also have something to teach me about navigating estrangement. (For the record, I’m not a mental health professional. But stay with me here.)

My first Christmas pet sitting charge was Fiddle, a large and docile orange man whose primordial pouch swayed like a porch swing as he strode aimlessly across the house. From Fiddle, I gleaned the first of many lessons on connection and self-preservation.

1. Don’t google your parents. (Or your sister, or your ex, or whoever it is you’ve made a concerted effort to get away from.) 

a. Animals can’t google, especially sweet, simple-minded angels like Fiddle. This one is a no-brainer. Googling your parents, who will, undoubtedly, still have no internet presence, is the quickest ticket to a night-long spiral. Plus, there are few things on this planet more depressing than searching online for your deadbeat dad’s handyman business. Don’t do it.

Then came Frank, a dapple dachshund with dark eyes and ears that flapped out like soft wings when he flopped over on his back in the living room. Frank is a snuggly dog who asks that one hand be petting him at all times. He also likes to wake with the sunrise.

2. Make your own rituals and stick to them with dogged (ugh) determination.

a. One year, curled up in a pit of sadness, I asked an estrangement-related subreddit for advice on what to do during the holidays. I feel for you, elderberry42289, some kind soul wrote. I recommend finding a routine and sticking to that for your sanity. Also, could you come up with something cool to do every holiday season? Something all your own?

b. This message was reaffirmed by Frank, who sticks to his rituals and appreciates all the sensory pleasures life has to offer. If Frank were a human, I think he would take himself to the movies and a fancy dinner every Christmas day.

Before I met Dorothy, I thought I’d experienced the full spectrum of anger, marinating in all the emotion had to offer. This was not true. Dorothy’s capacity for disdain topped anything I’d ever felt before. She is a one-eared cat who hisses at nothing—the television, my hand in a bag of chips, the sky. She is also dark and slinky, making her contemptuous behavior seem kind of cool.

3. Go outside. 

a. I knew better than to argue with Dorothy, who insisted upon patrolling the outside world despite hostile forces like coyotes and cars in the neighborhood. And so out she went, and came back, still intact (minus the missing ear). 

b. Unfortunately, the news is true. Going for a walk (or even, like, to the mailbox) helps when those insidious automatic thoughts start to conspire against you. Just do it, you’ll be fine.

Here’s a lesson I’ve taken from every pet I’ve cared for:

4. Eat whatever the fuck you want. 

a. You’re (probably) not a licensed nutritionist, you’re someone with family trauma who is attempting to navigate the holiday season. Eating whatever, whenever, is clearly what dogs dream of. You are not a dog. You are an adult with some funds and a ride to Safeway. Act accordingly.

And finally,

5. Make sure that you aren’t alone. Alternate strategy: believe that you’re not alone.

In a season that emphasizes togetherness and companionship, I am one person musing on the tiny universes of cats and dogs. Maybe these reflections seem a little trite, even pathetic. But I don’t think that they are. 

The entire objective of pet sitting is to care for small guys who cannot care for themselves. Central to that relationship is an applicable truth: When I am experiencing something emotionally traumatic, I can treat myself with special attention, too. 

Sometimes that means asking for help or camaraderie. But maybe I am not in the mood to be social. Maybe I’m having a Dorothy day. That’s fine—because even when I’m isolated and furious and sad, I’m not alone. Not really. Embedded in that core belief is every creature that’s trusted me.

Spend time NOT talking to family with our preview
of the holidays’ most-hyped new releases. by Dom Sinacola

Holidays are usually meant for time with family, which is obviously why so many people elect to go to the movies on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thanks to theaters being open, you now have a ready-made excuse to avoid talking to loved ones for a solid two hours. 

From St. Johns Twin Cinemas to Regal Division Street, every corner of Portland is thriving with film love, be it a first-run chain or local rep theater. So, to gird thy loins for the upcoming high holy days, I’ve assembled a preview of the movies you can see in theaters on Thanksgiving and/or Christmas day when conversation runs as dry as an overcooked bird. 

Red One

Following the box office shrug that was 2022’s Black Adam, The Rock optimistically reported from the set of Red One that his new blockbuster, co-starring Chris Evans and JK Simmons (as muscle daddy Santa Claus), is a “big, fun, action packed [sic] and fresh new take on Christmas Lore [sic].” After The Rock’s supposed chronic lateness and “unprofessional” on-set behavior helped push Red One to late 2024, this “new take” on the late-December holiday will finally see the overcast light of mid-November. Apparently, when Santa Claus is kidnapped, the head of North Pole security, Callum Drift (Rock), must join forces with world-class bounty hunter (come on now) Jack O’Malley (Evans, seemingly running on fumes), to save Kris Kringle. Whatever. I have no doubt this movie will be excrement, struck with surprisingly upsetting violence splayed against the most conservative values you can carve from a $250 million budget. This comes out on November 15; will it still be in theaters on Thanksgiving? Let’s hope not.

Gladiator II

If you’ve seen Ridley Scott’s Napoleon, you know that the octogenarian director cannot be bothered by such woke trappings of cinematic culture as “historical accuracy” or “consistent accents.” Instead, Scott trades obsession for the spectacle of history; he’s in thrall more to the bloom of organs erupting from cannonball wounds than allegiance to facts most audiences wouldn’t know anyway. 

That energy will carry into Gladiator II, Scott’s sequel to his 2000 original, which will surely be a stupendously gory feast for IMAX screens. Arms all veined up, Paul Mescal is New Gladiator, the fate of Rome on his shoulders for some reason, with Denzel Washington clearly having a blast playing an ancient weapons dealer. Finally able to put a career’s worth of ideas onto the screen, Scott’s never been more prolific, and never less beholden to anyone than himself. Respect. 

Wicked Part One

The first half of an adaptation of the musical—as well as of the 1995 novel on which the musical’s based and the Wizard of Oz writings of Frank L. Baum—Wicked has a runtime of two hours and 40 minutes. More like Wicked Long Movie [pats self on back]. Growing to the width of the Garfield balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, Ariana Grande’s dinner plate eyes will ultimately occlude all other light. Suddenly, lifetimes will pass in the dark of that theater. You will wake in another epoch, another land, and you will discover there is still a second movie to sit through.

Moana 2

The November of The Rock continues with the last IP he hasn’t stripmined of all goodwill. That’s right, Rockheads, Maui, the beefy demigod from Moana, is back for the sequel. Originally developed as an animated series, Moana 2 went theatrical eight months ago when Bob Iger announced the series had been reconfigured following a revamping of the producing and directing teams—for solely artistic reasons, I’m sure. Rarely are reports like this a good sign, usually accompanied by accounts of animators enduring hellish work conditions or presaging a movie that feels functionally incomplete. Still, I can’t imagine families not defaulting to this Thanksgiving weekend. Will our thumb-headed megastar once again drop a People’s Elbow on the box office? I sincerely do not care.

The Brutalist 

Brady Corbet’s gushed-over saga about architect László Toth (Adrien Brody) has the accolades (garnering Corbet the Silver Lion at the Venice Film Festival), distribution deal (A24), and runtime (215 minutes) to make it the year’s biggest small release. Couple this with Corbet and cinematographer Lol Crawley shooting in Vistavision—a process that can make 35mm film look as huge as 70mm in the theater just by running the stock through the camera sideways—and expect to see this engorged on the swollest screens in town. It’s so intentionally and obviously epic, you’d be forgiven for assuming architect László Toth is a real person. The magic of cinema!

Babygirl

I was going to make a joke about Halina Reijn’s Babygirl being the perfect choice for families wanting to watch a horny movie together on Christmas, but looking into the film’s reception at the Toronto International Film Festival, I find critics saying that Nicole Kidman’s performance as a repressed CEO who forms a sub-dom bond with an intern (Harris Dickinson) is a brave and reflexive exploration of her career and aging physicality. So I will be similarly brave and refrain from making that joke.

Nosferatu

A young foil to Ridley Scott and his disregard for the exigencies of time, Robert Eggers is a horror filmmaker who makes macabre period pieces—The Witch, The Lighthouse, The Northman—that are so thoroughly researched they feel like stolen visions, like sights from the past that we have no right to witness. With Nosferatu, he seems to be pulling from F.W. Murnau’s 1922 silent film as much as from Werner Herzog’s 1979 remake and Bram Stoker’s 1897 Dracula novel, filtering his hyper-literate taste through a century of German expressionism. 

A Complete Unknown

James Mangold responds to Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story—a satire responding to the pestilence of Oscar-bait biopics birthed by Mangold’s Walk the Line—by making an even more by-the-numbers take on an iconic musician. This time it’s Bob Dylan, given approximate life by Timothée Chalamet. A Complete Unknown will almost certainly hinge on Dylan going electric at the 1965 Newport Folk Festival, giving him the opportunity to reminisce about what led up to this all-culminating cultural moment. Its financial returns will be optimistic, its award season obligatory. So it is foretold.

Better Man

While we’re on the subject of biopics: Better Man is about the life of UK pop idol Robbie Williams… only he’s a CGI chimpanzee and no one else in the movie acknowledges he’s a CGI chimpanzee. I hesitate to call this conceit so stupid it may be genius, but I won’t hesitate to recommend it, because we both know it will be [my eyes glaze over and soul noticeably disappears from my body] bananas.

Or, what to say when Aunt Barbara insults your Thanksgiving gravy. by Courtenay Hameister

Back in the olden times, I used to host a public radio show that recorded in front of a live audience. In December of 2011, we decided to do a segment about how to survive the holidays with your family. We brought on Shelley McLendon, a therapist who is also a brilliant comedian and friend, along with my funny, tiny, holiday-elf-like mother to do a little experiment. 

We set up a table where I could make my mom’s famous chocolate peanut butter balls with my mother on one side of me and Shelley on the other. At one point, when my mother was telling me how to make the peanut butter mixture into balls (something I’d been doing myself for years and KNEW HOW TO DO BECAUSE DUH), I asked Shelley what we could say to family members who won’t allow us to create our own versions of family traditions. 

Shelley replied with an oft-repeated phrase among the show staff in the ensuing years: “Isn’t it great that there are so many different ways to do things?” 

The audience laughed. I repeated the phrase to my mother. 

“Y’know what I was just thinking, mom? That it’s really great that there are so many ways to do things.” 

“There are,” my mother replied. “There’s the right way and the wrong way.” 

The audience went feral on me, laughing and whooping for so long that all I could do was stand onstage as the peanut butter ball in my palm turned into a sticky puddle. My mother had roasted me like a Thanksgiving turkey on my own goddamn show and I still bear the emotional scars. 

Most people don’t have PTSD about their mother scorched-earthing them in front of 600 people during the holidays, but many, many different emotional issues can come up during the season. 

Whatever you’re going through, I spoke to two Portland therapists who specialize in family dynamics to procure some holiday coping mechanisms to help get us all through. 

One psychologist I spoke to was Wayne Scott, MA, LCSW, a marriage and family therapist. 

The first thing we talked about was how we deal with emotional triggers in interpersonal environments. Most of us don’t feel provoked because we think others are going to physically hurt us, we’re afraid they’re going to say or do something that will make us feel awkward, angry, embarrassed, or ostracized. Essentially, unsafe. 

That anxious feeling you get? It’s called a threat response. 

Imagine you’re stirring the gravy on Thanksgiving day and your aunt Barbara approaches you, lit Virginia Slim in hand. 

“Oh. You’re cooking the gravy?” she asks. 

“Yeah,” you reply. “I thought I’d try it this year. Ina Garten has this recipe that looked so delic—“

“—you chose THANKSGIVING to try a new gravy recipe,” she responds. “What were you thinking? You have a house full of people!” 

And you go and hyperventilate in the pantry. Why can family immediately make us feel this way? 

I’ve heard one reason I tend to believe. Our family knows how to push our buttons because they installed them. 

But knowing why we’re upset isn’t as important as knowing how to deal with it.

I asked Wayne Scott what he thought about this. 

“That’s your autonomic nervous system,” he said. “It’s programmed to respond reactively the moment we feel we’re being threatened in any way—emotionally or physically—so we can’t control it. Unless we train it.” 

Scott suggests that before the holidays, to think about what activates our threat responses and create strategies to avoid them before they happen. 

Just a few of his ideas: 

Ask for what you need: In this case, you could send an email to the family letting them know you’re trying something new this year and it might not turn out perfectly, but the holidays are really about togetherness, so they should support you in your freakin’ gravy journey, BARBARA. 

Another great way to get family members on board is to ask for their help/ideas in integrating new traditions ahead of time. If you include them in the conversation, they’re much more likely to buy in.

Neutralize the threat: One thing that tends to catch aggressive people off guard is to call them on their aggression. Something like, “Wow, Barb. That made me feel like crawling into a little ball under the sink. What was your intention with that comment?”

Or, if addressing the problem overtly causes you to feel more triggered, Scott suggests trying self-talk. 

“Something like, ‘There goes [Barb] again, invalidating my reality,’” he suggests. “Or simply exiting the conversation or even going outside to do some deep breathing.” 

Don’t engage in the first place: Of course it’s difficult, but there’s also the choice not to go at all. If the discomfort outweighs the joy for you, it may be time to simply bow out or—a slightly less nuclear option—to give family members a time parameter like, “I have another party to attend at six, so I can only stay for a couple hours.” This serves the purpose of setting healthy boundaries with your family and making it appear you’re more popular than you actually are.

The last two options were also suggested by Joan Laguzza, LCSW, a mental health therapist who works with many folks who are estranged from their families and are now used to spending the holidays on their own. She suggests that in the same way people prepare themselves mentally to be with problematic family members, people should prepare themselves when they’re going to be on their own. You don’t want the holidays to sneak up on you without a plan. Just a few ideas Laguzza suggests: 

Create distractions: The holidays are often about community—family, friends, church. So lean on yours. 

“Go out in the world and be in community with other people,” she says. “Volunteer. Plan a ‘Friendsgiving.’ Arrange for a call with a friend or family member.”

Don’t have a community? Be a good friend to yourself and make a plan so you don’t have downtime to marinate in a family-sized tub of Comparison Sauce. Comparison is truly the thief of joy and there is no time of year that we compare our lives to others’ more than the holidays. So don’t give yourself the opportunity to ruminate. 

“Go see a movie, go to a restaurant you love, read a book,” Laguzza suggests. 

Stay the hell off social media: This is good advice for everyone, all the time, but especially during the holidays. Countless studies show that we are made more anxious, more lonely, and more depressed after a trip down a Meta rabbit hole, no matter the time of year. But during the holidays, we’re more aware than ever of what our family looks like because we compare it to every movie, holiday special, and Fred Meyer ad that tells us the holidays are all about “togetherness.” So your friends and family will only post photos that mirror those depictions.

The only media depiction of a holiday that’s gotten close to reality for many of us was “Fishes,” the Christmas episode of The Bear that included a terrifyingly chaotic kitchen, flying forks at the dinner table, and an emotionally vampiric, drunken mother accidentally driving her car through her own house.* There’s no way, after that Christmas, the Berzatto family posted pics of a fork in Uncle Lee’s forehead or Donna with smashed drywall all over her rich Corinthian leather seats. 

“Social media is totally unreliable,” Laguzza says. “When there’s an estrangement, each person develops an inaccurate narrative about what’s going on in the other person’s life. Social media just feeds that narrative.” 

Two apps that are great for blocking social media sites are Freedom and Opal. They make a great holiday gift!

Plan to honor those who aren’t around: While making your holiday plans, consider a way to pay tribute to those family members you’re estranged from. Whether they’re not speaking to you or you’ve chosen to take some space from them, you can still honor the affection you once had for them and may again. 

“If your estranged mother loves dahlias, put some on the table Thanksgiving day,” Laguzza suggests. “If you’re with a sibling, you can plan to make your mother’s pumpkin pie together, or play a piece of music that meant something to her—have a thought for her and silently wish her some good cheer for the holiday.” 

This sounded counterintuitive and even difficult when she first suggested it. Still, it ultimately reminded me of a beautiful quote that’s often (but wrongly) attributed to the Buddha that a friend once quoted at just the right time: “In the end, only three things matter: how much I loved, how gently I lived, and how gracefully I let go of the things not meant for me.” I can’t think of a better way to spend a few holiday moments than by offering some grace and forgiveness to friends or family members we’re struggling to continue to love.

Whether you’re spending time with family or without, beware of holding too tightly to traditions. Or at the very least, attempt to parse out which traditions you love, and which you’re struggling to keep because you’re trying to meet other people’s expectations. Traditions can be a strange trap, because they’re what makes the holidays joyful and nostalgic, but they can also cause tension. 

“Holiday traditions always imply that you have money,” Scott suggests. “The tree, the food, the gift extravaganza. But we don’t bring that up because, like politics, there’s this agreement that we don’t talk about this thing that is very visibly in the room.”

As you’re navigating these waters—trying to turn the holidays into a season that doesn’t stress the fuck out of you and empty your bank account—remember the reason people get defensive when you try to make new traditions.

“They’ve studied the human threat response, and one of the biggest threats is the threat of not belonging,” Scott says. “The holidays, to get down to the meat of it, are about feeling connected in the world. Feeling like you’ve got some mooring. Like you have people who have got your back.”

So tread lightly, but know that you shouldn’t have to compromise your own mental health to make other people happy. 

And remember that, if you’re a person being driven nuts by the fact that you have all this activity and all these people swirling around you during the holidays, you may have friends being driven nuts by the fact that they don’t. So if you know someone you feel could use the company, invite them over for the holiday. They’ll probably say no, but it makes a huge difference to know that you actually have a place you could go if you wanted to. A huge difference to feel wanted. To feel like you belong. 

Happy holidays. 

*For the record, my mother is neither emotionally vampiric nor drunken, but she did actually drive her car through the back wall of her garage once. I attribute it more to the famously bad “Hameister Sense of Direction” than anything else. I think she just saw it as the most direct route to the backyard.

The best traditional events—and how they can be improved.
You’re welcome. by Wm. Steven Humphrey

When it comes to holiday traditions, Portland is horny as all get-out.

We love cramming as much festivity into our festivities as possible—regardless of how tiresome or long-in-the-tooth those annual events have become. What follows is a critical examination of Portland’s most time-honored holiday events, and my recommendations on how they can be improved. (Don’t remember asking me for my opinion? Trust me, it’s never necessary… I have so many! In fact, when it comes to opinions, many people think I’m “full of it.” And there’s a lot more where those came from, so let’s read some now!)

Description: Peacock Lane is a four-block stretch in Southeast Portland between Stark and Belmont, where many of the home owners go to great lengths to cram every inch of their property with lights and other Jesus and Santa-themed ephemera. During the holiday season the street is jam-packed with thousands of looky-loos on foot and in cars.

The problem: I don’t get it. I mean, I get why the residents do it… you can tell they’ve worked their collective asses off constructing these front lawn art installations, and some (for example, the Grinch house) are goddamn masterpieces. But it’s like if the Portland Art Museum was suddenly filled with thousands of people—including their dogs, snot-nosed kids, and wildly inappropriate double strollers—half of whom are either stoned out of their gourds or 10 seconds away from a rage-fueled meltdown. In short, there are… Too. Many. People!

The solution: A zip line. It’s a well accepted fact that zip lines improve most situations. Sure, they’re useful for getting from one side of a canyon to another, or traversing a tree canopy in Guatemala, but they can be just as useful in an urban environment! Las Vegas is famous for having a zip line that goes from one end of the historic Fremont Street to the other, and it’s a FANTASTIC way to see the sights quickly, efficiently, and to let your vomit rain down upon spandex-wearing moms who did not get the memo that it’s FUCKING RUDE to bring their double strollers to a place where thousands of people are trying to walk. Also if you happen to be high—and SO MANY OF YOU ARE—riding a zip line is AH-MAY-ZING, and will stop you from blocking the sidewalk whenever you slip into an extended Christmas light-induced trance. Trust me, install a zip line over Peacock Lane, charge $15 a ride, and the city’s budget will be funded for lifetimes.

Peacock Lane, between SE Stark & Belmont, Dec 15-31, car-free nights Dec 15 & 16, 6 pm-11 pm, free, keep your fucking double strollers at home

Description: Roughly two miles of racetrack decorated with various illuminated and animated holiday figures, including reindeer, snowboarding Santas, dinosaurs, all 12 days of Christmas, a lone menorah, and much more.

The problem: Well, the most obvious problem is that you can’t race. You creep around the track behind a long line of vehicles at around 10 mph—but actually that’s kind of nice, because you seriously do not want to miss the animated dinosaurs. All in all, it’s great… it just needs a couple more levels of excitement, which leads me to….

The solution: First, you could pay teenagers to dress up like the Terminator, wrap them in holiday lights, and have them chase the cars on foot. (I doubt you’d even have to pay them.) OR you could do what I’ve done every season for the past 10 years, which is LET YOUR CHILDREN DRIVE THE CAR! The moment I pay admission and enter the track, I say, “Okay… who’s driving?” The first five minutes are taken up by backseat fistfights to see who gets to drive first. Once that’s decided, they hop behind the steering wheel. Obviously if their feet can’t reach the pedals, you should let them sit in your lap—but under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you EVER touch the steering wheel… because where’s the fun in that? They have to learn to drive somehow, and if that means occasionally careening off the track and into one of the 10 lords a’leaping (for his life), then so be it. The best part? There’s not a cop in sight. That’s a true “winter wonderland!”

Portland International Raceway, 1940 N Victory Blvd, Nov 29-Dec 31, Mon-Thurs 5 pm-10 pm, Fri-Sun 4:30 pm-11 pm, $49 per carload

Description: More than 200 tubas take to Pioneer Square to play an array of oompah-rific Christmas songs.

The problem: There is not a single problem with this.

The solution: Look, hearing 200 tubas blaring “Sleigh Ride” across the city is hard to beat. But anything can be improved, right? For example, what if all these tubas were playing “Holly Jolly Christmas,” when suddenly, marching up Sixth Avenue were 200 people playing Christmas songs on what’s known as the tuba’s natural enemy… the saxophone? Ooooooh, tuba players HATE saxophonists, and for good reason. They tend to be morally repugnant individuals who throw their dog’s poop bags into your recycling bin, and regularly destroy any decent song with their ceaseless and unasked-for squawking (take David Bowie’s “Young Americans” for example). Anyway, the 200 saxophonists would call the 200 tubaists into the street for a “Christmas song smack-down” to settle once and for all which is the superior instrument. (We all know it’s the tuba, but there’s no convincing these detestable saxophoneys.) The winners would continue the Pioneer Square concert, as the losers marched to the Morrison Bridge to throw their instruments into the murky depths of the Willamette—never to play again! It’s called “raising the stakes”—and there’s simply not enough of that at Christmas time.

Tuba Christmas Concert, Pioneer Courthouse Square, Sat Dec 21, 1:30 pm, free

Description: The Holiday Express is a vintage (TOOT! TOOOOOOT!) 1912 Polson #2 steam locomotive that transports kids and families from the Oregon Rail Heritage Center—porn for train nerds—and along the Willamette River for roughly a couple miles until returning to its starting point. Each train car is heated and decorated in lights and holiday finery, and… at some point… Santa shows up!

The problem: Mmmmm… other than Santa showing up, it’s kinda boring? (Unless you’re a train nerd, but you’re going to be too busy asking endless, arcane locomotive questions to the conductor—whose soul will leave their body—to be concerned about Santa.)

The solution: Can we PLEASE get a gang of cowboys on horses to rob this muthafukkin’ TRAIN?? Bear with me, and picture it: The holiday train is chugga-chugga-choo-chooin’ and toot-toot-tootin’ down the track without a care in the world… UNTIL. 

Out of the Oaks Bottom wetlands come a gang of ruthless, horse-riding villains who gallop down the bike path before hopping on the train, kicking the door open, and barking, “Git yer hands up, varmints!” Screams ring out from the train car as some passengers faint, and a couple of foolhardy “heroes” get a pistol butt to the noggin for their trouble. The bandits steal wallets, watches, necklaces, and other precious family heirlooms, cackling maniacally… UNTIL. 

A loud bump is heard on the roof, and seconds later, a window smashes as SANTA CLAUS comes bursting into the car! Slowly rising to his feet, Santa strikes a pose and says, “Looks like somebody’s getting added to the naughty list!” And with a mighty swing of his red bag, Santa bowls over three of the villains, delivers a sharp uppercut to another, and sends a fifth tumbling off the train with a vicious kick to the scrabble bag… UNTIL.

The ringleader grabs a crying child, puts a six-shooter to its little head, and growls, “One more step, Santy Claus, and I’ll send this li’l pecker-wood to the pearly gates!” A pause, as everyone in the train car holds their breath, tears streaming down the child’s face, and where the only sound is the repetitive clack-clack-clack of the train’s wheels. 

Slowly, Santa drops his bag, and says, “Well, Desperado Dan”—a stupid name for a stupid criminal—”I guess this is my last… STOP!” Santa yanks the “stop requested” cord hanging from the window, sending the train screeching to an ear-piercing halt, as Desperado Dan stumbles and falls, dropping both child and pistol. Santa quickly pulls the kid to safety, and with a devastating right hook, sends the villain into a coma, from which he will never awaken. The children and adults cheer as Santa throws the unconscious body from the train before turning to ask, “Now who here has a hankerin’ for a candy cane?” The train’s occupants rejoice, and for the first time since the debut of the Holiday Express, it was a train ride—and a Christmas—to remember.

Holiday Express, Oregon Rail Heritage Center, 2250 SE Water, Nov 29-January 4, various times, $25-$105, tickets and info 

Featuring advice you need to navigate thehighs and lows of the holiday season. by Wm. Steven Humphrey

With election season in the rearview, it’s time to focus on the next upcoming traumatic event: THE HOLIDAYS. (Seriously, can we just have one 10-minute break from *waves arms frantically* everything??) Let’s face it: As joyful and fun as they can be, the holidays are also exhausting and take a lot of physical and emotional effort. That said, there are ways to get through the holiday season with your sanity intact, but it does take some brain training—and that’s exactly what we’re aiming to help you do with our annual Mercury holiday guide! (Pick yours up in print at more than 500 locations across Portland!)

That’s right, we’ve got lots of solid, no-nonsense advice gathered by the Mercury’s best writers and Portland’s top experts. Here’s just a sneak peek at some of the articles that can provide a lot of mental solace this holiday season:

Holidays for Humans: Let’s just say what everyone’s thinking: Aunt Barbara is a bitch. So when Barb—or any overbearing relative—insults your turkey day gravy, or says something that makes you want to curl up in a ball under the sink, how should you react? The hilarious and wise Courtenay Hameister has some hilarious and wise advice (with help from two qualified therapists) on how to answer that question, and take care of oneself during the holidays.

Zen and the Art of Holiday Pet Sitting: Alone on the holidays? THAT’S OKAY. In fact, despite what every media source, social media platform, and advertisement is trying to sell you, “togetherness” during the holidays—particularly during the Christmas season— is not the answer for everyone. In this sweet, smart piece, our Lindsay Costello documents her family estrangement, and how pet sitting for traveling friends offered her a furry and cute path to enlightenment.

Let’s Start Things! Let’s End Things!: Don’t know about you, but my New Year’s plans include spiraling down a mental rabbit hole of mistakes I made during 2024 and how 2025 isn’t looking much better. Thank goodness then for this particularly sharp article from HR Smith, who shares their ideas for stopping things (unhealthy habits) and starting things (like a creative project that will fill you with energy and hope)—and it’s jam-packed with great advice from four true experts in their fields: two therapists, one artist, and a witch. 

Or maybe you’re one of the 0.001 percent of Portlanders who are like, “My mental health is absolutely FINE, thankyouverymuch,” and the only help you need are what types of gifts to buy for friends and loved ones. To that I’d say, “congrats on that being your only problem and I have no resentment toward you, like, at all” AND that you’re doubly lucky the Mercury has tons of gift-giving ideas! For example: Look, you’ll be going to the airport at least once, if not multiple times over the next few months… so why not be like the smart and prepared Suzette Smith who has a lineup of thoughtful, interesting gifts you can find at the newly refurbished Portland International Airport? 

And if you’ve got someone on your list who spends a lot of time in the kitchen (or perhaps stabbing people?), check out Andrea Damewood’s terrific, and highly researched article on the best KNIVES for the foodie in your life. (We trust you won’t gift a knife to the wrong person.) And if your loved one is an audiophile who loves vinyl, we have not one but TWO articles from Jenni Moore and Corbin Smith that have some top-notch vinyl suggestions for those record lovers in your life. Don’t know where to start looking for prezzies? In our annual gift guide you’ll find poop-tons of inventive, cute, and highly sought-after products from some of Portland’s best small businesses—who you should ABSOLUTELY support this season and for the coming year!

For some, snackin’ and boozin’ are the true reasons for the season, and not only do we have a thirst-quenching roundup of holiday beers, but also an eye-popping list of the some of the best sweets that Portland has to offer, and where to snap them up! Or if it’s events you crave, then don’t miss my “critical review” of some of the city’s best holiday happenings, and (because my opinions just won’t stop) how they can be improved. And as usual, our EverOut calendar team has compiled the ultimate list of holiday picks that can’t be missed. And all that’s on top of our regular Mercury offerings including news, comedy, fun, AND a year-end wrap-up of the trashiest gossip of the year courtesy of Elinor Jones and The Trash Report!

Swear to baby Jesus, anything you’re looking for in regards to making it through the coming season is right here in the Mercury’s Holiday Guide! Look for it at more than 500 spots around the city, and never forget: In 2025 and beyond, the Mercury is here to entertain and inform you of the best our city has to offer—and that, my friends, is the gift we intend to keep on giving.

Happy holidays from all your Mercury pals and me,

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Editor-in-Chief

Portland Mercury

(he/him)

Two tents in Hollywood erected beneath the 101 Freeway during a January rainstorm. (Matt Tinoco/KPCC)

This content is from Southern California Public Radio. View the original story at SCPR.org.

Enjoy a festive and relaxing holiday shopping experience at the Garden’s Holiday Pop-Up Shop. Browse a curated selection of unique nature-themed gifts in the charming, historic Julia Morgan Hall. Find the perfect gift for everyone on your list from these vendors and more!Bird vs Bird: Whimsical bird theme gifts from Oakland artist, Pess Petty Coyote Brush Studios: California native plants + wildlife prints, cards and stickers Dana Gardner: Original paintings and ceramics featuring birds Inna Jam: Emeryville based artisanal jams + cocktail mixers Juniper Ridge: Natural fragrance products + teas Oaktown Spice Shop: Delicious spice mixtures + gift sets Young America Creative: Posters featuring seasonal fruits, vegetables + wildflowers

Enjoy a festive and relaxing holiday shopping experience at the Garden’s Holiday Pop-Up Shop. Browse a curated selection of unique nature-themed gifts in the charming, historic Julia Morgan Hall. Find the perfect gift for everyone on your list from these vendors and more!Bird vs Bird: Whimsical bird theme gifts from Oakland artist, Pess Petty Coyote Brush Studios: California native plants + wildlife prints, cards and stickers Dana Gardner: Original paintings and ceramics featuring birds Inna Jam: Emeryville based artisanal jams + cocktail mixers Juniper Ridge: Natural fragrance products + teas Oaktown Spice Shop: Delicious spice mixtures + gift sets Young America Creative: Posters featuring seasonal fruits, vegetables + wildflowers

Enjoy a festive and relaxing holiday shopping experience at the Garden’s Holiday Pop-Up Shop. Browse a curated selection of unique nature-themed gifts in the charming, historic Julia Morgan Hall. Find the perfect gift for everyone on your list from these vendors and more!Bird vs Bird: Whimsical bird theme gifts from Oakland artist, Pess Petty Coyote Brush Studios: California native plants + wildlife prints, cards and stickers Dana Gardner: Original paintings and ceramics featuring birds Inna Jam: Emeryville based artisanal jams + cocktail mixers Juniper Ridge: Natural fragrance products + teas Oaktown Spice Shop: Delicious spice mixtures + gift sets Young America Creative: Posters featuring seasonal fruits, vegetables + wildflowers

Enjoy a festive and relaxing holiday shopping experience at the Garden’s Holiday Pop-Up Shop. Browse a curated selection of unique nature-themed gifts in the charming, historic Julia Morgan Hall. Find the perfect gift for everyone on your list from these vendors and more!Bird vs Bird: Whimsical bird theme gifts from Oakland artist, Pess Petty Coyote Brush Studios: California native plants + wildlife prints, cards and stickers Dana Gardner: Original paintings and ceramics featuring birds Inna Jam: Emeryville based artisanal jams + cocktail mixers Juniper Ridge: Natural fragrance products + teas Oaktown Spice Shop: Delicious spice mixtures + gift sets Young America Creative: Posters featuring seasonal fruits, vegetables + wildflowers

Enjoy a festive and relaxing holiday shopping experience at the Garden’s Holiday Pop-Up Shop. Browse a curated selection of unique nature-themed gifts in the charming, historic Julia Morgan Hall. Find the perfect gift for everyone on your list from these vendors and more!Bird vs Bird: Whimsical bird theme gifts from Oakland artist, Pess Petty Coyote Brush Studios: California native plants + wildlife prints, cards and stickers Dana Gardner: Original paintings and ceramics featuring birds Inna Jam: Emeryville based artisanal jams + cocktail mixers Juniper Ridge: Natural fragrance products + teas Oaktown Spice Shop: Delicious spice mixtures + gift sets Young America Creative: Posters featuring seasonal fruits, vegetables + wildflowers

Garden Members enjoy a special evening preview shopping experience including light nibbles and refreshments. Enjoy a festive and relaxing holiday shopping experience at the Garden’s Holiday Pop-Up Shop. Browse a curated selection of unique nature-themed gifts in the charming, historic Julia Morgan Hall.  (Registration required for timed entry beginning at either 4:00 pm or 5:30 pm) We currently have 2 arrival time windows to choose from: 4:00 pm - 5:30 pm and 5:30 pm - 7:00pm. Please enter the number of people in your group for selected entry time and plan on arriving during that timeframe. Each member is allowed two additional non-members.Special Event Give-Away!If you register and attend, you will be entered into our $50 Garden Shop gift certificate give-away!Learn more and register here

Each 10-oz holiday-themed bucket includes two 2-oz bags of Haribo Goldbears and two bags of Orville Redenbacher’s Butter Microwave Popcorn. 

Like all manufacturers, bakers and snack producers know that their success (and profitability) depends on more than just regularly introducing new products. Controlling overhead, operating and equipment costs is a major part of the equation.

In preparation for cookie season, the late-night bakery is offering Insomniacs warm, indulgent flavors.

Treat yourself and your loved ones to the new BBQ Baby Back Ribs and decadent line of one-of-a-kind Cinna-Rolls

The Mad Hatter Holiday Festival attracts thousands of people to the historic downtown district of Vallejo with its creative lighted and fire shooting Wonderland recreations that turns the city into a fantasy world for children and adults alike.

Burberry has introduced its first virtual scarf try-on experience in its ‘Wrapped in Burberry’ holiday campaign. Partnering with AR provider WANNA, the immersive experience lets customers view iconic Burberry scarves in real-time, with over 50 styles and two classic options. Available online and in select stores, customers can share images and directly access product pages for purchases.

This trip solidified my conviction to learning photography. A lot has happened since this shot was taken.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided to pursue photography? (at Toronto, Ontario)

Starts: Mon, 16 Dec 2024 19:00:00 -0500
'Tis the season to celebrate with your alma mater!<b>&nbsp;</b>The <b>McGill Alumni Association of Boston (MAAB)</b> invites you to a festive holiday party to ring in the festive season with your fellow Boston-area alumni.&nbsp;<div><br /></div><div>Don your favorite festive attire and join us at <b>Street State Provisions</b> for an evening of good food and socializing in their private lounge. If you haven't had the chance to attend a MAAB social yet, this is a <b>perfect opportunity to meet your local McGill community</b> before the year is over.&nbsp;<div><br /></div><div>Your ticket includes your first cocktail, non-alcoholic beverages, and an array of hors d'oeuvres. You will also have the chance to win one of our fabulous door prizes. Space is limited; get your ticket today!</div><div><br /></div></div>
Location: Boston, U. S. A.

The data is here from earlier:

• Australian October unemployment rate 4.1% (vs. 4.1% expected)
• AUD/USD little changed after the October employment report showed a steady jobless rate
  • (ps. AUD/USD has slid a little since this post, broadly stronger USD the culprit)

Westpac with the recap, in brief:

Australian labour market remains in relatively solid health

• employment growth slowing broadly in line with population growth
• average hours holding steady
• few signs that labour demand is capitulating to an extent that warrants concern
• labour market conditions remain somewhat tight ... this is not translating to stronger wage inflation pressures
• On balance, today’s update will see the RBA continue to remain focused on the dynamics around underlying inflation.

***

Speaking of the RBA, we heard from Bullock earlier, not dovish:

• RBA Bullock says rates are restrictive enough, staying there until confident on inflation

***

AUD/USD update:

OSCE High Commissioner on National Minorities Astrid Thors visited Washington DC and New York City from 25 to 29 April 2016, where she explored opportunities to strengthen co-operation in conflict prevention, implementing early action policies and in fostering inclusion within diverse societies.

Thors met with officials from the United States and representatives of international organizations, including the United Nations Secretariat, Funds, Programmes and Agencies, as well as members of the academia, think tanks and human rights organizations.

During her visit, Thors welcomed the adoption by the United Nations Security Council of the Resolution 2282 (2016) on the Review of United Nations Peacebuilding Architecture as renewed meaningful support to conflict prevention worldwide. In discussions, it was also noted that the implementation of the Sustainable Development Goals and the data provided during their implementation are very relevantpertinent for building just and inclusive societies.

“I am pleased with the strengthened partnerships with the wider international community achieved during my trip, in particular in thematic areas such as access to justice and education, both highly relevant to national minorities and conflict prevention,” Thors concluded.

Related Stories

• OSCE High Commissioner on National Minorities holds fifth regional summer school on multilingual and multicultural education in Central Asia
• Language rights, participation, security and access to justice fundamental to welfare of communities in Kosovo, says High Commissioner Thors
• High Commissioner Thors, in her OSCE Permanent Council address, discusses country engagement and highlights the increase in hate speech targeting national minorities

OSCE High Commissioner on National Minorities Astrid Thors visited Washington DC and New York City from 25 to 29 April 2016, where she explored opportunities to strengthen co-operation in conflict prevention, implementing early action policies and in fostering inclusion within diverse societies.

Thors met with officials from the United States and representatives of international organizations, including the United Nations Secretariat, Funds, Programmes and Agencies, as well as members of the academia, think tanks and human rights organizations.

During her visit, Thors welcomed the adoption by the United Nations Security Council of the Resolution 2282 (2016) on the Review of United Nations Peacebuilding Architecture as renewed meaningful support to conflict prevention worldwide. In discussions, it was also noted that the implementation of the Sustainable Development Goals and the data provided during their implementation are very relevantpertinent for building just and inclusive societies.

“I am pleased with the strengthened partnerships with the wider international community achieved during my trip, in particular in thematic areas such as access to justice and education, both highly relevant to national minorities and conflict prevention,” Thors concluded.

Related Stories

• OSCE High Commissioner on National Minorities holds fifth regional summer school on multilingual and multicultural education in Central Asia
• Language rights, participation, security and access to justice fundamental to welfare of communities in Kosovo, says High Commissioner Thors
• High Commissioner Thors, in her OSCE Permanent Council address, discusses country engagement and highlights the increase in hate speech targeting national minorities

You remember yesterday, when we wrote about Micron's new 6550 ION SSD and how it wasn't exactly the biggest SSD we'd seen? Well, that was yesterday. Today, Solidigm is announcing a new model in the D5-P5336 SSD family with a whopping 122.88 terabytes of storage in a single drive, finally topping the Nimbus Exadrive. Micron still holds the

Talent New Energy and Changan Automotive Released the World Premiere Separator-Free Solid-State Battery Technology  Business Wire

The Tile Pro Bluetooth tracker 2-pack is on sale at Amazon for $47.99 at Amazon, down from the normal price of $59.99. That's a 20% discount.

As of Nov. 13, Amazon Prime members can get a discount on select gift cards. Shop Xbox, PlayStation, and more.

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La responsabilidad individual se diluye entre la cobardía de quien disfruta de "su estado de pupilo".

La responsabilidad, de otros, la porquería, para nosotros.

Mañana arranca la primera gran Operación Salida del verano y millones de conductores se echarán a la carretera para iniciar sus vacaciones estivales. En el momento de repostar sus vehículos, se seguirán encontrando un año más con un surtidor opaco y se preguntarán si la estación de turno les está pegando un palo por llenar el tanque. Aquí van algunos consejos para llevar mejor este momento.

Minuto de silencio en el Parlamento Europeo en memoria de las víctimas de las inundaciones Leer

John Kerry ha dejado ya puesta su bandera sobre el cielo cubano y se ha cumplido por fin la promesa que Obama y Raúl le hicieran al mundo. Las dos embajadas han sido abiertas.

Las Fallas han comenzado y ya no hay que respetar a nada ni a nadie. No existe la ley para las comisiones ni, por supuesto, el respeto. Bien lo sabemos los vecinos de la calle Sueca, que tenemos que soportar que se vulnere nuestra propiedad privada, que nos desafíen públicamente y que nadie nos ampare.

Mientras la realidad virtual o los bots son dos tendencias que tardarán en asentarse, el vídeo en 360º es una realidad con la que los medios ya deben comenzar a experimentar. Es asequible, sencillo y no hace falta calzarse un casco para disfrutar de la experiencia.

Sobre Edificio España, de Víctor Moreno

Spain unites in solidarity with massive aid effort after devastating floods

Can you suggest holiday dinner dishes that would satisfy a group of three that includes a pescetarian, a traditionalist, and a pre-diabetic? Bonus points for an entree, recipe, and being easy to cook (especially if it can be prepared ahead).

U.S. 550 reopened after it was closed in both directions Wednesday morning because a boulder crashed onto the highway near Ouray overnight.

The special episode premieres on Monday, November 25 only on Hulu as a part of the year-round "Family Guy" 25th Anniversary Celebration!

During festivals of feasting, the prospect of weight gain can lead some to skip meals or embark on a cleanse to make up for holiday indulgence—but such strategies may do more harm than good. A survey by Orlando Health found than nearly two in five Americans worry about how much they eat over the…